In a single plate appearance versus Reds’ right-hander Homer Bailey last night (a three-pitch strike-out), Indians OF/1B/DH Nick Swisher displayed behavior that set off red alerts in the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team’s Office for Investigating Player Alter-Egos. The NIRIT (pronounced nee-reet) OIPAE (pronounced oy-pay) has gathered the following footage and have noted possible alter-egos for Mr. Swisher based on that footage.

EXHIBIT A:
Footage Suggesting a “Koopa Troopa” Alter-Ego for Mr. Swisher

EXHIBIT B:
Footage Suggesting a “Toothless Codger” Alter-Ego for Mr. Swisher

Now the OIPAE needs your help, dear NotGraphs gumshoes. Which alter-ego do you think is more like for Mr. Swisher based on the given visual evidence?

[polldaddy poll=”7142665″]

Over the many months that I have worked here at NotGraphs, I have never asked for anything from you, the reader. I have provided you with at least a couple minutes of amusement, if not always intentionally and often at my own expense. I have provided this amusement free of charge. My work has cost you nothing, except perhaps your eternal soul. And I have come to believe that we are connected now in that great cosmic sense where people are connected to one another. We are bound together. I have given, and you have taken.

But the scales demand balancing, my friends. They do. This cannot be a relationship where we are unequal to one another. I cannot be your teacher; we must teach each other. Otherwise, certainly, there will be a growing resentment between us, and that would break my heart. My heart that I keep pouring out to you, in the hopes that you would have something to return to me. And yet, you have given me nothing.

Thus, in the name of all that is fair and just, I command you to go out and buy this for me:

Here are some “better” images of it:

Yes, it is an exceptionally creepy figurine of indeterminate material that may or may not be very old and rare that the seller is asking $1,500 for. Between the literally tens of you who will read this post, it hardly seems like too much to ask for you to band together, pool your resources and make us even-steven.

You ask why do I want this? What will I do with it? “Shut up,” I say. That’s not really any of your business right now. Your business is to buy me this thing that I want.

I get that after you buy it, you’re going to want to know that I appreciate your purchase, and that I’m giving it its proper respect in my home. You want to see it on display. I understand this, and I will be happy to show you how it is reverently displayed. But until then, my business is my own. My desires are my own. My plans are my own, and I will not have them called into question. That would be rude, that question calling.

So go. Talk in the comments. Figure out who is going to buy this for me and how best to get them the money. And bring me this small baseball figurine cast from indeterminate material. Do my bidding. Show your gratitude. Make us equals.

Hello everyone. Welcome the Edward Jones Chatting Cage, where we get to know more about some of the biggest people in MLB baseball. I’m your host, Jeremy Brisiel. Today, we’re talking to the new president of the Houston Astros, Reid Ryan. Reid, thanks for joining us.

Thanks, for having me, JB.

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You, reader, sitting there alone in what has charitably been referred to as a “studio apartment,” but which is actually more accurately described as the “halfway house between your miserable birth and miserable death” — you desperately want to know what love is.

Fortune, which has so often beaten you about the legs and chest and neck, has brought you now to the present internet weblog post — and, more specifically, to the image embedded here of the Kiss Cam from an Erie SeaWolves game at historic Jerry Uht Park.

A Jubilee of Eroticism? A Sexy Luncheon on the Grass? There are many words and phrases for the unchecked carnal pleasures at work within this heart-shaped mise-en-scene.

What we have ultimately, though, is a Primer in Love. The sad, sad reader would do well to study it. Eagerly.

Click here for other enlightening installments of NotGraphs Video Scouting.

Whilst perusing the gentleman’s Internet, I came across the above picture. It features baseball, but it also features a depiction of an antiquated piece of technology. I thought people might find that funny. I also thought people might see it as a pointed commentary on our society’s relationship with technology — i.e. how we can barely learn and become comfortable with something before another newer, better thing is thrust upon us. The second group would probably be reading too much into it, I continued thinking, but that’s OK because discussion is vital for growth.

I was kicking around a couple of ideas for an article. One involved Murphy’s internal dialog as he played a text-based computer game. Another had him hacking into the stadium’s scoreboard.

But then I did a little research on Mr. Murphy, trying to figure out what set of circumstances would cause him to bring a portable computer anywhere near a baseball field. Rob Murphy isn’t just dicking around here. Rob Murphy is a legit geek.

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Become acquainted with all of Eno Sarris’s flawless pronunciations by clicking this hyperlinked text.

Milwaukee’s Corey Hart, recuperating from a January knee surgery, has yet to play a game this year. With fewer opportunities to appreciate Hart’s craggy visage, renewed potential exists for confusion with other individuals of the same name. Since a search of the Internet failed to produce a satisfactory guide, I have produced one myself.

	Corey Hart	Corey Hart	“Cory Heart”
Full Name	Johnny Corey Hart	Corey Mitchell Hart	Courtney Simpson
Occupation	Baseball player	Musician	Actor
Appearance
Height & Weight	6’6″/234	5’10″/?	5’2″/99
Birthdate	March 24, 1982	May 31, 1962	May 9, 1985
Birthplace	Bowling Green, Kentucky	Montreal, Quebec	Mesa, Arizona
Position	Right field, first base	Vocals, keyboards, piano, guitar, drums	Various
Teams	Brewers	Aquarius, Capitol	Max Hardcore, Wicked Pictures
Debuted	2004	1983	2005
Retired	–	“Semi-retired”	2006
Appearances	3802	9 (albums)	199
Hits	950	“Sunglasses at Night,” “Never Surrender”	Trophy Whores, Legal & Hot, Double Gulp
Awards & Nominations	2x All-Star; 25th in MVP voting, National League, 2010	2x Juno winner; nominated for Grammy, Best New Artist, 1984	Nominated for AVN Award, Best All-Girl Sex Scene, 2006
Religion	Converted to Christianity in 2011	“Is the opiate of masses” (“Political Cry”)	Raised a devout Mormon
Eyewear	Began wearing prescription goggles in 2010	Noted for nocturnal use of tinted lenses	Donned temporarily for Bookworm B*tches
Strengths	Home run power; deceptive speed	Passionate vocals; “cool, athletic” looks	Flexibility, congeniality
Weaknesses	Penchant for strikeouts; below-average defense	Lack of lyrical depth	Aversion to “watersports”
Controversy	Allowed infant daughter to be sprayed with beer	Publicly supported gay rights with single “Truth Will Set U Free”	Appeared on film wearing Arizona State cheerleader uniform; university threatened legal action
Trivia	Walkup song is ‘Until the Whole World Hears’ by Casting Crowns	Briefly considered for the role of Marty McFly in Back to the Future	Left home after a stack of pornographic pictures of her was left on her parents’ doorstep

A shame the a’s and giants have to play these games at the coliseum while ATandT sits empty. #shame

— Jon Heyman (@JonHeymanCBS) May 29, 2013

Sean Doolittle, Jarrod Parker, Josh Reddick, and Brett Anderson tweeted responses that indicated they weren’t thrilled with Heyman’s comment. Meanwhile, here at NotGraphs, we’ve gained access to Jon Heyman’s Unpublished Draft Tweetbank (TM) to find some other #shame tweets he ultimately decided not to post: