As you may know already, my wife had been out of town for a week. This getaway was supposedly under the guise of “roller derby convention,” though her noticeable tan, freshly-plucked eyebrows, and faint smell of suntan lotion and Calvin Klein cologne say otherwise. There is also her icy demeanor toward me, but I think she already had that when she left. Or maybe she got it at the duty-free shop. I can’t remember. It’s been so long now.

Nevertheless, her absence has allowed me to do things that may otherwise annoy her in a two-person setting. This has mainly constituted of watching every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Roll those eyes all you want, this is a perfectly good use of my time. The star of the show, Larry David — or at least the character version of himself that he plays — purports to being a fairly big baseball fan. Throughout the series, he makes mention of many New York Yankees, and even seems to base a whole episode around the a revelation that he has taken a performance-enhancing drug (Viagra) keeping him out of the Baseball Hall of Fame (by the women he is seeing, who happens to be holding the tickets).

The thing that made me laugh the hardest, though — well, the thing that, in addition to two bourbons, made me laugh the hardest — was the following:

I’m not a terribly big fan of converting nouns into verbs, but in this case — this very specific and rarely-applicable case — I will stand down.

I was having a bit of trouble with my PlayStation 4 last night. This prohibited me from playing MLB 14: The Show, a shame since my created pitcher — Pedro Pedroia — was using his 2-seamer/cutter/splitter combo to mow down AAA batters and was on the verge of a promotion. My wife is out of town so I was doing what most men do when the wife is out of town, eating shitty food and staying up too late. I mention this only to point out the fact that the PlayStation Super Help Now Hotline was closed at this hour, and I had to relegate myself to the PlayStation Type, Wait,  Repeat Online Chat Coldline. It took over an hour, and a lot of repeating of information, but Carlos V. was finally able to get my issue fixed.

During this process, I got to thinking. Almost everyone has someone who is their go-to person for technical issues. Maybe it’s a friend or sibling or coworker, but there’s a person who is just a quick text or email away to help with a laptop, phone, or gaming console. Those who don’t have a go-to are the go-to for everyone they know, damned to an eternity of free labor solely due to the fact that they can work a computer.

Do baseball teams have this? Certainly, every team employs a myriad of tech professionals, but I’m talking about the 25-man roster. Is there a guy in every clubhouse that gets bombarded with questions about iPads and smartphones and Xboxs? Who is Tech Support by day, baseballer by night?

I turn to you, dear NotGraphs reader, for suggestions. Which player seems to best fit the name Tech Support? While this type of exercise is usually an open forum, I do have one stipulation:

YOU CAN’T SAY ERIC SOGARD

That’s not even trying. Use your mind grapes. You can do this.

Look, the merging of these two categories was bound to happen at some point. Is this the best possible vehicle for it? I can’t say. What I can say is that the impending doom of this very Internet site is leaving me with a bit of a inclination to make sure this happened at some point. Now it has. Will it make the eventual “50 NotGraphs Posts That Will Remind You How Great David G. Temple Was” retrospective at BuzzFeed? I can’t say, though I’d like to let the editors of BuzzFeed know I am available for consultation on the matter.

Nevertheless, here’s an Anthony Rizzo highlight in reverse:

Here is some music for which to accompany it:

yakety

There are a few things you can do in the shower — wash, sing, fondle, etc. Sometimes, showering helps me come up with ideas for this very blog site. My shower session this morning produced the following results.

From now on, I will stick to fondling.

Tonight marks yet another installment of the Home Run Derby, a chance for baseball fans to marvel as the biggest hitters in the game flex their muscles while swinging for the fences. It’s also a chance for fans to flex their prediction muscles by putting a little money down on their pick to win the bash-fest. So, who should you pick? We here at NotGraphs have the answers. Here are our five best bets for the Home Run Derby.

5. Don’t bet on the Home Run Derby

You don’t really want to bet on the Home Run Derby. It may seem like a fun, harmless way to enjoy the event a little more, but it’s a silly thing and you shouldn’t risk your hard-earned money on it. Just watch the big bombs and have fun. Don’t sully it by making it real. Do you even know how to place a bet? Are you going to give your credit card info to one of those shady off-shore web sites? Do you have any idea how to find a bookie? As I yell at my dogs all the time, Leave It! Just walk away. You won’t wake up tomorrow wishing you’d bet money on the fucking Home Run Derby.

4. Save the money you were going to bet on the Home Run Derby.

Say you were going to put down a $50 bet. Take that cash, and put it your winter coat. Then, when winter comes around … BOOM! FREE FIFTY BUCKS! It won’t technically be free money, but you know what I mean. You’ll still feel like a winner, and you won’t have to had to demean yourself to the point of betting on an exhibition baseball event.

3. Giancarlo Stanton

Look, if you’re going to do it, pick the favorite. The payout is the worst, but Stanton should at least give you a chance at not losing your money. Don’t get cute and bet on Todd Frazier or some shit. If you’re bound and determined to risk real money on a fake thing, you might as well go chalk.

2. http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/hotlines

This is the web site to find your local Gamblers Anonymous Hotline. I know I was being cute and jokey before, but if you are seriously considering doing this, you may very well have a problem. This is obviously some sort of compulsion for you, and it’s probably best that you deal with it as soon as possible. Don’t end up being a disappointment to your friends and family. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Click. Call. Choose to be a better person.

1. Give me the money you were going to bet on the Home Run Derby.

My Twitter handle is in the byline below. Send me a DM. I’ll get you my PayPal info. I can’t say for sure what I’ll spend it on, but if you’re going to just give your money away, give it to someone who could use it. I promise I’ll spend it wisely on something like food for my family, my Internet bill, or anything else that isn’t gambling on the Home Run Derby. I’d really prefer you’d pick option 2,4, or 5, but if it’s just burning a hole in your pocket, give me your money.

There you go! Remember to turn to NotGraphs for all your gambling-advice needs. Good luck and good betting!

This comes courtesy of a comment from a previous Mike-Trout related post:

As I’m never one to ignore the filthy masses/turn down an idea for a post, I present Mike Trout Robbing Mike Trout of a Home Run.

Behold:

Though I’m not quite sure what type of something this is, it is indeed something.

This hot footage was captured not on America’s actual birthday, but Mike Trout doesn’t need the excuse of an anniversary to show that he does, indeed, love America. As if you didn’t know that already.

Watch:

Listen:
america

In almost every case, cell phone alerts are at best an annoyance and at worst punch-provoking. We civil folk have pretty much come to terms with the fact that a cell phone should stay on vibrate.

But there are rare instances in which an audible alert is necessary — text messages from Ronald Reagan’s ghost, emails concerning which minority you’ve recently offended, weather notifications keeping you abreast when a tornado is about to upend the home of a former employer, and Google alerts for “Cheryl Tiegs Hacksaw Jim Duggan Sex Tape” are some examples.

In situations such as these, I suggest an audible message notification. Sure, you could use a standard boo doop or ding ding like a common dirt-person. But why buy the cow when you can mix your metaphors for free?

In the spirit of FanGraphs: The Ringtone, it is my pleasure to introduce The Dayn Perry Message Notification. I can’t say for sure when you should use it, but if you really need my help finding the proper situation, you probably shouldn’t use it at all.

Download at will.

Mr. President? We have Dave Cameron on the line.

“Mr. Cameron. How are we today?”

“Good morning, Mr. President. I’m fine, sir. Thanks for asking.” Read the rest of this entry »