Brian Wilson, the Gauntlet Lies Before You

I make no secret of my admiration for Brian “Sounds Delicious” Wilson and his objectively delightful maniac’s beard. So it concerns me to know that sinister forces are seeking to do him harm. Indeed, if you were about to head over to Network Solutions or — if you are not a gentleman — GoDaddy and lay claim to the hotly sought domain name iwannafightbrianwilson.com, then know that you are sadly tardy in your exploits. It is already claimed, and claimant is not effing around …

So this is a formal invite for Brian Wilson to spar me in a legal boxing match in a boxing gym. Any gym he wants any time he wants. It would be a legal sparring match with full headgear and other safety equipment so there is no risk of him getting “seriously” hurt. There would be a ref, and all amateur boxing rules would apply. So if Brian Wilson is a real “tuff guy” like he tries to promote himself to be, and wants to challenge me to fight in a situation where i would get arrested, then I’m sure he is tuff enough to take on this challenge and get into a ring with me and have a legal boxing match! The ball is in his court now!

And just for those who think Im trying to gain anything from this, If Wilson does man up and we have a boxing match, I will donate half of all proceeds to a local childrens charity and the other half Wilson can do what he wants with. He can donate to his favorite charity if he wants( The Tool Academy).

If you’re wondering how all this started — and I know you are — this eager young man is an A’s fan, and he asked Wilson to autograph a broom following an Oakland sweep of Wilson’s Giants. According to A’s fan’s version of events, Wilson took umbrage at such a request and challenged said A’s fan to a fight on the field. At this point, please keep in mind that, a, his account might not be true and, b, even if true Wilson — no stranger to whimsy, hijinks and frolicsome madcappery — might well have been kidding.

Still, a couple of things … First, if you’re hoping to keel-haul a member of the defending champs, then perhaps you should target Pat Burrell, who, if given an easily recalled safe word, seems likely to be up for some ritualized abuse at the hands of a complete stranger. Second, if fighting ballplayers is suddenly a thing, then I get dibs on Eddie Gaedel.

At the end of the day, though, if professional athletes won’t agree to show up at a darkened boxing gym and brawl with randomly aggrieved fans they neither know nor remember, then I’m not sure why John Wayne wrote the Constitution in the first place.

(Curtsy: ‘Duk)