MLB TeeVee: Park Factors and Recreation

A couple of weeks ago, I offered up a number of potential titles for sitcoms that would be perfect for MLB Network. The most popular, according to the poll, was Mad About Yu. Also getting a solid number of votes: Saved by Heath Bell, Leave it to Weaver, Diff’rent Smoaks, and Will (Clark) and (Mark) Grace. You submitted a number of your own suggestions– most plus’d in the comments were SeinFuld and Maddon’s Men. Other reader suggestions I liked were Two and a Half Nen, Park Factors and Recreation, and The Big Hurt Theory.

That makes ten. Starting today, I’ll be presenting short excerpts from each of these television shows.

First up, PARK FACTORS AND RECREATION.

[scrippet]
INT. LESLIE’S OFFICE — DAY

LESLIE and TOM are staring at a board filled with names and statistics.

LESLIE
Today is a very special day of the year. Not my favorite day of the year, but definitely in my top ten. My top twenty, for sure. Probably in my top one hundred days of the year. Because today is the day we get to decide Pawnee’s Little League MVP. I never won the Little League MVP award when I was growing up. I won the Lightest Bat award, Smallest Strike Zone, Most Ejections…

TOM
Leslie, the award should clearly go to Logan Smith. He’s batting .650 with 13 home runs in only 45 at-bats.

LESLIE
But, Tom, he plays his home games in Greengrass Park.

TOM
So?

LESLIE
You know the fences in Greengrass Park are only 4 feet high. And there’s hardly any foul ground.

TOM
So?

LESLIE
So the rightful winner should be Jason Tucker, who plays his home games in the ditch behind the Home Depot.

TOM
But Jason only batted a .475.

LESLIE
That ditch suppresses right-hand power by 64%, and batting average by almost half. Fully adjusted, it’s no contest. His numbers are crazy.

TOM
No, what’s crazy is adjusting for the park but not for the quality of the opposition. Logan faced some of the league’s best pitchers.

LESLIE
Yeah, but Jason played all season with a broken thumb.

TOM
So?

LESLIE
And I heard Logan was juicing.

TOM
He drank grape juice, Leslie.

LESLIE
That’s still juice.

TOM
I think we need to check their birth certificates.

LESLIE
Tom, while their true ages may affect the forecasting of their performance going forward, even you should realize it has no impact on their value this past season. If we were adjusting for age, we’d be giving the award to the infant who pitched for the Waffle House Wizards.

TOM
She was amazing.

LESLIE
That spitball was incredible.
[/scrippet]

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Kyle
Guest

This is awesome. Looking forward to future excerpts!