It is nothing new to suggest that the level of discourse on the internet — and perhaps off of it, too — lacks much in the way of civility. The precise reasons for this have surely been considered by people more qualified than the present author by methods more rigorous than the present author is likely or willing to employ. Given the ubiquity of internetting aspersion, though, and the frequency with which it’s cast, there is clearly some satisfaction being derived by the casters.

Nor is one free from verbal histrionics even within the otherwise friendly confines of WhatIfSports’ simulated baseball game Hardball Dynasty. Without dwelling upon the particulars of that game at length, it’s sufficient to note that, as part of said game, a human owner can attempt to sign free-agent players by means of a page that looks very much like this (click to embiggen):

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Sources tell me that soon, quite soon, Team USA will start playing games in the World Baseball Classic. This is all fine and dandy, but look at the projected “roster” for this “Team USA.”

No disrespect to manager Joe Torre, but he lacks foresight. This is Team USA. Why burden yourself with filling it with simple baseball players? Mr. Torre needs to make a statement, here. Team USA can be so much more than a simple list of the best players that agreed to play/were allowed to play by their respective MLB teams. Our country is in turmoil. We need to bring America back to its original glory. We need to shine this turd to resemble the great nation of times gone by. America needs a facelift. And a boob job. And certainly a tummy tuck. It starts with the WBC roster. It ends with unadulterated imperialism.

Allow me to punch this up a bit.

1. George Washington, C

2. Henry Ford, CF

3. Ernest Hemingway, 3B

4. George Patton, DH

5. Giancarlo Stanton, RF

6. Ted Nugent, 1B

7. Al Capone, LF

8. Thomas Edison, SS

9. John D. Rockefeller, 2B

THAT. That is an American roster. That is a roster that will propel this nation back to what it once was. Captains of Industry, former leaders, musicians, writers, inventors, professional skullbashers. Two live people and a bunch of corpses. I can smell that trophy already.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

This doesn’t really need any introduction…

Manny thought he was doing a good job. He put his body on the line. He went all in. Such was Manny’s career afield. It is like he never understood what a baseball glove was.

It is not unlike the time you approached that attractive person at that brewpub, began to compliment that person’s eyes, then realized that person was blind, then tried to sneak away. We wish we had the resources to make GIFs of your life, too, but we will have to settle for Manny Being Manny.

I just got word that for the 2013 season, Albert Pujols will be portrayed by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The first leaked photos from the Angels’ set can be seen above. I’m curious how the community in general, and Halos fans in particular, feel about this. Can The Rock do Sir Albert justice? He’s shown us more range lately, but it’s a big leap from “Tooth Fairy” to the face of a contending franchise. On the other hand, if anything can turn around a four-year power slide, it’s that set of pythons right there.

JUPITER, FLA. — The Cardinals of the National League of Professional Baseball Clubs moved deliberately but inexorably on Tuesday toward the selection of a new pope after the resignation of Bruce Benedict XVI, meeting for a third time for discussions and to hear speeches — both inspirational and informational.

Roger Dean Stadium officials said the Home Dugout, the traditional location of the conclave that chooses the pope, would close at 1 p.m. on Tuesday in preparation for the gathering of the Cardinals who will elect Benedict’s successor.

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As droned on about at torturous length during the most recent Perry-Cistulli Hootenanny of the Preposterous, history teaches us that Pope Stephen VII tried the decaying corpse of Pope Formosus way back yonder in the year 897 — when even those who weren’t coconuts were coconuts. However, as the history of history teaches us, it was not Pope Stephen VI but rather Charlie Got Damn Manuel who presided over the Synodus Horrenda.

So stand down, Stevie Seven, Charlie’s got it from there …

Dead Popes of the world, be admonished: Charlie Got Damn Manuel will get to the bottom of this yet.

Very Late Quiz below!

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We are standing at the precipice of a Cuban Missile-like conflict that could ruin the game of baseball as we know it. I’m talking about these old-school math-nerds clamoring about the RBI. RBI stands for “runs batted in,” but it should stand for “R.eally B.ad I.nformation” if you ask me. According to RBI, Kyle Seager was a better player than Joe Mauer last season. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard since someone try to tell me Dan Fogelberg deserved a Grammy. Check out this explanation of RBI in section 10.04 of baseball’s official rule book:

A run batted in is a statistic credited to a batter whose action at bat causes one or more runs to score, as set forth in this Rule 10.04.
(a) The official scorer shall credit the batter with a run batted in for every run that scores
(1) unaided by an error and as part of a play begun by the batter’s safe hit (including the batter’s home run), sacrifice bunt, sacrifice fly, infield out or fielder’s choice, unless Rule 10.04(b) applies;
(2) by reason of the batter becoming a runner with the bases full (because of a base on balls, an award of first base for being touched by a pitched ball or for interference or obstruction); or
(3) when, before two are out, an error is made on a play on which a runner from third base ordinarily would score.
(b) The official scorer shall not credit a run batted in
(1) when the batter grounds into a force double play or a reverse-force double play; or
(2) when a fielder is charged with an error because the fielder muffs a throw at first base that would have completed a force double play.
The official scorer’s judgment must determine whether a run batted in shall be credited for a run that scores when a fielder holds the ball or throws to a wrong base. Ordinarily, if the runner keeps going, the official scorer should credit a run batted in; if the runner stops and takes off again when the runner notices the misplay, the official scorer should credit the run as scored on a fielder’s choice.

Sounds like a real snooze-fest, am I right?

Does this stat even make sense? It appears that you don’t even need to “bat” in a runner in order to receive a run batted in. If a player draws a bases-loaded walk, they get credited with an RBI even though the bat never left their shoulder. And what about on a double-play? A hitter gets no RBI for driving in a run after “batting” the ball. This stat is more convoluted than Delta’s boarding policy.

Hey sportswriters, get your head out of the rule book and actually WATCH a game.

Here in Fukuoka for China-Cuba. Estimated crowd: 86 people.

— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) March 4, 2013

As the tweet here indicates, the China-Cuba World Baseball Classic game this morning was attended by few enough people such that Baseball America’s Ben Badler — who’s in Fukuoka, Japan, for Pool A play — could actually count them all with his own eyes.

The sum he found? About 86.

Assuming that about half of attendees were affiliated with some major-league organization or another, we might conclude that there were 43 paid fans at the aforementioned contest.

What follows is either (a) a list of all those fans or (b) the first 43 names produced by a random-name generator on the internet.

You decide!

01. Gamil Hisham Abatangelo
02. Morgan Antiman Amantea
03. Brutus Martin Amsel
04. Ívarr Firefight Audley
05. Mani Nelu Beck

06. Maximinus Jarl Beringer
07. Adalhard Stígandr Mac Branain
08. İlkin Lael Carver
09. Paramonos Caspian Chase
10. Romanus Kapil Crawford

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All its readers know: FanGraphs is large and contains multitudes. NotGraphs is one of those multitudes.

Now, another one of those multitudes is FangRafs: images of players named Rafael (or “Raf,” for short) with fangs. FangRafs. Which, if one is inebriated or southern enough, may be pronounced in a way that is indiscernible from “FanGraphs.”

So, put on a garlic turtleneck, and behold.

FangRaf Palmeiro

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