Yes, the above beard is more “maladjusted IT guy” rather than “elite ballplayer,” but I’m going with it. Anyhow, Internet computers have been buzzing for a while over news that Nats outfielder Jayson Werth might be forced to shave his “at work on my manifesto/buying canned food and ammo for my bunker” beard. Werth’s lamewad new employers have a facial-hair policy, and last month team pit boss Mike Rizzo dropped this bomb: “When I last saw him, he had no beard.”

Google Images is sadly lacking in photographic evidence, so we must take Mr. Rizzo at his word. Yes, near and dear, it is time to mourn Jayson Werth’s beard. To that end, nothing I could say, do or perpetrate will match what the Beard of Truth has to say on this urgent matter.

And what of the second-most famous baseball beard of the contemporary era? Fear not for it. As Beard of Truth reminds us, “I think you know this sweaty bastard needs me.”

(Curtsy: Reader Jordan Shapiro, who’s there for those who have nowhere left to turn.)

I, for one, think I have a good thing going with my planned fantasy baseball team name for next season: “Kevin Cash Considerations.” Over at RotoHardball, where some colleagues and I (including NotGraphs own Eno Sarris and RotoGraphs’ Zach Sanders) have run a fantasy mock draft. We had a couple of creative names in our group (“Steve Garvey’s Billfish Classic” and “Punxsutawney Phil Hughes” were pretty good I thought), but many lacked spunk (“Sanders’ Squad”? Really, Zach?). It’s become abundantly clear that even though some of us are experts of fantasy baseball, we’re not experts on picking awesome team names.

For that reason, I ask you, the loyal and stalwart NotGraphs reader, to help us, fantasy experts and the fantasy community at large, with this problem which pervades the industry. Submit, for the greater good, excellent fantasy baseball team names so that we can rid our standings page of drab, boring monikers.

Along with “Kevin Cash Considerations,” I would also throw in “Harangutangs,” “Magic Wandies,” and any line from the song from The Simpson’s episode where Mr. Burns hires various MLB players as ringers on the company softball team. “Ken Griffey’s Grotesquely Swollen Jaw”, and “Steve Sax’s Run In With The Law” work particularly well in my opinion.

But enough about me. Commentariat, America is counting on you.

Seeing as it’s only been, like, 33 hours since we at NotGraphs linked to the OC Register, it’s probably time to do that again, posthaste.

While, last time, we celebrated Sam Miller’s proclivity for the word cloud-related arts, today we look at writer Bill Plunkett’s capacities as a journalistic hype man.

Regard this headline, from Plunkett’s latest submission to the Angels Blog:

As the reader has likely already guessed, the remainder of the article isn’t about baseball at all, but rather just the lyrics to 1991’s smash-hit single “Good Vibrations.”

I neither endorse nor, uh, do the thing that’s the opposite of endorse ESPN prospect maven Keith Law’s occasionally surly interactions with the public. In the words of every pro athlete, “It is what it is.” Plus, Mr. Law’s very clearly a smart guy — both in the baseball, and also in the other kind of, way. He clearly knows what he’s doing, is what I mean to say.

What I will say is this: if you’d prefer not to be the object of the Klaw’s rage, then do consider not sharing with him unsubstantiated opinions or simple ad hominem attacks.

This advice comes a week late for at least five Twitter users, who took umbrage at Law’s suggestion that, tasked with starting a franchise immediately, he’d choose Troy Tulowitzki over Albert Pujols.

Below are Law’s various retorts, complete with RTs for the reader’s convenience.

1. In which Law has just been called a “moron.”

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While it goes without saying that FanGraphs’ own Marc Hulet and Bryan Smith are very clearly perfect 80s when it comes to the field of prospect mavenry, this is not to say the bespectacled reader must, or even ought to, limit himself to that pair’s excellent work when it comes to preseason prospect lists.

Which brings us to this well-placed blockquote regarding MLB.com’s Top 50 prospect list:

This year’s edition will be revealed on MLB Network at 9 p.m. ET on Tuesday during a special Top 50 Countdown program. The show, hosted by Greg Amsinger, will feature analysis from MLB.com senior writer Jonathan Mayo and former Indians general manager John Hart. The show will be streamed live on MLB.com. And you can chat with Mayo about the list on Wednesday at 2 p.m. ET on MLB.com.

If there’s one thing that’s maybe sometimes frustrating about the season’s prospects lists, it’s that there’s rarely video accompanying the analysis in question. I mean, sure, I’m not a “trained scout” and I don’t necessarily “know what I’m looking for,” but I at least like to pretend.

Although I don’t know it for a fact, I’m guessing that MLB.com’s presentation does feature video. So after tonight, we can all know just enough to be annoying.

