Sometimes merest nicotine isn’t enough for Smokin’ Bud Selig. Sometimes Smokin’ Bud Selig needs a little something more to take edge off and to make everything seem a little more far-out and hep. You know what I mean, Bubba Bean? Hell yeah …
“When you’re driving have you ever thought about how everything outside the customized van is moving all fast and shit, but everything inside the customized van is perfectly still? Yeah … Let’s go buy a python for the apartment.”
There’s no reason to believe — even though it’s true — that the present author has a wife who’s beautiful both in the face part and mind part of her body.
Below are three photos by that same wife-lady from a trip the author and said wife took to a pair of High-A California League games in Lake Elsinore and then Rancho Cucamonga in 2009, I think it was.
All images are both (a) embiggenable via clicking and (b) stolen directly from the aforementioned wife’s very poorly maintained website.
Click to (ahem) embiggen.
Which is to say, I never considered myself the sort of guy to visit the Caribbean.
Nickname Seeks Former Player: Grey-Eyed Man of Destiny
Full Disclosure: I’m really writing one of these because there hasn’t been one in a while, and I miss them. I realize that this is Dayn Perry’s shtick, and repurposing it may very well warrant me a soup bone to the jaw, but nevertheless, I’m going to give it a shot.
The inspiration for this nickname comes from Internet baseball writer/nerdfather Rob Neyer, and one of his recent tweets. This Mr. Walker was quite a person of history, having conquered Mexico, Nicaragua, and Honduras in a mere 46-year span. His death was most likely bloody, which gives him both life-style and lifestyle points. But that nickname. That nickname can be better used.
We should – nay, MUST – find a former player that best fits this name. Remember, this exercise requires said player not to be former in the sense that he formally was alive, just formally a baseballer.
In the spirit of Mr. Walker, this player should also be grey-/steely-eyed (eyes made of actual musket balls do qualify), and have fulfilled or at least possessed a destiny. Bonus points to any player who waltzed into a foreign country and usurped its regime. This man must be a grizzled, grizzly, gizzard-eater. His victories in war might possibly outweigh his victories in WAR. This must be a man of the people, in that he most likely killed, and certainly was murdered by, people. Patriot? Perhaps. Patronizing? Probably. People Person? PFFT!
Sound off, fair NotGraphs readers. Which former player deserves the moniker of “Grey-Eyed Man of Destiny”? You nominations will be considered, with the top candidates meeting in a showdown next week.
As reliable content-generator and hot, sexy tuba-ist David Temple noted yesterday in these pages, this year’s Winter Meetings — at which Meetings the author, who is a real-live baseball writer now, was actually present — were decidedly yawn-worthy in terms of deals that were actually made. That having been said (and with due respect to Tim Dierkes et al.), there are a number of rumors that have been entirely ignored by the sporting media — rumors about which any reasonable person is likely to ask “Why is no one talking about this???”
Rumors like these five, specifically:
The following are various animals reacting to the results of this year’s Winter Meetings:
As she noted during her Wednesday appearance on FanGraphs Audio (live on tape from the Winter Meetings!), Sports on Earth’s Emma Span was not always a highly decorated and widely hailed commentator of athletic contests on this (if no other) planet. Before that, she was a highly decorated and same-amount-as-hailed writer of short descriptions for all manner of direct-to-video films.
With regard to perhaps sampling Ms. Span’s prose stylings from that important moment in her career, the internet refuses to fail us. For it’s at electronic auction house eBay that we find one of Span’s charming nugae: detailed item info for Stanley the Stinkbug Goes to Camp.
Drink deeply, citizens of the world:
Lovable but naturally smelly Stanley the Stinkbug struggles to make friends at his new summer camp, in spite of his powerful odor, in this inspirational and warm-hearted kids’ cartoon about tolerance, acceptance, and God’s love. Judge Reinhold voices Stanley, joining a talented cast that also includes Tim Conway and Don Knotts.
Span’s sympathies for Stanley are obvious and beautiful — like something that is both beautiful but also obvious at the same time. Stanley’s pain is Span’s pain; his lessons about tolerance are her same lessons; his complex relationship with noted star of 1988 comedy Vice Versa Judge Reinhold are her same feelings about the entire Santa Clause trilogy’s Judge Reinhold.
Jack Z: Don’t get your coffee without him.
Early this morning, Jim Bowden tweeted that perhaps the Mariners’ motivation for inserting themselves into the rumored multi-team Justin Upton trade scenarios was to ensure Texas was out of the running for Josh Hamilton.
Mariners involvement in 4 team blockbuster proposals is to utilize prospects to make sure TX gets Upton so they can actually sign Hamilton
— JIM BOWDEN (@JimBowdenESPNxm) December 6, 2012
In my previous post, I made strong claims about the association between facial hair and the proud name Randall. These claims, intuitive though they may be, were unsupported by statistical analysis. Because we hold ourselves to higher standards here at Notgraphs, I could not leave this matter unresolved. Those of you who have already accepted my claims and moved on, feel free to skip this post.
Steroid Abuser Jr.
Jeff Bagwinstrol
Creatine Baldness
Breasty Bonds
Jeff Cypionate
Raised Cholesterol
Regularly Cheating
Jeff Clenbuterol
Sustanon Finley
Julio Felon
Shawn Greenies
Roidberto Hernandianabol
Roiding Kidneydisease
Kenny Liar
Edgar Martestosterone
Doing Meth
Fred McGrowthhormone
Mark McGrossmisconduct
Jaundice Mesa
Jack Morepills
Deca-durabolin Murphy
Rafael Primobolan
Macne Pibacne
Tumors Raines
Reduced Spermcount
Caught Steroiding
Aanovar Selling
Liver Suffering
Steroid Swallower
More Steroids
All True
Liar Walker
Trembling Walker
David Winstrol
Rondell Waste
Badguy Williams
Woody Willcheated
