Oakland A’s Trades of the Future

28-year-old catcher Kurt Suzuki to the Tampa Bay Rays for 20-year-old pitchers Enny Romero and Felipe Rivero.

28-year-old pitcher Brandon McCarthy to the Miami Marlins for 21-year-old catcher J.T. Realmuto and 23-year-old OF/1B Mark Canha.

29-year-old shortstop Cliff Pennington to the Los Vancouver Dodgers for 23-year-old pitcher Allen Webster. The Dodgers then trade Pennington to the Los Angeles Angels of The Entire Los Angeles Metropolitan Area for 30-year-old first baseman Kendrys Morales, who is looking forward to finally returning for the 2014 season after more than three years of rehab from his leg, ankle, foot, toe, toenail, and toenail lint injuries.

A year’s supply of bats, baseballs, and the white paint to draw the foul lines to the New York Mets for 35-year-old OF Jason Bay and a credit good toward $16.4 million of his $17 million salary, deferred until 2034 at 12% interest.

30-year-old outfielder Colin Cowgill to the Seattle Mariners for 19-year-old starting pitcher Jennifer Smith.

31-year-old second baseman Jemile Weeks to the Michigan Tigers & Tigresses for rookie left-center fielder (age unknown) Zork of Jupiter.

39-year-old future Hall of Fame outfielder Josh Reddick to the MicroGoogle Red Sox of the land formerly known as Boston for 51-year-old designated hitter/hittress David Ortiz (on his birthday!), 43-year-old midfielder/defenseman Dustin Pedroia-Obama, and $14 trillion dollars ($27.95 in today’s money).

81-year-old David Ortiz to the Halliburton $&^@!s of Neptune for test tube #76108-5432, three pounds of space food, and a photo of what Earth used to look like, before the warming happened. Another rebuilding process in Oakland begins, trying to get even younger, as financing is hopefully finally coming together for the move to the lost island of San Jose, at the base of the Coca-Cola ocean, on the planet Venus, Jr.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Beachy Keen
11 years ago

The Halliburton $&^@!s of Neptune are a team on the rise. I love their unborn core players. Watch for their breakout in 2048.