BBWAA Admits Carson Cistulli, Loses All Credibility

NASHVILLE, Tenn. – In a move that is being described by industry insiders as ill-thought, problematic, and “fucking stupid,” NotGraphs editor Carson Cistulli has gained entrance to the Baseball Writers Association of America. Cistulli’s admission is a curious one as, though he can be classified as a writer, he doesn’t necessarily write about baseball, and rumors still abound as to whether he is, in fact, an American.

The BBWAA – once an organization of stature, respectability, and purpose – has certainly made waves with this decision. This appointment will allow Cistulli entrance to the press box of any Major League Baseball game, though Cistulli lives upwards of 90 minutes from the closest MLB stadium. It will grant him press credentials to all official MLB events – including the Winter meetings, the All-Star Game, and postseason festivities – even given the near certainty that he will embarrass himself, FanGraphs, and the BBWAA at these events. Should he maintain good standing in the organization, a feat that will surely not materialize, he will be able to cast his vote for the National Baseball Hall of Fame, a thought that strikes fear into almost anyone who cares about baseball, or the idea of voting.

“We are very proud of Carson, I guess,” said FanGraphs editor-in-chief Dave Cameron, whose own admittance in 2011 surely and disastrously paved the way for Cistulli’s. “I’m sure he will now ask for a raise, which I can assure all FanGraphs readers will not happen.”

“I can’t think of anyone more deserving than Carson,” said Internet baseball writer Sam Miller, who was also admitted this year. “Just kidding, I can think of at least a dozen.” Miller then ripped off his shirt, revealing a large tattoo bearing the text “Prospectus 4 Lyfe.”

Cistulli’s obsession with facial hair, Dick Allen, and middling prospects separates him some from most writers in the BBWAA. His penchant for midday drinking and wrapping his stories in bullshit metaphors is very on par with current writers, however.

In all seriousness, I could not be happier for Carson, as well as Eno Sarris, for their admittance. I owe a great deal to Carson, and I truly believe he deserves his appointment. We tend to tease him around here, but it’s pretty easy to see that he is a great writer. He also has a big heart (and a great eye for talent), plucking Yours Truly from obscurity and giving me a chance to have my voice heard. Congratulations, Carson.