Yangervis and Odrisamer are:

(a) The two most popular styles of coffee table at IKEA.
(b) Two newly-discovered native tribes of Papua New Guinea.
(c) The top two Icelandic banks, as ranked by deposits.
(d) Two mountains in the Ural range.
(e) Two types of heirloom apples, neither with any significant market penetration as of yet.
(f) Acronyms for top-secret government programs.
(g) A comedy duo popular in northern Estonia.
(h) Two deadly infections spread by small rodents.
(i) The newest sitcoms on German television, both surprising hits thus far in the young season.
(j) Twin Caribbean resorts now deeply discounted on Hotels.com.
(k) Styles of dance from the 1780s.
(l) Two different types of flourless chocolate tortes, one with walnuts and one without.
(m) The botanical names of two colorful purple flowers.
(n) Unheralded colors of the rainbow.
(o) The top two wheelchair manufacturers in Finland, sorted by market share.
(p) Bees who share the spotlight in the new Pixar film, “Bees!”
(q) Seaweeds found off the New Zealand coast.
(r) Baby toe-curling reflexes that disappear by age three.
(s) The co-recipients of this year’s Fields Medal.
(t) Characters in Michael Chabon’s new graphic novel.
(u) Slang terms for “testicles” in the Haitian Creole language.
(v) Two Republican candidates for governor of Wyoming.
(w) Technical terms for the two different sizes of ash that are produced when a body is cremated.
(x) The latest new flavors of Lay’s Potato Chips.
(y) Rejected economic theories of Cold War Russia.
(z) None of the above.

Ebola: No baseball player has yet been diagnosed with Ebola. There are no reported cases of Ebola at major or minor league ballparks. Checking your fantasy stats cannot give you Ebola, nor can participating in your fantasy baseball auction, assuming the auction is online. Ebola is not the cause of your favorite team’s poor season, or the reason why more moves weren’t made at the trading deadline. There is no correlation between OPS+ and Ebola, and the E in Ebola does not stand for Error. Alex Rodriguez is suspended from baseball, but not because he has Ebola.

Iraq: There is no major or minor league baseball affiliate in Iraq. Contrary to rumor, the Expos did not move there when they left Canada. IRAQ is not the same as WHIP. You have a very low chance of being hit by a missile while you watch a baseball game, whether in person or on TV. We are not at war with the American League, nor the National League. Our military activities in Iraq should not affect your fantasy team.

Gaza: Sam Fuld is Jewish.

Robin Williams: Robin Williams is not related to Ted Williams, Mitch Williams, Bernie Williams, Mike Williams, Gerald Williams, Billy Williams, Dick Williams, Jerome Williams, Jimy Williams, Matt Williams, Woody Williams, Scott Williamson, Robin Ventura, Robin Roberts, or Robin Yount.

Tom Powers writes an astute article about the Twins losing a lot of games over the past few years because they have too many players who are psychologically healthy. In his piece, “Twins need fewer smiles, more snarls,” he argues that the Twins have too many nice guys, and not enough angry jerks. A compelling argument, supported by an impressive pile of evidence as large as the world’s largest unicorn, but I think Powers misses one key insight:

It’s not that the Twins don’t have enough snarls, it’s that the snarls aren’t coming in clutch situations. They’re wasting their snarls on two-out, nobody-on situations, or late in the game when it’s already a blowout, or they’re spreading them out instead of stacking them for maximum effect. I know they say that there’s no such thing as a clutch snarler, but, having done at least as much research as Powers, I can stand behind three — no, four — airtight conclusions about the game of baseball and about snarling:

1. A lone snarl is as useless as a walk. You can’t win with one snarl at a time, just like baserunners don’t mean anything unless they arrived at first via a headfirst slide.

2. Your best snarler needs to bat 6th in the lineup. Whoever says lineup order doesn’t matter has his head buried in a pile of meticulously-analyzed records. Batting order counts, and snarls need to come 6th. That’s all there is to it.

3. If a lefty snarls, and then a righty snarls, the two snarls cancel each other out. That’s why you need to have all your snarls come from the same side.

4. If your Clutch Snarl Index Ratio falls below 64, you will not make the playoffs.

That’s right– taking every team in history and running them through my proprietary Clutch Snarl Index Ratio formula (which I cannot reveal due to my upcoming book, Clutch Snarl Index Ratio For Real Dummies, You Dummy), I’ve found that no team has ever reached the playoffs with a Clutch Snarl Index Ratio below 64. It was a shocking insight, especially since the Clutch Snarl Index Ratio operates on a scale that runs between 65 and 147.

