Ten Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Jose Abreu

JAbreu

In a recent summer stock production, he starred as North America.

He once offered to un-lean the Tower of Pisa. (Italy refused the offer.)

Along with various dams, highways and cities, he is one of the few manmade objects visible from space, unless he is in the restroom.

He once won a Havana competitive eating contest by downing 52,673 of Fidel Castro’s lightly seasoned ear hairs.

During the recent NATO summit, he achieved nation status.

He once quelled civil unrest by stepping outside to get the morning paper.

He appeared as Calabasas Grande in Jorge A. Romero’s 2010 horror classic, Pesadilla en la Calle de Verduras, or “Nightmare on Vegetable Street.”

He once launched a communications satellite with one swing of the bat. Also, he once missed a separate satellite with three swings of the bat.

On the third Wednesday of every month, a team of window washers from the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) scrubs behind his ears. He likes it.

He once was mistaken for Adam Dunn, by a person who isn’t very smart. He was also once mistaken for Alexei Ramirez, by a person who isn’t very smarter.

*Bonus thing you probably didn’t know: He has never gone berry-picking with me.

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John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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Chaco Chicken
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Chaco Chicken

I feel like Jose would make time for some berries.