Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Art Vandelay
10 years ago

Easy, just buy a regular size mitt and give it to my roommate to launder, it’ll shrink to the perfect size.

1
MustBunique
10 years ago
Reply to  Art Vandelay

Well then he can just give it back to you, your big head will stretch it out again.

3
Art Vandelay
10 years ago
Reply to  MustBunique

well played

1
MustBeUnique
10 years ago
Reply to  Art Vandelay

The best baseball bat to club baby seals is the one that is capable of clubbing baby seals at the highest rate while remaining durable enough to last the trip to China so that one can trade opium and sealskin for Chinaware since one generally doesn’t want to trade away one’s silver and ginseng isn’t as feasible; also, the bat can be used as a club to the Chinese governors in case bribes of opium are not enough and also, the bat can be used to club trade away since aluminum baseball bats will not be invented for many a century and so the present market value at the time will ostensibly be much higher in standardized purchasing power in order to warrant parting ways with such a majestic tool that has been and will continue to be used by players such as Justin Smoak and Donavan Solano to crush baseballs in batting practice although not in games since they players generally suck at crushing baseballs when the ball is thrown by a professional-level pitcher who is purposely trying to get them out.

1