The Commissioner’s Mariano Rivera Achievement in Mariano Rivera Award

BOSTON — Before tonight’s game, MLB’s all-time saves leader, inventor of the game of baseball, and best human being ever will receive the Commissioner’s Mariano Rivera Achievement in Mariano Rivera Award, awarded to the best Mariano Rivera whenever he is best exemplifying what Mariano Rivera is and does.

The award, which consists of an unlimited number of future awards, is being awarded to Rivera for the ten thousandth time since it was created last week, and will be awarded fifty gazillion more times, only to Rivera, until the world runs out of awards. Then maybe it will be awarded posthumously to Jackie Robinson, because he’s pretty awesome too. And maybe we can find some time to give Babe Ruth some version of the award, although maybe not, because even though Babe Ruth was pretty cool, he was nothing like Mariano Rivera, and didn’t act Rivera-like enough to even be on the ballot, a ballot that consists of Mariano Rivera’s name written a thousand times, on a piece of parchment made from Rivera’s skin and scripted in Rivera’s blood, and containing the secret DNA that makes Rivera who and what he is. This ballot will, when science allows, be used to create Mariano Rivera clones who can continue to accumulate saves (and awards) in Rivera’s name, although they will never live up to the magnificence of the original, and when did this post become so strange and creepy?

Incoming baseball commissioner Mariano Rivera will present the award to himself, in front of an audience of adoring acolytes who have come under his mysterious, magical spell.

Meanwhile, Jeff Reardon is super-confused why there was no similar outpouring of affection for him during the 1992 offseason, when he was (very temporarily) the all-time saves leader. Poor Jeff. (He didn’t even win the Commissioner’s Jeff Reardon Achievement in Jeff Reardon Award, which went to Bruce Sutter.)

reardon Sutter

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Ignacio cifuentes

Is as awesome as the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence