“Who’s On First,” 2013 Edition

[scrippet]
ABBOTT
Hey, Costello, stop texting for a minute and listen. I’m going to New York with you. You know Terry Collins, the Mets manager for about another week or so, he gave me a job as social media coordinator for the team.

COSTELLO
I’m not texting, I’m tweeting. So if anyone should be the social media coordinator, it should probably be me. But, in any case, if you’re the social media coordinator, surely you must know all the players.

ABBOTT
I certainly do. Let’s see, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third is… I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO
Why would I care about your Wifi signal? I want to know the guy’s names.

ABBOTT
Exactly. Who’s on first, What’s on second, and on third… I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO
Are you the social media coordinator?

ABBOTT
Yes.

COSTELLO
So you know the fellows’ names?

ABBOTT
I do.

COSTELLO
Well then who’s on first?

ABBOTT
Yes.

COSTELLO
I mean the fellow’s name.

ABBOTT
Who.

COSTELLO
OK, I’m just going to look this up on FanGraphs. Let me load the page… crap, I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT
Third base.

COSTELLO
What?

ABBOTT
No, he’s on second.

COSTELLO
Who’s on second?

ABBOTT
Who is on first!

COSTELLO
I’m asking YOU who’s on first. I would ask the Internet, but I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT
Third base!

COSTELLO
What?

ABBOTT
Second base!

COSTELLO
Who?

ABBOTT
Who is on first!

COSTELLO
That’s what I just typed into Google, but it won’t load because I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT
Third base!

COSTELLO
Stop saying that.

ABBOTT
I’m telling you, the guy on third base. I Don’t Have A Good Wifi Signal.

COSTELLO
Why do you care about the wifi signal? You’re not even using your phone.

ABBOTT
That’s the left fielder.

COSTELLO
Who’s the left fielder?

ABBOTT
No, Who’s on first.

COSTELLO
What?

ABBOTT
He’s on second.

COSTELLO
I wish I could just check this online, but I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT
Third base!

COSTELLO
Let’s try this a different way. If I showed you a picture of the team, and I pointed to the pitcher…

ABBOTT
Instagram.

COSTELLO
Oh, I don’t know– what’s the difference? Instagram, Pinterest–

ABBOTT
The catcher.

COSTELLO
What?

ABBOTT
Second base.

COSTELLO
No, who’s the pitcher?

ABBOTT
No, who is on first. The pitcher? Instagram.

COSTELLO
Fine, there’s a picture of the pitcher on the Internet. Thrilling. I would tell you to show me, but I don’t have a good wifi signal.

ABBOTT
Third base!

COSTELLO
I’m going to shoot you in the goddamned face.

ABBOTT
Oh, no, that’s the general manager.
[/scrippet]

(Thanks to this actual transcript of the real thing.)

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Tim
Guest
Tim

Excellent.