The following are fifteen possible childish headlines regarding the R.A. Dickey trade situation:
Dickey Deep in Negotiations
Angels Working Hard on Dickey
Alderson Discussed Dickey All Night
Suitors May Have to Pay Big Price for Dickey
Deal with Dickey Close to Completion
In which the Royal We insert the name of Von Hayes, uncomfortably apt yin to Dick Allen’s yang, into the used books We purchased while earning Our liberal arts degree from the local state university.
Today’s topic: the End of the World, as foretold by professional doomsayer and Anglican curate, Robert Malthus.
I think I may fairly make two postulata.
First, That food is necessary to the existence of man.
Secondly, That the passion between the sexes is necessary and will remain in its present state.
These two laws, ever since we have had any knowledge of mankind, appear to have been fixed laws of our nature, and, as we have not hitherto seen any alteration in them, we have no right to conclude that they will ever cease to be what they now are, without an immediate act of power in that Being who first arranged the system of the universe, and for the advantage of his creatures, still executes, according to fixed laws, all its various operations.
Assuming then, my postulata as granted, I say, that the power of Von Hayes is indefinitely greater than the power in the earth to produce subsistence for man.
Von Hayes, when unchecked, increases in a geometric ratio. Subsistence increases only in an arithmetical ratio. A slight acquaintance with numbers will shew immensity of the first power in comparison of the second.
By that law of our nature which makes food necessary to the life of man, the effects of these two unequal powers must be kept equal.
This implies a strong and constantly operating check on Von Hayes from the difficulty of subsistence. This difficulty must fall some where and must necessarily be severely felt by a large portion of mankind.
This has been the only episode of Inserting Von Hayes’ Name Into Works of Non-Fiction.
The White Sox last week became the latest team to add an assistant hitting coach, hiring Harold Baines (who was the first-base coach last season) to assist Jeff Manto. This is a growing trend:
Mike Aldrete took the job with the Cardinals in 2008 and last year gave way to John Mabry, who recently was promoted to the top job when Mark McGwire left for the Dodgers. St. Louis is searching for Mabry’s replacement, while Los Angeles hired John Valentin to help McGwire after previously using Jeff Pentland and Dave Hansen in that role.
The Royals and Phillies each added a pair of hitting coaches this offseason, as Andre David will assist Jack Maloof in Kansas City and Wally Joyner will back up Steve Henderson in Philadelphia. The Padres made the move last offseason, hiring Alonzo Powell to work with Phil Plantier.
Both teams in this year’s World Series also had assistants, who now have official titles. The Giants moved Joe Lefebvre into the role during the 2011 season, and the Tigers did the same with Toby Harrah this year.
Besides the White Sox, the Cubs and Rangers have carried an assistant hitting coach at times in the past few years. And while the position hasn’t always stuck, its trend line clearly is headed upward…
The three clubs that added assistant hitting coaches before this past season — the Braves, Giants and Padres — all made significant gains over 2011 in runs scored and OPS, while jumping at least two spots in the National League rankings in both categories.
Am I silly not to be convinced by that rigorous analysis? Not that I want to make an argument that assistant hitting coaches are a bad idea, but surely the fact that three clubs that added assistant hitting coaches all made gains in two cherry-picked categories, with a sample size of one season, isn’t actual statistically-relevant evidence of anything, is it?
Also, the mere addition of an assistant hitting coach would seem to be far, far, far less important than the question of who it is, and how good they are at coaching hitting.
Q. Describe the plot of a non-extant Coen Brothers film in fewer than 140 characters.
A. Ahem:
“Adam LaRoche is going to come back. Even if I have to go to Kansas and take him and his cattle to Fla.” –Davey Johnson twitter.com/MLB/status/276…
— MLB (@MLB) December 4, 2012
I don’t know who Dan Haren is, so I’m just going to go ahead and see which baseball players died on this date in history.
Even when morose, the author is hopelessly earnest.
Among the name-heavy, stat-light players are Walter “Footie” Ockey, and the indomitable Dick Luebke. But another great [unpronounceable] name stands out: Emil Yde.
Rookie sensation turned hipster.
Recently in this space, some controversy arose regarding the identity of two persons: Randy “Other Randy Johnson” Johnson, active in major league baseball from 1980 to 1982, and Randy “Other Other Randy Johnson” Johnson, active from 1982 to 1984. A philosophical question was also raised, regarding the direction of causality between a) players named Randy Johnson (also including Randy “Randy Johnson” Johnson, active from 1988 to 2009) and b) the facial hair thereupon. As there is obviously considerable confusion surrounding these closely related issues, I decided it was well worth setting aside an entire column for the purposes of sorting it all out.
NASHVILLE, Tenn. – In a move that is being described by industry insiders as ill-thought, problematic, and “fucking stupid,” NotGraphs editor Carson Cistulli has gained entrance to the Baseball Writers Association of America. Cistulli’s admission is a curious one as, though he can be classified as a writer, he doesn’t necessarily write about baseball, and rumors still abound as to whether he is, in fact, an American.
The BBWAA – once an organization of stature, respectability, and purpose – has certainly made waves with this decision. This appointment will allow Cistulli entrance to the press box of any Major League Baseball game, though Cistulli lives upwards of 90 minutes from the closest MLB stadium. It will grant him press credentials to all official MLB events – including the Winter meetings, the All-Star Game, and postseason festivities – even given the near certainty that he will embarrass himself, FanGraphs, and the BBWAA at these events. Should he maintain good standing in the organization, a feat that will surely not materialize, he will be able to cast his vote for the National Baseball Hall of Fame, a thought that strikes fear into almost anyone who cares about baseball, or the idea of voting.
“We are very proud of Carson, I guess,” said FanGraphs editor-in-chief Dave Cameron, whose own admittance in 2011 surely and disastrously paved the way for Cistulli’s. “I’m sure he will now ask for a raise, which I can assure all FanGraphs readers will not happen.”
“I can’t think of anyone more deserving than Carson,” said Internet baseball writer Sam Miller, who was also admitted this year. “Just kidding, I can think of at least a dozen.” Miller then ripped off his shirt, revealing a large tattoo bearing the text “Prospectus 4 Lyfe.”
Cistulli’s obsession with facial hair, Dick Allen, and middling prospects separates him some from most writers in the BBWAA. His penchant for midday drinking and wrapping his stories in bullshit metaphors is very on par with current writers, however.
Cistulli was not available for comment at the time of this publishing, as his recent accolades have not heightened his ability to answer emails in a timely fashion.
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In all seriousness, I could not be happier for Carson, as well as Eno Sarris, for their admittance. I owe a great deal to Carson, and I truly believe he deserves his appointment. We tend to tease him around here, but it’s pretty easy to see that he is a great writer. He also has a big heart (and a great eye for talent), plucking Yours Truly from obscurity and giving me a chance to have my voice heard. Congratulations, Carson.
Congratulations to FanGraphs’ Greekest contributor, Eno Sarros, on his admission to the Baseball Writers Association of America.
RT @jonmorosi: #Phillies, with needs at 3B and OF, checked in with the recently released Chone Figgins.<–2 years ago maybe,not now though
— gene (@xrossfade42) December 2, 2012
