Hey Friends,

Just wanted to shoot you this mass e-mail to give you all an update on my fantasy baseball team and how things have been going so far this season. I apologize that it’s been a while since my last update– I know you’re all staying up nights wondering if I’ve been able to fill the hole in my outfield created by Jacoby Ellsbury’s injury, or whether I decided to stick with Phil Humber after his run of lousy starts or instead throw him back on the scrap heap, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the chance to reach out sooner with the latest news. Before I get to the stats, I just want to let you know how much all of your support regarding my fantasy success has meant over the past few years, and, please, if there are any fantasy activities that you’re involved in where I could throw some karma your way, don’t hesitate to let me know. If there’s time between lineup changes and trade negotiations, you can definitely count on me to come to a flea market or a funeral or whatever it is the rest of you spend your time doing.

So, the numbers you’ve all been waiting for… I’ve risen to third place (that’s ten points!) in stolen bases! The milestone we were hoping to achieve in the last e-mail has finally come true! No need to send presents, seeing it in the standings is reward enough for me. (But if you must send a present, send it to my wife.)

Okay, what else to update… Cody Ross’s injury… slipping in the ERA standings… one of my children got murdered… Francisco Liriano to the bullpen… all pretty devastating, in their own ways.

Next update soon! I know, I know, more frequent mass e-mails about my fantasy team! I hear you! But there’s only so much one man can do!

Best,
Your Least Favorite Person In The World

This is the sixth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: DIFF’RENT SMOAKS

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Dear NotGraphs,

Thanks,
Your Wife, Because You Asked Her For a Fake Question That Would Maybe Sound Real

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This is the fifth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: TWO AND A HALF NEN

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This is the fourth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: SAVED BY HEATH BELL

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This is the third in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: LEAVE IT TO WEAVER

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Dear NotGraphs,

Thanks,
A Danny Valencia Owner

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This is the second in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: SEINFULD

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On Sunday, Albert Pujols broke his season-long homer drought. Which means only one thing. Albert Pujols is back. All season, we’ve been telling you it’s been bad luck, small sample size, just a quirk of the data. And that one at-bat, that one home run, proves that we were right. Sure, his batting average is still under .200, his OBP under .250, his SLG under .300, but it’s only a matter of time. If you extrapolate from that one at-bat where Pujols hit the home run, you can estimate that he will hit over 500 more home runs this season, and get his batting average up to about .800, where it belongs. And, sure, the critics might argue that it’s only one home run, it’s only a 1-for-4 day, it’s nothing to get too excited about… but not everyone can hit a home run and go 1-for-4. Not everyone in the major leagues is capable of hitting one home run. Look at Ben Revere. Over 500 major league plate appearances, and no home runs. Ryan Dempster has had 655 plate appearances without a home run, leading active players. Sure, he’s a pitcher, but still, his at-bats count too. And with his one swing of the bat, Pujols proved without a doubt that he is a better hitter than Ben Revere and Ryan Dempster. What more can the critics want? What does he have to do to get people to stop their complaining and appreciate that they are in the presence of greatness? Does he need to go 2-for-4? Hit a second home run? Go on a two-game hitting streak? People are never satisfied. He’s back, I tell you. Back.

A couple of weeks ago, I offered up a number of potential titles for sitcoms that would be perfect for MLB Network. The most popular, according to the poll, was Mad About Yu. Also getting a solid number of votes: Saved by Heath Bell, Leave it to Weaver, Diff’rent Smoaks, and Will (Clark) and (Mark) Grace. You submitted a number of your own suggestions– most plus’d in the comments were SeinFuld and Maddon’s Men. Other reader suggestions I liked were Two and a Half Nen, Park Factors and Recreation, and The Big Hurt Theory.

That makes ten. Starting today, I’ll be presenting short excerpts from each of these television shows.

First up, PARK FACTORS AND RECREATION.

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