To make the image bigger, either a) click the image, b) put your face closer to your computer screen, or c) do both of those things.

Torii Hunter, via Instagram:

Mat Latos

Al Alburquerque, 2012 (I believe this is his ex-wife; he is currently married to a base)

Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera’s wife used to be married to Joe Dimaggio

And here are Alburquerque and Cabrera’s mates together on Family Picture Day

Reverend Pat Robertson, Senator and future presidential candidate Rand Paul, and former and future presidential candidate Rick Santorum have all pointed out that the progress of same sex marriage in this country will inevitably lead us down the slippery slope to people being able to marry their pets. “You mark my words,” said Robertson, “this is just the beginning in a long downward slide in relation to all the things that we consider to be abhorrent.”

Now here we have a picture of Torii Hunter kissing an alligator. Think about that. We are already to the point where a player who as recently as 2012 told reporters he would be “uncomfortable” having a gay teammate because “as a Christian…in all my teachings and my learning, biblically, it’s not right” has already succumbed to the hedonistic lifestyle of fornicating with reptiles. This stalwart defender of the faith has been corrupted, as has red-blooded American male dating Kate Upton Justin Verlander, who looks on, rock hard, with what appears to be great erotic excitement. It could even be a male alligator for all we know.

What hope do any of the rest of us have but to just give in and storm our local pet shops? I, for one, am going to buy a turtle. God help us all.

The state of Minnesota is a terrible place to live right now. It snows one foot per day here. The days it doesn’t snow, it’s 87 degrees below zero. The cars that can be started are getting stuck on the roads, wedged between parked cars, or left idling in the middle of the street as the drivers decide that mid-trip seppuku is their most appealing destination.

But Spring was coming. Baseball was coming. Miguel Sano was coming. Maybe not right away, but the Twins’ big-bat prospect was almost a shoo-in to get some time in the bigs this season, and with him would come a promise — of tomorrow, of success, and of winters with a little more sun, if perhaps only metaphorically.

And now, Sano is out. The winter of the late summer will remain. We are bumbling through a second date after a promising first. We are gold miners enticed by some swindler’s surface sparkle. We are Minnesotans. We are reminded.

I can’t imagine how the guy could be an angel like this…It is human to err…Derek hasn’t made many errors that I’ve been able to witness.

– Joe Namath

On Monday in Tampa, footballing legend Joe Namath imputed nothing less than a supernatural lack of frailty to Derek Jeter. We numbers-minded people at NotGraphs were startled, to say the least, by Namath’s assertion. After all, a cursory search reveals that Jeter has been scored with no fewer than 243 errors over the course of his major league career, not to mention the Southern Atlantic League-record 56 errors he committed at age 19. In hopes of resolving this paradox, we contacted Mr. Namath by phone¹ with the intention of showing him some video evidence of Jeter’s miscues. Unfortunately, we were only able to locate three such videos on YouTube, and Namath was quick to refute each one. Excerpts from our conversation follow:

Namath: “Yeah, I was there. What you don’t see is that Ross smeared some kind of foreign substance on the ball before he hit it. I mean whatever the stuff was he really lathered it up good. The thing would have been damn near impossible to catch. Typical Sox garbage.” [Namath did not elaborate on how Cody Ross managed to doctor the ball from the batter’s box.]

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I noticed something today, with my eyes and brain. Take a look at this picture and tell me if you see/think what I saw/thought:

Actual don’t tell me. Just keep reading. Here’s what happened in my brain, the brain filling your brain with words and pictures that are unrelated to the work you should be doing:
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It is often said in English that one “can’t get blood from a stone.” Why such a thing must be specifically established remains a mystery — and lends almost nothing in the way of credibility to the human race.

The point of this post, however, is to say that something quite different than attempting to extract blood from a stone is attempting to locate internet footage of N.C. State left-hander Carlos Rodon striking out an opposing batter by way of his breaking ball. Indeed, no more than five minutes of research this afternoon has yielded the animated GIF embedded above — of Rodon on February 21st striking out what appears to be Appalachian State’s Alex Leach by way of his (i.e. Rodon’s) breaking ball.

With Spring Training now upon us, and with lab-tested and science-approved psychic John Edward having predicted the imminent onset of predictions, many of our most luminous luminaries are gracing us with their MLB preseason picks. Over at ESPN, Buster Olney has picked the Tigers to win what he is calling the World Series. Over at The View, the ladies have predicted that David Wright will be dreamy. And in a less televised, more transcendental sphere, the Lord Buddha has surprised many Western prognosticators by picking the Houston Astros.

“Well, picked them for what?” the Westerner asks, somewhat predictably, and with a fistful of Freedom Fries jammed inelegantly in his mouth hole.

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Tommy John’s worst fears came true this weekend.

The highly-retired former pitcher has a tear in his U.S. work visa and will need Miguel Sano surgery. John will fly to the Dominican Republic this week to undergo a study of his bones in order to determine his true age.

John was injured while walking to an AARP meeting.

It’s a bummer for canasta fans who can’t wait for John to return to his place at the table in between two other 70-year-old former athletes.

DOWNTOWN — A local man was hospitalized early this morning after experiencing acute paralysis of his interior self, a condition which doctors believe is the direct result of a protracted and ultimately fruitless search for the exact right new ballcap ahead of the upcoming season.

Patrick O’Connell, the 26-year-old grad student who suffered the episode, is in critical but stable condition.

“We’re only now piecing together the details,” said Rakesh Mehta, a spokesman for the hospital. “It appears, however, as though the patient was intent on finding a hat that simultaneously demonstrated some manner of historical and regional significance, exhibited pleasing aesthetic qualities, and finally was also distinct enough so as to telegraph to others (mostly men) his sophistication as a consumer. A complicated endeavor, all told.”

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