Cigarette Home Run Derby!

As everyone knows, the smoking of wholesome, restorative tobacco products is essential to success at the office, at the ballpark and in the bedroom. But which brand of gasper, in tandem with a regimen of deep knee bends and whirling dervishes and some time on the vibrating belt machine, will best make a man a man? I need not tell you that when it comes to refreshing taste at a price you can appreciate, Chesterfield is your choice. Unless your choice is Camel.

So which brand of puff should the ambitious youngster have started smoking yesterday? Let’s decide this by American Home Runs Over Wholesome Fences! First up, representing fat-free, vegan Camels is Smoke Cigarettes Hank Aaron!

That’s 755 home runs for Camel! Mildness and great taste? Not impossible, says Smoke Cigarettes Hank Aaron! Can Chesterfield possibly surmount such a deficit? What say you, Smoke Cigarettes Willie Mays?

Whoa, shit! That’s 660 home runs for the cause of Chesterfield, which are great in large part because they are great for you! And now Chesterfield will attempt to take the lead with Smoke Cigarettes Stan Musial!

Triple smoking pleasure? ABC call-to-action? The living fuck, yes!

Add it up, and it’s now 1,135 home runs to 755 home runs, advantage Chesterfield! The hopes of Camel now rest on the rolled-tobacco shoulders of Smoke Cigarettes Roger Maris!

Goodness gracious, he almost did it! That’s 1,030 home runs for Camel, which means Chesterfield is the winner!

Of course, everyone who chooses the Smoking American Lifestyle is the real winner! Want to be strong and heroic like the Smoke Cigarettes Men above? Then smoke cigarettes! Anything to add, Leo Durocher?

“Don’t forget that the right attitude and a well placed cigarette also mean you’ll be drowning in ass!”

Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

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Don’t forget Joltin Joe and the Splendid Splinter were chesterfield boys as well. Mantle/Viceroys is a distant 3rd