Author Archive

Found Poetry!

Today’s instance of baseball-related found poetry comes to us courtesy of a Reddit thread on the subject of whether a wooden bat or an aluminum bat is preferable for purposes of defense of self, home, God, and country. So, with editorial discretion and copy-and-paste functionality, let us begin …

I like the wooden bat. It feels more manly.
Bonk!
Break wooden bat over head, now stabbing weapon.
Don’t put nails in it. That will raise a lot of questions and ill will in court.
But … A spiked wooden bat is better …

Slamming someone in the head with an aluminum bat …
An aluminum baseball bat is a good back up in case your gun misfires.
Makes a better clang when you brain someone with it.
Bonk!

The wooden and the aluminum bat would fit up an intruder’s ass just the same.
Slamming someone in the head with an aluminium bat …
Trick r Treat. Yes.
Bonk!

The body …
Do you chop it up or incinerate? Bury it?
Where?

Thank you for helping keep poetry alive.


Mike Greenwell Is at Home Among Beasts

Mike Greenwell certainly could have saved this unnamed Yankee from gruesome death by alligatór (Mr. Greenwell pronounces “alligatór” with the accent on the final, definitive syllable), but restraint of power is a power unto itself …

It is said that a young Bertrand Russell refrained from killing himself because of his love of math. Somewhere in America, Mike Greenwell, the subject of your Daguerreotype of the Evening, has just saved a philosopher’s life.


Hot GIF Action: Sparky Sparks

You should know two things about tonight’s Daguerreotype of the Evening. First, it moves. Second, it contains magic. Click and witness:

We already knew of A.J. Pierzynski’s dark ways, and now we know he treats the opposing catcher’s mask like a grinder’s wheel. As such, we can safely christen him “The Blacksmith.” Which has a slightly better flow to it than “Widely Disliked Spark-Maker.”


Reillocity’s Alternative Team Names

As you may have noticed, here at NotGraphs we occasionally rely upon the kindness of readers to lead us by the clammy hand to content worthy of our revered imprimatur. Usually, this entails sending us a link or even vague hints at search terms. As you are about to learn, however, this writer is not averse to wholesale plundering of the reader’s innermost thoughts.

Cherished reader Reillocity, who maintains a philosophic calm despite his triumphs in Muay Thai, regaled us in the Busy Businessman thread with tales and examples of a thing that does things to things (URGENT UPDATE: Noble reader glassSheets also played an extra-vital role in doing my work for me). It is my belief that the Internetting Gentleman will appreciate what happens next …

Read the rest of this entry »


Join Me in Swooning over Mr. Verlander

Commenter/reader/strapping violinist ChrisDTX, over yonder in the most recent “Nickname Seeks Player” nomination thread, calls the writer’s attention to what follows, your Daguerreotype of the Evening …

There are not one but two nouns for what you ogle above: handsomeness and handsomity. As for me, I do intend to gaze at the Daguerreotype of the Evening for a bit longer but not until I retrieve my sandalwood hand fan and safely position myself astride the fainting couch.

How could the image above excrete, seep and ooze even more handsomeness and handsomity? I present to you the surely true and accurate description that accompanies the above Daguerreotype of the Evening:

Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander talks with reporters before leaving Detroit on the team’s Winter Caravan Thursday, Jan. 20, 2011, in Detroit. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya)

Yes, this is how Mr. Verlander looks while chatting up reporters and mingling with devoted rooters: pocket-squared, lapeled and striking his most intense pre-coitus gaze.

Mr. Verlander, winner of games and hearts.


Busy Businessman Catches Foul Ball

Normally, I am one to mock without ceasing those who would soliloquize on the Mobile Cellular Telephone during a delightful game of base and ball. However, it is good for the temperament — and helps prevent typhus and pleurisy — if the Businessman occasionally becomes the Leisured Businessman. And that, unfortunately, entails using the portable horn.

Of course, if the Businessman can conduct Business while still keeping his wits about him, then miracles follow …

You’re damn right he made the sale.


Nickname Seeks Player: Vote on “Aqua Velva Man”

Prostitutes have descended upon the convention floor (as requested by a certain randy delegate from Ohio), and that means the nominating process is done. So rejoice, suffragists: the time to vote has come! At stake in this urgent referendum? The matter of which current player should be nicknamed “Aqua Velva Man!”

As always, the nominees have been culled to suit the whims of the Secret Monarch …



Mustache Watch: Jeff King

Before the writer makes love to the reader with words, your Daguerreotype of the Evening …

Ignore, if you can, the dystopic Uniform from the Future and instead bathe in the glow of what is the lushest mustache you’ll see until the next time you run into an oil wildcatter at the saloon in 1891. This is the mustache a John McGraw Man wears. It is a mustache known throughout history as “The Payback McGloin.” It is Jeff King’s mustache. It is your Daguerreotype of the Evening.


Nickname Seeks Player: “Aqua Velva Man”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Aqua Velva Man”!

Read the rest of this entry »


Great Moments in Spectacles: Steve Trout

Steve Trout is aware that society would prefer that he not wear those seductive Foster Grants, particularly in mixed company, but he doesn’t much give a damn about that. When a gentleman like Steve Trout walks loins-first into the room, you’re immediately aware of three things: the van is customized, the status is no longer quo, and love is about to be made.

Your Daguerreotype of the Evening is of Steve Trout. He can dance to that.