“Who’s On First,” 2013 Edition by Jeremy Blachman June 18, 2013 [scrippet] ABBOTT Hey, Costello, stop texting for a minute and listen. I’m going to New York with you. You know Terry Collins, the Mets manager for about another week or so, he gave me a job as social media coordinator for the team. COSTELLO I’m not texting, I’m tweeting. So if anyone should be the social media coordinator, it should probably be me. But, in any case, if you’re the social media coordinator, surely you must know all the players. ABBOTT I certainly do. Let’s see, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third is… I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal. COSTELLO Why would I care about your Wifi signal? I want to know the guy’s names. ABBOTT Exactly. Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third… I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal. COSTELLO Are you the social media coordinator? ABBOTT Yes. COSTELLO So you know the fellows’ names? ABBOTT I do. COSTELLO Well then who’s on first? ABBOTT Yes. COSTELLO I mean the fellow’s name. ABBOTT Who. COSTELLO OK, I’m just going to look this up on FanGraphs. Let me load the page… crap, I don’t have a good wifi signal. ABBOTT Third base. COSTELLO What? ABBOTT No, he’s on second. COSTELLO Who’s on second? ABBOTT Who is on first! COSTELLO I’m asking YOU who’s on first. I would ask the Internet, but I don’t have a good wifi signal. ABBOTT Third base! COSTELLO What? ABBOTT Second base! COSTELLO Who? ABBOTT Who is on first! COSTELLO That’s what I just typed into Google, but it won’t load because I don’t have a good wifi signal. ABBOTT Third base! COSTELLO Stop saying that. ABBOTT I’m telling you, the guy on third base. I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal. COSTELLO Why do you care about the wifi signal? You’re not even using your phone. ABBOTT That’s the left fielder. COSTELLO Who’s the left fielder? ABBOTT No, Who’s on first. COSTELLO What? ABBOTT He’s on second. COSTELLO I wish I could just check this online, but I don’t have a good wifi signal. ABBOTT Third base! COSTELLO Let’s try this a different way. If I showed you a picture of the team, and I pointed to the pitcher… ABBOTT Instagram. COSTELLO Oh, I don’t know– what’s the difference? Instagram, Pinterest– ABBOTT The catcher. COSTELLO What? ABBOTT Second base. COSTELLO No, who’s the pitcher? ABBOTT No, who is on first. The pitcher? Instagram. COSTELLO Fine, there’s a picture of the pitcher on the Internet. Thrilling. I would tell you to show me, but I don’t have a good wifi signal. ABBOTT Third base! COSTELLO I’m going to shoot you in the goddamned face. ABBOTT Oh, no, that’s the general manager. [/scrippet] (Thanks to this actual transcript of the real thing.)