Breaking news, baseball fans: Marlins closer Leo Núñez is not who he says he is. In fact, it has recently been reported that Leo Núñez is not Leo Núñez at all:

MIAMI—
The Marlins on Wednesday placed closer Leo Nunez on the restricted list so he could return to his native Dominican Republic to clear up a few things. Namely, his name.

A league source initially said Nunez was not missing the Marlins’ final six games as a result of improper conduct. Later, the source confirmed Nunez’s premature departure was the result of an immigration issue.

The Associated Press citing two people with knowledge of the case reported Nunez’s real name is Juan Carlos Oviedo and is 29, a year older than his listed age. The report also said the Marlins had been aware of the discrepancy for months.

A club spokesman would not comment beyond acknowledging Nunez was moved to the restricted list and that he’d returned to the Dominican to take care of a personal matter.

Who or where the real Leo Núñez is remains unknown, but it appears fairly certain that he is not “Leo Núñez, Marlins closer.”  Regarding the identity “Leo Núñez, Marlins closer,” as one possibility we have Juan Carlos Oviedo, as noted above. Bo-RING. Thank goodness an “industry observer” has proposed a far more intriguing alternate possibility:

One industry observer said he didn’t believe this incident would impact Nunez moving forward, saying: “At this point in his career it doesn’t seem like a big deal. In reality, what is the big deal unless it turns out he is Fidel Castro in disguise.”

Mr. “Industry Observer” says this as if it is patently absurd. But let’s think about this rationally for a moment.

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That’s gonna leave a mark.

Earlier in the week, Dave Cameron introduced — and, shortly thereafter, reconsidered — a series entitled “FanGraphs Official Position On…” In theory, the series would use award-voting season as an entree into discussing both the strengths and limitations of advanced stats — and WAR, in particular — in determining the leagues’ MVPs and Cy Youngs and other things.

In practice, the project was more complicated than that. As Cameron noted in a piece on Tuesday, “The titles of the post[s] — and the fact that [FanGraphs is] really a big conglomerate of individuals with their own take on things — probably created more confusion than anything else.”

As usual, Cameron’s remarks are the picture of reason.

While the taking of “official positions” involves painting with too large a brush where our analytical cousins are concerned, the reader should know that, at NotGraphs, we endorse painting with as large a brush as possible — so that one can finish painting more quickly, of course, before moving on to more pressing matters, like inappropriate touching.

It’s for this reason that NotGraphs absolutelydefinitely has some official positions. Though an exhaustive list would be too exhaustive to compose, the author has submitted some representative stances for the reader’s consideration.

Here, then, are NotGraphs’ totally official positions on:

English, Written or Otherwise
It’s rude to communicate in any language besides English — but equally coarse not to festoon one’s sentences with charming foreign expressions.

English, Written or Otherwise, Part II
Whenever possible, use the oldest extant word for a thing. Instead of photograph, for example, use daguerreotype. Instead of Christian, consider lion food.

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A lot of things in life aren’t fair. Like having to grow up in Florida, probably. Or how your parents bought Becky a car even though they never bought you a car and you got better grades than Becky and were involved in a lot of extracurricular activities.

Another thing that isn’t fair — to Yankee call-up Brandon Laird and to a lot of major leaguers in the future — is Matt Moore’s changeup.

The one you see here is from the second inning of Thursday night’s contest between the Rays and Yankees. It features 10.1 inches of armside run and 2.2 inches of “rise” — this, relative to league averages of 8.2 and 5.1, respectively, on the change. (A note: Pitch F/x actually appeared to classify some of his changeups as split-fingered fastballs, although it’s unlikely that he’s throwing the ball purposely different.)

In all, Moore threw 11 changeups against the Yankees and received swing-and-misses on four of them (36.4%) — this, for a pitch that receives whiffs on only about 12% of offerings league-wide.

Thanks to Brooks Baseball for Pitch F/x data.

I’m at the Rogers Centre. Section 217, first base side. The lid’s open. There couldn’t be finer weather for the grand finale, the last baseball game in Toronto this year.

Vernon Wells is getting “the business” in left field. An elderly woman to my right booed him when he came to bat in the fifth. She’s merciless. A couple of enthusiastic Blue Jays fans, or, as I like to call them, “clowns,” just started the wave.

There’s an Englishman sitting behind me, at his second game this week. About baseball he said: “I just wish we had this in England.”

Baseball’s the best. It’s going to be a long winter.

