People in this world will argue that American singer-songwriter Mary J. Blige never attended the prom with the World Series trophy. They’ll suggest that while, yes, Blige did recently pose with said trophy ahead of performing the national anthem before Wednesday’s Game One, that she never put on her favorite purple top and got balls-to-the-wall pretty after consenting to attend her real high-school prom with an inanimate object as a 42-year-old woman for some reason.

One has no time for these agnostic sorts, however. As has been constantly borne out by events both current and historical, this is the best of all possible worlds. In the best of all possible worlds, Mary J. Blige has attended — has enjoyed attending — her prom with the World Series trophy as a strong, beautiful 42-year-old woman, amen.

This headline from the Dayton Daily News (“‘For Sale’ sign on [Brandon] Phillips’ neck”) made me think I was about to read a piece about Brandon Phillips and a very strange neck tattoo. As it turns out, it is merely an awkward headline about the Reds looking to trade Phillips and not a new addition to the bizarre and disturbing neck tattoo trend. (Is it a trend? Or have I only noticed neck tattoos recently? And why in the world would anyone ever want to get a tattoo on his neck? I mean, I don’t understand why anyone would want to get a tattoo anywhere, but on your NECK?)

This leads me to a neck tattoo quiz. Can you name the following players AND identify what the heck is pictured on their necks?

Read the rest of this entry »

Prepare your eye units for the majesty machine.

It’s hard to focus on this card without tears blurring eyes in grateful joy and supplication, but the NotGraphs GIF Inspection Team did manage to establish the following data points:

• 5 mustaches
• 0 glasses
• ~80% Topps, ~18% Donruss, ~2% other
• 0 Mariners and 0 Devil Rays — presumably because both sets of pitchers spend/spent equal time turning and watching as pitching
• 0 Rays and 0 Nationals — as we might expect from a piece of classical Art
• 0 Red Sox and 0 Cardinals — presumably because they are preparing for the worst World Series ever (for Rays-Cubs fans, such as your humble reporter)

Many blessings on Matt Pfeffer for distributing this unsourced GIF to us!

Shut up. Please shut up.
I’m begging you. Shut the fuck
up for one second.

This has been a NotGraphs Haiku, written mostly out of frustration, because the commentary during the postseason makes the games borderline unwatchable.

High five to Internet scholar @cjzero for the GIF.

“This isn’t just about flying another pennant in their stadium – their fourth in 10 years – or having the opportunity to win their 12^th World Series championship.

It’s about the responsibility of upholding tradition.

It’s for old-time baseball.

They want to show this generation, that yes, it’s still hip to be square.

‘This is St. Louis, we have values here,’ said Brian Schwarze, 32. ‘My grandfather used to always tell me, ‘This is a gentleman’s game. You play the game right.”

‘If he were alive watching what LA did, he’d be shaking his head.’

Schwarze just so happens to be the grandson of Stan Musial.”

-Bob Nightengale, earlier today, USA Today

Hi, I’m Satchel Paige (Ed. note: No, you aren’t. Shut up, Bates.). You might remember me from such “Mickey Mouse” antics as trash talking opposing batters, and walking the bases loaded, then telling all my fielders to sit down while I struck out the side. (Also, I don’t care who you are, Mickey Mouse is still funny.) (Ed. note: True.)

I was born 14ish years before Stan Musial, and began playing professional ball in 1926, when Stan the Man was just six years old, and played the next 32 years before I took a break. What’s more, I played opposite Musial from 1951-1953 as a member of the St. Louis Browns when I was in my mid-40s. Stan was a great player, and a wonderful guy, but I was probably pretty much the greatest pitcher who ever lived. (Ed. note: Where are you going with this?)

Read the rest of this entry »

With the 2013 MLB season coming to a close in the next couple of weeks, and since the remaining postseason games will feature match-ups in which I am more rooting against a team than rooting for any team, I figured now’s a good time to give my Year Rear End Review…

My mother started taking me to games at Milwaukee County Stadium when I was about six years old. We had a Brewers Game Gear Bag™ that we’d bring to every game. The staples:

• peanuts (salted, w/ shell)
• Twizzlers
• bottles of iced tea and/or water
• Milwaukee Brewers seat cushions
• my baseball glove
• AM/FM transistor headphones (for listening to Bob Uecker)
• binoculars

We brought binoculars because we normally had pretty bad seats: in the bleachers or at the far ends of the upper deck. Or at least, for many years, that’s why I thought we brought them. It wasn’t until I was ten years old or so– after we had been to a few games with much better seats to which my mother also brought the binoculars — that I realized she was brought them to look at Paul Molitor’s butt.

“There will never be another butt like Moli’s.” -Ma Baumann

Read the rest of this entry »

The neighborhood play has received some attention as of late. But if you look at that neighborhood … kinda boring right? Let’s spice it up by inserting famous neighborhoods into said neighborhood play. Read the rest of this entry »

With only four teams still playing baseball, interest in the 2013 season has no doubt mostly dissipated. Hence, the time seems right to begin transitioning to our cricket coverage here at NotGraphs. Because this is a new feature this year, and because most Americans are too boorish to have taken any interest in the sport before now, I’ll begin by familiarizing you with a few key cricketing concepts. For reference, we’ll use a contemporary account of an actual cricket “match”: namely, an account from just yesterday, entitled “Kohli stars, India pull off record chase.” Feel free to pull up the article and follow along to the best of your abilities, though your abilities as Americans are likely minimal.

Read the rest of this entry »

On Tuesday I asked you to either 1) Vote for one of the saucy ripostes I came up with in, like, 45 seconds while watching The Walking Dead, or 2) Craft your own saucy riposte. These ripostes (riposte! riposte! riposte! How many times can I write riposte!?) riposted a verbal thrust from Carlos Beltran, which insinuated that Yasiel Puig was both ignorant of the implications of his own actions and geographically misaligned in the head. Presto [note: altered from original quotation]:

“As a player, I just think you don’t know how to act… That’s what I think. You really don’t know. You must think that you’re still playing somewhere else.”

Of the options I gave, the following riposte received the most votes:

“Indeed, I think I must be playing at home on my Xbox, given the ease with which I’ve defeated you.”

Of the options presented by voters in the “Other” box, there were many! It appears many readers never developed the verbal jousting acumen I expected from noble NotGraphs readers, given the number of responses invoking Carlos Beltran’s mother in some capacity. Ta-da:

“I was playing at yo mama’s house last night”

“Your mother”

“That’s right I’m playing somewhere else, your momma’s butt is where I’m playing.”

Perhaps, given the stereotypes surrounding those interested in in-depth statistical analysis, I should have realized that nerds probably never figured out how to make comebacks more poignant than referencing the offender’s mother’s anus. This is not to say that I wasn’t thoroughly tickled by these ripostes! Also, I love you, nerds. Other themes included fecal matter:

“You are poop.”
Read the rest of this entry »

William Howard Taft, the first U.S. President to throw out a ceremonial first pitch, is back in the news this week.

William Howard Taft, the only massively obese man ever to be president of the United States, struggled mightily to control his weight a century ago… Taft was to eat a small portion of lean meat or fish at every meal, cooked vegetables at lunch and dinner (no butter), a plain salad, and stewed or baked fruit (unsweetened). He got a single glass of “unsweetened” wine at lunch. The doctor also allowed his own diet product, gluten biscuits, that were produced to his specifications in London. Taft bought them and had them shipped to the United States.
— The New York Times

So, given those restrictions, what might he have eaten at the ballpark?

…
…
…

Perhaps a build-your-own salad at Coors Field.

Wild pacific salmon at PNC.

Or a delicious batting glove.

Poor President Taft.