Archive for December, 2011

Found: Baltimore Orioles Decision Making FlowChart

You’re going to want to embiggen. Actually, click here.

While there are plenty of brilliant outcomes to choose from, my favorite one is: “Why?”

I feel you, Orioles fans. I do. But, as the flowchart accurately points out, at least you’ve got a fabulous ballpark.

A tip of the cap — a brand new Orioles one — to the Tumblr account of Billy, 22, from Virginia, which he’s named, “You Will Always Be A Loser.” Billy’s a true Orioles fan, no doubt.

The 2016 Houston Astros

Upon hearing the news that Jeff Luhnow, the new General Manager of the Houston Astros, reads Baseball Prospectus and The Book and that 2. Keith Law recently interviewed for a position in the Astros front office, I have found a deeply repressed wellspring of optimism. Does this optimism derive from a single player on the Astros team or in their farm system? No. Does it derive from the fact that the Astros will, after next year, be battling in the more difficult American League, as well as playing in the same division as Albert Pujols (again)? No. Does it derive from an unapologetic personal bias towards executives who understand WAR? Yes, it does. That optimism has, for me, painted a picture of the future. This is what that picture looks like:

“New” uniforms

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12/31/11 Shall Be the “Day of Crap”

While those disinclined to ponder the inevitable see the 31st of December as the precipice of a new year — a date rich with the illusion of possibility — those devoted to base and ball will know it as the “Day of Crap.”

Why, you may ask, are those poo-festooned hours festooned with poo? Because 12/31/11 marks not the death in hospice of another year but rather the point at which we are equally distant from having seen baseball and seeing baseball again.

You see, the last out of the most recent World Series — God’s favorite World Series — occurred on October 28, 2011. Actual baseball won’t occur until February 29, 2012, when the Phillies renew hostilities with their august rivals Florida State. That comes to 124 days without that which helps us through the night. Advising us the diseased to find any port in a storm is useful only when there’s a port in view. Tomorrow, there shall be no port in view.

At the moment of Camus’s death by French sports car, he was likely plagued (see what I did there?) by thoughts of Algerian colonialism. Tomorrow shall be 24 hours of that moment.

Joe West Tosses 2011

NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank has personally informed me know that as 2011 ends, so too does our first full calendar year on the immaculate Internet. We had fun this year. We hope you did, too.

Thanks for reading NotGraphs in 2011, and I wish you and yours a most prosperous new year. Here’s to 2012. As Roy Halladay once oh-so-eloquently put it: “It’s only gonna get funner.

Oh yeah: 2011, you’re gone!

On Friday March 4, 2011, shortly after 6:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, reader Matt. D. sent us a whited-out picture of Joe West, along with the words, “if you have some time, have some fun!” We had time. We definitely had fun. Today, Joe West is at home in the NotGraphs logo. Personally, I like to think that Joe West — and Dick Allen — own honorary NotGraphs degrees. (Even though we don’t award honorary degrees. That’s how exclusive they are.) Anyway, thank you, Matt. May your light shine brightest in 2012. And, on a somewhat related note, the original 2011 image up there comes to you via PSD Graphics and Development Horizons. Both of them. A real team effort. Thank you, too.

Extry, Extry: Yankees Hate Freedom

It is well known that the Yankees, proconsuls to all that is gnarled and dark, exist primarily not to play base and ball but rather to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted. As though we needed proof beyond what horse-sense confides, here’s a particularly damning GIF. Click and be appalled!

Little explanation is needed, but that’s a young fellow in a Yankee cap at the funeral of the late Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, who was coconuts. Kim was, of course, a vicious despot, so it should come as no surprise that the young man in the cap was a sanctioned emissary dispatched by the Yankee front office in order to ensure a post-transition diplomatic relationship with DPRK!*

Patriots awake!

(Secret handshake of the resistance movement: UniWatch)

* Not true, but still …

Injury Designations of Baseball Past

It’s well known — both to our readers and the IRS — that the majority of this site’s fluid assets are directed towards the funding of our Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank, a collection of our era’s most capable scholars, intellectuals, and amateur pornographers.

While neither prolific nor sober — and while typically found attempting to play Hide the Salam with the innkeeper’s daughter — the Tank does occasionally produce something of note.

In this case, that something is what follows — namely, a list of actual injury designations from baseball’s past. Absent from the game’s earliest injury reports are any attempts at true anatomical precision. One finds no reference either to ACLs or rotator cuffs, but instead a more colorful, if way less helpful, medical lexicon.

A. Swamp Knee
B. Sticky Cleat
C. Mexican Hangover
D. Jagged Britches
E. Palsied Bat
F. Accidental Polygamy
G. Questionable Paternity
H. Emergency Divorce
I. Sprained Liver
J. Wrenched Liver
K. Entirely Ruined Liver
L. Spotted Dick
M. Whiskey Butt
N. Manifest Destiny
O. Secular Imagination
P. Black Face
Q. Death Breath
R. Dungaree Fever
S. Mal du Suisse
T. Mal du Spavinaw, Oklahoma

Oakland A’s Trades of the Future

28-year-old catcher Kurt Suzuki to the Tampa Bay Rays for 20-year-old pitchers Enny Romero and Felipe Rivero.

28-year-old pitcher Brandon McCarthy to the Miami Marlins for 21-year-old catcher J.T. Realmuto and 23-year-old OF/1B Mark Canha.

29-year-old shortstop Cliff Pennington to the Los Vancouver Dodgers for 23-year-old pitcher Allen Webster. The Dodgers then trade Pennington to the Los Angeles Angels of The Entire Los Angeles Metropolitan Area for 30-year-old first baseman Kendrys Morales, who is looking forward to finally returning for the 2014 season after more than three years of rehab from his leg, ankle, foot, toe, toenail, and toenail lint injuries.

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A Tweet by Logan Morrison, Illustrated

From the infinite spring of wonder and delight that is Logan Morrison’s twitter account comes today’s illustrated tweet. I am in debt to Notgraphs commenter Yirmiyahu for bringing this one to our attention.

click to enlarge!

R.A. Dickey, The Movie

Many thanks to A. Brown for shoving this in our collective chests, like an aristocrat pushing a cooked turkey into the hands of some bewildered serf.

So apparently, Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey is poised to mount Mount Kilimanjaro in what is likely a dramatic attempt to compensate for his inability to sling a 95-mph zoomer. And if this double-awesome show of Mountain Mantality was not awesome enough, the 37-year-old knuckle-man is also training with this impressive oxygen-deprivation mask:

Which makes us ask: How long until Hollywood makes this true story even more truer and explosiontastic?

Possible plots:
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Better Reasons Not to Vote Jeff Bagwell for the HOF

Sportswriters, this nonsense really needs to stop. Refusing to vote Jeff Bagwell into the Hall of Fame because you believe he may have used performance enhancing drugs because a number of his contemporaries did so is shameful.

It’s shameful because there are literally 16 better reasons not to vote Jeff Bagwell into the Hall of Fame. During Bagwell’s lifetime, someone somewhere has been guilty of each of the things listed below, which means in turn that Bagwell cannot escape the umbra of guilt cast by other members of his species.

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