Russell Martin: The Man in Half an Iron Mask, Approximately

Psycho Killer, Eustache Dauger?

For no little time now, swift-footed Rumor has maintained that Russell Martin, in addition to serving as a talented major-league catcher for nearly a decade, is also the illegitimate brother of late (predominantly 17th century) French king, Louis XIV. Indeed, photographic evidence from tonight’s Pirates-Reds game suggests that — if not the Man in the Iron Mask, per se — that Martin is at least a man in half an iron mask. And also he speaks French, is even further evidence of how he’s probably the legendary character portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio in that one movie from that one time.