Hello, my name is Eno Sarris, and I’m addicted to Sega’s new MLB Manager Online game.

As a fantasy addict, I’m familiar with the sort of addiction that Sega’s MLB Manager Online has spawned in me. Constant screen-refreshing, lineup-parsing, and strategy-pondering may not look like the two-feet-from-the-television glazed-over stare of the average gamer, but it fits right into the regular day of a fantasy addict. This isn’t to say that the game doesn’t have flaws, but it is to say that it has considerable upside.

Basic game play follows more of the approach a general manager might have. Compared to fantasy baseball, MMO asks you to think about your team as a whole. Defense, ‘clutch,’ and lineup order matter. Take a look at the roster home page and you’ll see that you’ve got players with certain costs, a budget for your lineup, and the ability to move players around the diamond to take advantage of their defense. You can play Pat Burrell in center field, if you want, but you’ll get some defensive penalties considering that he’s a “D”-rated outfielder with a ’44’ run tool out of 80.

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I make no secret of my admiration for Brian “Sounds Delicious” Wilson and his objectively delightful maniac’s beard. So it concerns me to know that sinister forces are seeking to do him harm. Indeed, if you were about to head over to Network Solutions or — if you are not a gentleman — GoDaddy and lay claim to the hotly sought domain name iwannafightbrianwilson.com, then know that you are sadly tardy in your exploits. It is already claimed, and claimant is not effing around …

So this is a formal invite for Brian Wilson to spar me in a legal boxing match in a boxing gym. Any gym he wants any time he wants. It would be a legal sparring match with full headgear and other safety equipment so there is no risk of him getting “seriously” hurt. There would be a ref, and all amateur boxing rules would apply. So if Brian Wilson is a real “tuff guy” like he tries to promote himself to be, and wants to challenge me to fight in a situation where i would get arrested, then I’m sure he is tuff enough to take on this challenge and get into a ring with me and have a legal boxing match! The ball is in his court now!

And just for those who think Im trying to gain anything from this, If Wilson does man up and we have a boxing match, I will donate half of all proceeds to a local childrens charity and the other half Wilson can do what he wants with. He can donate to his favorite charity if he wants( The Tool Academy).

If you’re wondering how all this started — and I know you are — this eager young man is an A’s fan, and he asked Wilson to autograph a broom following an Oakland sweep of Wilson’s Giants. According to A’s fan’s version of events, Wilson took umbrage at such a request and challenged said A’s fan to a fight on the field. At this point, please keep in mind that, a, his account might not be true and, b, even if true Wilson — no stranger to whimsy, hijinks and frolicsome madcappery — might well have been kidding.

Still, a couple of things … First, if you’re hoping to keel-haul a member of the defending champs, then perhaps you should target Pat Burrell, who, if given an easily recalled safe word, seems likely to be up for some ritualized abuse at the hands of a complete stranger. Second, if fighting ballplayers is suddenly a thing, then I get dibs on Eddie Gaedel.

At the end of the day, though, if professional athletes won’t agree to show up at a darkened boxing gym and brawl with randomly aggrieved fans they neither know nor remember, then I’m not sure why John Wayne wrote the Constitution in the first place.

(Curtsy: ‘Duk)

Watch, friends, and learn. And wonder, as I do, what’s in store for Vernon Wells when he returns to Toronto …

He’s good. Persistent, yet polite. He even asked Mora, “Do you prefer Melvin?” That’s how we roll up in Canada.

The props certainly help, too. A picture of Eva Longoria for Evan Longoria to sign? Our heckler, one Marc Richler, is certainly cultured. A harmonica? Only the terrorists hate music. And while not a prop, Mr. Richler’s got the voice. The “I know you hear me!” taunt, while not groundbreaking by any means, is a personal favourite; simple yet always effective. Extra points, as well, to Richler for getting those seated near him involved.

An excellent performance, all around. Nine NotGraphs out of 10.

It’s without a trace of chagrin that I reproduce in these pages — despite it having already been produced in everybody else’s pages — Sam Miller’s word cloud experiment from his Angels Blog at the OC Register.

If you’re not familiar with it already, Miller put together word clouds from comment threads at SB Nation blogs Halos Heaven and Bluebird Banter.

Hilarity is the thing that ensued.

A recently re-broadcast episode of This American Life begins with host Ira Glass in conversation with author Neil Chesanow. Chesanow is respsonsible for Please Read This for Me, a self-help book that, as the show’s website explains, “doesn’t just give you general advice. It gives you actual scripts to use in various difficult situations: Pre-written speeches to deliver if you’ve fallen out of love with your boyfriend, say, or if you’ve decided you want to have a baby.”

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