Planet Hoagie, Around Which All of Giancarlo Stanton’s Home Runs Are Put Into Orbit, Ya See

Almost every day during the last three baseball seasons, I have been doing something that no other baseball fan does: I have been checking the box scores of Miami Marlins games.

I have been checking said scores with bated breath, even, hoping to see one thing: a Giancarlo Stanton home run.

The headlines for the highlight videos of Stanton’s dongs are seldom without descriptors such as “mammoth”, “moon shot”, “upper decker”, or “long potato.” Well, last night, Stanton outdid himself at Citizens Bank Park, placing one into orbit around a delicious planetoid, thereby delighting a powerful entertainment god and gaining for himself a third and gaudy monicker.

Suckle your eye-lips on this teat-treat:

Rudeeeeeeeeeeee!

Absurdism is best served GIF!