I’ll just be honest: my fondest wish is someday to create an Internet Meme. I dream of taking part in something bigger than myself. I dream of jostling, however minutely, the course of popular culture. I dream of trawling the infosphere’s uncharted seas, leaving ever-expanding ripples of LOLs and WTFs in my wake.
Dear NotGraphs,
Diehard Chicago White Sox fan here. I met this hottie at a college party last semester – we’ll call her Amanda. Amanda seemed like a nice enough girl at first. We hooked up, went on a few dates and before long, we officially became a couple. Everything seemed to be going well, that is, until I found out Amanda had a dirty little secret. She was a Cubs fan.
Not only was she a Cubs fan – she was the kind of Cubs fan who didn’t know anything about the team (other than they had a “hot” second baseman). I know my family and friends would never approve of our inter-franchise relationship. I’ve managed to hide her problem from the guys for now, but baseball season is about to start and I can’t keep dancing around the issue. What should I do?
Thanks,
Pale Hosed
Over the first two games of the Pirates-Dodgers series, right-handed reliever Kenley Jansen (already a Person of Interest for the present site) has faced seven batters over 2.0 innings. Against those seven batters, he’s recorded five strikeouts and two ground balls (one of which went for a hit), having induced swings and misses on nine of his 33 pitches (27.3%). Of those nine swinging strikes, over half (five) have come against Clint Barmes — who, not surprisingly, has struck out in both of his plate appearances.
Owing to what one can only assume is the product both of above-average nature and nurture, the production team of the Dodgers’ broadcast home, Fox Sports Prime Ticket, chose to render lovingly into Super Slo (and eminently GIF-able) Mo the conclusion of each Barmes plate appearance — which footage I now share with the reader. (Note: both GIFs are precisely 1000 frames long, so they should theoretically be aligned in terms of time. Theoretically, I say.)
From the April 10th game (box):
The Wall Street Journal released their Best and Worst Jobs of 2012 list yesterday. It is an interesting list, aside from one glaring omission (click to embiggen):
Earlier today, Dayn Perry, doing his best work, provided a timely and emotionally charged update on the Big New Bedford Youth Baseball Controversy.
While itself the very apotheosis of youth baseball controversies, the Big New Bedford Youth Baseball Controversy is not the only example of the genre.
In fact, the Internetting Gentleman, were he so inclined, could find himself googling the terms little, league, and controversy — and then, immediately after that, find himself becoming an expert on no fewer than five other youth baseball controversies.
These ones, to be specific:
Bountiful (UT) Little League, 2006
A coach orders an intentional walk of an opponent’s best hitter, in order to face Romney Oaks, a cancer survivor who “needs a shunt in his brain just to live.” Oaks strikes out.
WARNING: This post is earnest and unfunny. Proceed with caution.
Last night the Astros unveiled the first of their series of throwback uniforms celebrating the franchise’s 50th anniversary. After a minor kerfuffle over the use of a firearm in the logo, they look the field with guns blazin’. I don’t care much for weaponry myself (bad Texan, I know), but the sight of my favorite team in these beautiful retro uniforms was enough to put me on the edge of the kind of happy tears I normally reserve for sloths and compliments on my hair.
photo via @MLB
The handsome and besexed reader has no doubt been waiting, breath breathily bated, for news on the unfurling 2007 controversy surrounding the New Bedford, Massachusetts Youth Baseball League. To update:
– A 92-signature petition requesting the presumably blood-soaked removal of the league’s Executive Board has been filed with the Attorney General’s Office.
– Said Executive Board curiously won quite a large share of those league raffle dollars, in some instances, oddly enough, in increments roughly proportional to the amount of power wielded by each member of the Executive Board.
– Ejected coaches are supposed to be fined, and the coach of Manny’s Barber Shop totally was indeed fined upon being ejected. Not fined for being ejected, however, was Coach DeGrasse, who, it so happens, is a member of the Executive Board.
– Complain to the mayor about the conduct of the Executive Board, and you shall be relieved of coaching duties. At least that’s what happened to the former Coach Pereira.
– League Vice President Heather Rowan was allegedly “talking about vibrators in front of the kids.”
– Someone, someone possibly with allegiances to Ma’s Donuts, threw a rock and hit the parent of a player for Manny’s Barbershop, a team already the target of previous ruthlessness on the part of the Executive Board.
– As well, there is an almost palpable lack of “urgency from them [the big assholes of the Executive Board] to find out who threw the rock.”
– As well, there is an almost palpable “conspiracy to expel me [Coach Duarte, of Manny’s Barber Shop] from the league . . .”
Developing.
Chad Moriyama complains about nine teams being blacked out in Hawaii, which, last I checked, is not within reasonable driving distance to any major league ballpark. So I thought it would be helpful to put together a complete list of MLB’s blackout rules.
1. Teams have exclusive rights to broadcast video into designated territories. These territories were determined in 1806, before the invention of Major League Baseball, the invention of video, and the statehood of the most recent 33 states to join the union.
We — those watching at home last night on television — didn’t see this clown while he was running around the field. We only heard about him, and his antics. But, as the Getty Image above shows us, he was no ordinary streaker. He was a streaker with a message: YOLO; You Only Live Once.
Now, I’ll be honest, I’ve never understood streaking. I don’t see the joy in removing one’s clothes, running around a baseball field, and then being tackled, and perhaps tazered, by the police. But, hey, that’s me; there are some things I’ll never understand. But he — the streaker — is right about one thing: we certainly do only live once. And if streaking almost naked across the Rogers Centre field with YOLO written on his chest was on that young man’s bucket list, it no longer is today, and I can respect that.
I’ve learned a valuable lesson from last night’s streaker: life is short. Too short. Who knows if we’ll be here tomorrow. Tackle your bucket list, friends. Because it won’t tackle itself. I’m going to buy that iPad after all. Probably today. Thank you, anonymous streaker. Your arrest wasn’t in vain.
Trick question. The answer is obviously the one pictured below:
How cold is it at Wrigley Field today? Look for this masked coach on FS Wisconsin. First pitch 7:05 CT! twitter.com/MikeVassallo13…
— Mike Vassallo (@MikeVassallo13) April 10, 2012