Of course, so much more research must be done before I could even think about publishing an article about this in an actual newspaper. They have standards, y’know?

Maury Brown has a super-interesting post on Forbes that lists the local television ratings for each of the major league teams (except the Dodgers and Astros, which have cable-system-carrying issues). Unsurprisingly, if you look at raw viewer numbers, the Yankees are #1 with an average of 251,000 people watching each game. But given the size of the New York market, that places them merely in the middle of the pack when it comes to the average household rating. #2 in viewers and #1 in rating — to my surprise — is the Tigers, with 156,000 average viewers.

Some quick research tells me that there are only 7 people currently living in Detroit.

So that’s a lot.

Marlins, Angels, and White Sox fans may not want to bother checking out the link, although I’m guessing none of you are reading this either.

The Jon Lester Trade: “First Yoenis Cespedes gets to leave Cuba, then he gets to leave Oakland. At this rate of quality-of-living advancement, he’ll be in Denmark by the end of the month, or at least Sweden. Some guys have all the luck. Although I mistyped his name as Ypenis before noticing and fixing it, so I guess he doesn’t have all the luck. But he has a lot of it.”

The Sam Fuld Trade: “Sam Fuld is awesome because he makes people like me think that if only we had a thousand times more talent than we do, we could be baseball players. I mean, most players seem like they’re a different species, but Sam Fuld just seems like an extra-awesome member of the same species. Though probably with fewer defects in his DNA.”

Read the rest of this entry »

FOX Sports Ohio has a fun article today, “Reds lethargic effort leaves Price perplexed.” I was initially confused about why David Price is thinking much about the Reds, since he isn’t even in the same league as they are, but then reading the article reminded me that Bryan Price is the manager of the Reds, so then it made more sense.

The article also made me wonder if there might have been a chemical agent released in the stadium causing mass mental confusion, since Price was “perplexed,” “two players forgot how many outs there were [and] [s]tarting pitcher Alfredo Simon didn’t cover first base on a ground ball to first baseman Brayan Pena.”

(In addition, mental issues are indicated by the fact that someone decided Brayan Pena was a first baseman, which is also confusing for someone with a .658 lifetime OPS.)

But my biggest takeaway from the article was this quote, near the end, from Todd Frazier:

“I guess you could say we were lethargic,” said third baseman Todd Frazier. “Maybe when (Chisenhall) hit that three-run homer it took the wind out of our sails a little bit, but I know we were battling. We were trying hard. Maybe it was not all there today.

“Games like this you’ve got to go back and the next day you’ve got to figure it out and work together as a hitting team. Together, as a team, our approach has to be better. Lethargic is probably a good word, but it’s just one of those games. We’ve got to come back and focus on getting back to that team game as hitters.”

Indeed, lethargic was a good enough word that they used it for the headline. Todd Frazier: Headline Writer. Nice work, Todd!

I’ve heard of Jake Marisnick. But when I read Mike Podhorzer’s article this morning about speedsters available for the stretch run, I realized I had absolutely no idea what Jake Marisnick looks like. No picture in my head, at all. Maybe you don’t have a picture either. Hence, a brief quiz. Which one of these folks is Jake Marisnick?

(And, bonus: who are the rest of these guys?)

I trade one empty garbage bag to my wife for one full garbage bag I have to bring outside before 8:30 a.m.

My nine-month-old son trades one clean teething ring to put in his mouth for one toy that has been sitting on the floor for weeks, also to put in his mouth.

I trade the last piece of toilet paper for a new roll to be named later.

My wife trades me one baby to hold in exchange for two minutes to go to the bathroom.

In a three-way trade, my son trades his dirty diaper to my wife, she gives me his pooped-on shirt, and I give him a clean diaper and a sort-of-clean shirt.

My wife trades me her supermarket loyalty card in exchange for me going to buy groceries.

My son trades the meal he just ate for seventeen paper towels to clean up the floor he just vomited on, and a bath.

I trade sleep for having had a child.

My wife trades me for someone who can thrive on much less sleep.

My son trades all of his toys for a delicious piece of a used napkin, because they both have the same value to him.

I trade the mention of Justin Masterson and Jon Lester for a baby to lull to sleep, because clearly if I have time to read baseball headlines, I am not busy enough and should be the one getting the baby to nap.

Dear NotGraphs,

Why does NotGraphs have to end?

Thanks,
#KeepNotGraphs

NotGraphs has to end because the world is evil.

Aaron Sanchez: 1,3,5,9,10,maybe 7
Aaron Sanchez: 2,4,6,7,8,probably 9, maybe 10.