R.A. Dickey, The Movie

Many thanks to A. Brown for shoving this in our collective chests, like an aristocrat pushing a cooked turkey into the hands of some bewildered serf.

So apparently, Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey is poised to mount Mount Kilimanjaro in what is likely a dramatic attempt to compensate for his inability to sling a 95-mph zoomer. And if this double-awesome show of Mountain Mantality was not awesome enough, the 37-year-old knuckle-man is also training with this impressive oxygen-deprivation mask:

Which makes us ask: How long until Hollywood makes this true story even more truer and explosiontastic?

Possible plots:

1. R.A. Dickey climbs Mount Kilimanjaro in order to seal a gateway to an evil dimension with a well-placed magic knuckleball. His sexy, female Sherpa falls in love with him.

2. R.A. Dickey climbs Mount Kilimanjaro to escape a rising tide of zombie space invaders, staking out the last safe vestige for humanity atop the most desolate mountain top in the world. His sexy, female Sherpa falls in love with him.

3. R.A. Dickey climbs Mount Kilimanjaro to finally complete his Doomsday Device, holding the universe hostage has the sun begins to knuckle throughout the universe. Yuniesky Betancourt saves the universe with a sacrifice bunt. His sexy, female bench coach falls in love with him.

4. R.A. Dickey climbs Mount Kilimanjaro just as a massive meteor hits the earth, rendering him and his sexy, female Sherpa the only humans remaining on the planet. They repopulate the earth, teaching future generations to throw only knuckleballs.

5. R.A. Dickey, a female knuckleball pitcher, climbs Mount Kilimanjaro. Fighting her way through surprise cells of Al Qaeda soldiers in the mountains, she finally reaches the top of the mountain to uncover a secret terrorist missile silo. She saves the Western Hemisphere from certain doom. Dickey returns home a national and international hero, retiring early from baseball to become an orator and a political activist for anti-secret terrorist missile silos. After several decades in the national spotlight, Dickey retires to her lonesome ranch in the Montana wilderness. One day, riding her black and white stallion slowly down a ravine on the western edge of her property, she hears the distinctive rhythm of a rattlesnake poised to strike, followed quickly by a scream of pain, echoing down the tall, red walls of the ravine. Spurring her horse into a sprint, she rounds the corner to find Dengchi. “Dengchi?” she says in shock, yanking the horse to a stop. “Help!” he says, pointing at the snake bite on his ankle. Knowing too well that Dengchi is dying, Dickey holds him, kissing his forehead. “I love you,” she says, “I always have. You were the greatest Sherpa a female knuckleballer could ever have.” Dengchi dies in her arms. Dickey then climbs Mount Kilimanjaro again, burying Dengchi in the old missile silo. But suddenly, it becomes apparent the silo was not built with human technology. Dengchi emerges from the silo, healthier and stronger than ever. Dickey stares at amazement as her own body becomes youthful and healthy again. Her sexy, zombie Sherpa falls in love with her.

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11 years ago


…*more applause.