ADDENDUM: Edwin Encarnacion — “Double E,” not “E5” — walked it off for Toronto. It was glorious. The Blue Jays made sure that since they weren’t going to the postseason, neither were the Los Angeles Angels. Here’s to playing spoiler.

In the 9th and 12th innings, when Jose Bautista stepped up to bat, most everyone in the building rose to their feet and showered the American League’s Most Valuable Player with applause, and chants of “MVP! MVP! MVP!” This warmed my baseball heart. We might not have given him the many curtain calls he probably deserved, but Bautista was appreciated. His has been another incredible season, one this city won’t soon forget.

I had it all Wednesday night: Great company; delicious sweet potato fries; a beautiful night; a couple of Bud Light Limes; and an extra innings, come-from-behind walk-off Blue Jays win. If that’s the last baseball game I ever have the privilege of watching in person, I’m good. No complaints.

As tonight’s Daguerreotype of the Evening will prove beyond doubting, the Distinguished Rooter is not averse to the well-timed profane gesture utilizing the greatest of fingers. Moreover, the Distinguished Rooter also possesses a preternatural awareness of the mascot’s downward plane of vision, and at times he — the Distinguished Rooter, that is — can wield this preternatural awareness to devastating effect …

(Bird-flip of kindness: Imgur)

As part of his ongoing efforts to bring world peace to the world, Peter Gammons submitted some important thoughts via Twitter late Wednesday night that have given the neterati much in the way of food for thought.

In an effort to fully digest said food, NotGraphs’ own Eric Augenbraun rendered Gammons’ cryptic message into the LOLGammo form that he’s made famouser than famous, as follows:

And because the internet only contains so many images of Peter Gammons, the present author has also attached Gammons’ message to the first three random images proffered by that most indispensable of websites, ROFL Bot.

To wit:

George Washington crossing the Delaware:

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And there’s not much more to say, is there? These Ports of Stockton, they are good at celebrating.

With his home run last night, Chicago (AL) third baseman Brent Morel now has seven of those things (i.e. home runs) in the month of September, placing him third in that respect behind only Ian Kinsler (9) and Adrian Beltre (8) — i.e. players who’ve established a track record of doing such a thing.

The present author has already written a brief love letter to Morel’s recent performance at FanGraphs’ main page, but has left some things unsaid that can only really be understood by bearing witness — awe-filled, pants-offed witness.

To that end, I’ve embedded below — and attached the most hilarious commentary you can imagine to — all of Morel’s September home runs, beginning with this one:

9/3: Off Brad Penny. In which Tiger fans are not happy, having just realized — one assumes — that they live in Michigan.

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Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Victorian Sex Rebel”!

The writer was reading a review of this book, and his first thought was not, “This is potentially an important addition to existing socio-historical scholarship.” Rather, his first thought was, “‘Victorian Sex Rebel’ would make a fine nickname.” And so it is.

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

The Victorian era was, of course, a time of restrained passions. One did not do certain things in polite company. Sometimes, one did not do anything in polite company. Indeed, for the bodice-ripper to exist, there must first be the binding oppression of the bodice itself.

So the Victorian Sex Rebel was one whose mighty will, heart and loins could not be harnessed by the times. Or it could be someone whose contrived image was at odds with his inner malaise. Something like that.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Bo Belinsky made baseball love to innumerable foxy ladies while the 60s were still the 50s. Joe DiMaggio affected an image of impossible grace even though he was, at heart, something of a miserable weirdo. A pilot killed a drunken Lon Koenecke with a fire extinguisher. So there was at least something Victorian Sex Rebellish about Mr. Koenecke, since I can’t imagine that being killed by a pilot with a fire extinguisher was ever a thing no matter how unruly the times.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which current major-league player should be nicknamed “Victorian Sex Rebel”?

The convention floor, which, appropriately enough, is lousy with sex hammocks, is now open for nominations …

Marketing Executive #1: Hello everyone and thank you for coming in today. Here are your Blue Sky thinking sheets.

Andre Dawson: Uh? My Blue Sky sheet’s blank.

Marketing Executive #2: Yes, it’s a blank sheet for you to use in our brainstorming exercise.

Andre Dawson: So why did you call it… never mind.

Marketing Executive #1: Okay it’s time. Please clear your minds. Listen only to the sound of my voice as I soothe away the outside world. We’re ready for inspiration here, and we’re opening our minds. Slowly opening our minds. Slowly exploring the darkness, and expanding above this room.

Jeffrey Loria: You’re fired.

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