NotGraphs Official Position On…

That’s gonna leave a mark.

Earlier in the week, Dave Cameron introduced — and, shortly thereafter, reconsidered — a series entitled “FanGraphs Official Position On…” In theory, the series would use award-voting season as an entree into discussing both the strengths and limitations of advanced stats — and WAR, in particular — in determining the leagues’ MVPs and Cy Youngs and other things.

In practice, the project was more complicated than that. As Cameron noted in a piece on Tuesday, “The titles of the post[s] — and the fact that [FanGraphs is] really a big conglomerate of individuals with their own take on things — probably created more confusion than anything else.”

As usual, Cameron’s remarks are the picture of reason.

While the taking of “official positions” involves painting with too large a brush where our analytical cousins are concerned, the reader should know that, at NotGraphs, we endorse painting with as large a brush as possible — so that one can finish painting more quickly, of course, before moving on to more pressing matters, like inappropriate touching.

It’s for this reason that NotGraphs absolutelydefinitely has some official positions. Though an exhaustive list would be too exhaustive to compose, the author has submitted some representative stances for the reader’s consideration.

Here, then, are NotGraphs’ totally official positions on:

English, Written or Otherwise
It’s rude to communicate in any language besides English — but equally coarse not to festoon one’s sentences with charming foreign expressions.

English, Written or Otherwise, Part II
Whenever possible, use the oldest extant word for a thing. Instead of photograph, for example, use daguerreotype. Instead of Christian, consider lion food.

The Expression “Write What You Know”
The expression “write what you know” is dangerous. You should write what you want to know.

The Work/Play Dichotomy
There’re some people who work in order to play; others play merely to refresh themselves for more work. Neither group has the right idea.

Children
Insofar as they prevent us (i.e. all the human race) from extinction, their presence is acceptable. A general inability to hold their liquor, however, makes them poor companions.

Bunting
If we presume that there are four main kinds of bunting, here they are in order of inherent worth:

1. The bird.
2. The festive decoration.
3. The poet, Basil.
4. The act of laying down a bunt.

Bunting, Effusive Praise For
Praising a player for his ability to bunt is like praising a great astronomer for not staring at the sun too long.

Canada
Canada is the best of the 50 states.

Current Events
Meh.

Peter Gammons, An Accurate Analogy About
George Plimpton : Detroit Lions :: Peter Gammons : Twitter*

Note: there might actually be some internal dissent regarding this one.