Founder David Appelman’s wife, who possesses flawless (a) skin and (b) taste, bought 25 of these shirts — which make reference to a certain, famous chapter in this site’s annals — for her husband. They (i.e. the shirts) may or may not have been designed by the present author and Eno Sarris.

I can’t guarantee that it’ll work, but if this is something about which you’d be interested in acquiring in exchange for American currency, you might consider writing your senator. Or, alternatively, making note of same in the comments section.

Jason Kendall, who had what is probably going to be career-ending shoulder surgery last summer, who was accused of abusing Adderal by his ex-wife (with whom he is engaging in a nasty child custody battle), and who in recent years has looked haggard as hell

or even meth-addled

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Dear NotGraphs,

Any subscriptions you choose to make must be cost-calculated for 4 years and subtracted from the cash. Furnish, equip, stock, & subscribe as you see fit.

Dear Lonely Reader With Disposable Cash,

You and last week’s letter writer should hang out. He wants someone to watch the game with, and you seem to have a pretty sweet setup, along with $1500 in your pocket, which you guys can use for some pretty fancy take-out. I guess my first recommendation would be MLB.TV Premium ($124.99), set up to watch the feed on your television. Maybe a mini-fridge ($70) and some snacks and beverages. Although, assuming there’s a kitchen upstairs, I don’t know if the mini-fridge even adds all that much value, since baseball games come with sufficient commercial breaks. Maybe there are readers who know about some technological breakthrough that I’m not yet aware of, or someone wants to explain in the comments why you should buy a Slingbox or a Vook or something else I’ve never used and barely heard of, but otherwise, I think you’re good. And I think I’ve just illustrated that I have no idea what people do with disposable income.

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What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Omar Vizquel was swaddled in the nickname “Soft Corinthian Leather.” So Mr. Vizquel has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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Presented without comment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO3LxJdnqa0&

Actually, I do have a comment: Long live Tony Plush.

H/T: @TheRealTPlush.

This year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held Monday and Tuesday at Madison Square Garden in New York City. A celebration of racial purity and shaved butts, it is a super weird event that I find relentlessly entertaining and fascinating, despite the fact that I have never and will never own a AKC registered purebred dog (since there are really cute mutts being put to sleep every day). Naturally, I spent Valentine’s Day eating failed meringues, watching the televised version of the event, and forming a baseball analogy for your edification (plus YAY DOG PICTURES YAY):

Palacegarden Malachy

Pekinese (Toy Group), Pitcher

2012 WAR: 7.1

Awards: Best In Show, Best In Toy Group, Best Pekinese, Cy Young

Malachy’s performance in 2012 was strong, but there are those in the sabermetric community who feel that he ran away with the BIS (Best In Show) award this year based on some outdated factors (weirdness, front fluffiness). Certainly, he is a dog who seems at first glance to lack the grit or determination necessary for this game, but those who judge him are missing out on this dog’s extraordinary (if a bit unconventional) control from the mound. Those that have questioned Malachy’s “hustle” and drive, consider this: he had the highest K/9 last year for a pitcher with at least 20 starts, and his shape kind of reminds me of Falcor.
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In the interest of both (a) not wanting to let a good thing slip away and (b) not making the same mistakes Billy Joel made, I utilized the most recent holiday to tell my wife all about how I love her.

Or, actually, better than that, I had both Rubby de la Rosa and Craig Counsell tell her for me.

(Click to embiggen, jerks.)

As everyone knows, the smoking of wholesome, restorative tobacco products is essential to success at the office, at the ballpark and in the bedroom. But which brand of gasper, in tandem with a regimen of deep knee bends and whirling dervishes and some time on the vibrating belt machine, will best make a man a man? I need not tell you that when it comes to refreshing taste at a price you can appreciate, Chesterfield is your choice. Unless your choice is Camel.

So which brand of puff should the ambitious youngster have started smoking yesterday? Let’s decide this by American Home Runs Over Wholesome Fences! First up, representing fat-free, vegan Camels is Smoke Cigarettes Hank Aaron!

That’s 755 home runs for Camel! Mildness and great taste? Not impossible, says Smoke Cigarettes Hank Aaron! Can Chesterfield possibly surmount such a deficit? What say you, Smoke Cigarettes Willie Mays?

Whoa, shit! That’s 660 home runs for the cause of Chesterfield, which are great in large part because they are great for you! And now Chesterfield will attempt to take the lead with Smoke Cigarettes Stan Musial!

Triple smoking pleasure? ABC call-to-action? The living fuck, yes!

Add it up, and it’s now 1,135 home runs to 755 home runs, advantage Chesterfield! The hopes of Camel now rest on the rolled-tobacco shoulders of Smoke Cigarettes Roger Maris!

Goodness gracious, he almost did it! That’s 1,030 home runs for Camel, which means Chesterfield is the winner!

Of course, everyone who chooses the Smoking American Lifestyle is the real winner! Want to be strong and heroic like the Smoke Cigarettes Men above? Then smoke cigarettes! Anything to add, Leo Durocher?

“Don’t forget that the right attitude and a well placed cigarette also mean you’ll be drowning in ass!”

The Internetting Gentleman conducts a search …

The Internetting Gentleman unearths a notable search result …

The Internet is: ON.