Buy This For Me: A Creepy Figurine

Over the many months that I have worked here at NotGraphs, I have never asked for anything from you, the reader. I have provided you with at least a couple minutes of amusement, if not always intentionally and often at my own expense. I have provided this amusement free of charge. My work has cost you nothing, except perhaps your eternal soul. And I have come to believe that we are connected now in that great cosmic sense where people are connected to one another. We are bound together. I have given, and you have taken.

But the scales demand balancing, my friends. They do. This cannot be a relationship where we are unequal to one another. I cannot be your teacher; we must teach each other. Otherwise, certainly, there will be a growing resentment between us, and that would break my heart. My heart that I keep pouring out to you, in the hopes that you would have something to return to me. And yet, you have given me nothing.

Thus, in the name of all that is fair and just, I command you to go out and buy this for me:

Here are some “better” images of it:

Yes, it is an exceptionally creepy figurine of indeterminate material that may or may not be very old and rare that the seller is asking $1,500 for. Between the literally tens of you who will read this post, it hardly seems like too much to ask for you to band together, pool your resources and make us even-steven.

You ask why do I want this? What will I do with it? “Shut up,” I say. That’s not really any of your business right now. Your business is to buy me this thing that I want.

I get that after you buy it, you’re going to want to know that I appreciate your purchase, and that I’m giving it its proper respect in my home. You want to see it on display. I understand this, and I will be happy to show you how it is reverently displayed. But until then, my business is my own. My desires are my own. My plans are my own, and I will not have them called into question. That would be rude, that question calling.

So go. Talk in the comments. Figure out who is going to buy this for me and how best to get them the money. And bring me this small baseball figurine cast from indeterminate material. Do my bidding. Show your gratitude. Make us equals.