The following tweet, which concerns the real and not fake contract demands of recently acquired Cubs catcher George Kottaras, is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):
The reason for the season, is pleasin’. Dayn Perry, so happens, wrote the book on holiday pleasin’. His body of work at NotGraphs — including his essential listening podcast appearances with Carson Cistulli — is a secret code for the ultimate holiday gift guide. Allow me to decode.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a good man. I am scarcely a man at all. The only time I demonstrate the steadfastness typically associated with archetypal man is when my full complement of vices is challenged by those circumstantially invested in my survival and or continued employment. That is to say, if you’re looking for a man, then cast thine eyes elsewhere. No, not upon Cistulli and his wrists of cooked pasta.
With all that said, foulest poo — thanks to its grim baseline — can easily be improved upon, and in keeping with this general principle it is worth noting that a ringtone has demonstrably made me a better man. You see, I was weary of the old default-settings ringtone of my Battery-Powered Mobile Business Handheld Cellular Telephone, much as I am weary of my dumb face and essence. The ringtone, though, I could do something about.
Thanks to an app called Ringdroid, which is possibly favored by pregnant teens and their baggy pants and rap-hop music and krokodil habits, I was able to make a ringtone out of any old audio file. As for the interface, even a moaning dolt with hot dog fingers can use it.
For the sound in question that is now my Business Ringtone I chose this, which is a series of professional utterances first celebrated on the august pages of Eye On Baseball …
You may not call me, but if you ever did, then this is what I would hear. And I am the better for it. Barely.
Sharing space with the lawyers, doctors, and management consultants with quirky artisanal side businesses in this weekend’s New York Times weddings section was Shelby Miller, who married his biggest cheerleader. An actual former cheerleader for the Springfield Cardinals. I skim the weddings section each weekend (seriously) and am always excited when I can send my wife the link to a baseball-related article that she might actually read.
Highlight:
When she wants company for a pedicure or a tanning session, he joins her. “When Amy wants me to be a girlie guy,” he said, “I’m willing to do that for her. It’s fun.”
Surely no one in the locker room will be making fun of him for this. Surely.
Even to this day, experts are uncertain about Derrick Turnbow’s authenticity.
The offseason is an exciting time for general managers. It represents an opportunity to prune a roster which has perhaps become untidy and/or acquire new talent in hopes of winning that next (or first!) championship.
With baseball’s winter meetings nearly upon us, the marketplace for free-agent talent is likely to reach frenzied heights. And while it’s sure to facilitate optimism among all parties involved, it also creates opportunities for fraudulent activity.
Yes, I’m talking about counterfeit major leaguers.
The present author, for the first time in his already forgotten life, has recently begun reading the work of very dead author Arthur Conan Doyle. Doyle, as anyone who attended an important college will know, is responsible for the creation of fictional menace to the criminal classes, Sherlock Holmes.
Beyond the pleasure attendant to the stories found in Doyle’s collection The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, the author’s presiding emotion whilst reading Doyle’s work has been one of Unfettered Indignation. “Why has no one demanded I read this before?” the author has possibly been heard shouting. “What strange grudge does the world bear against me?” he’s also maybe ejaculated after three or seven drinks.
Apart from those theatrics, what Doyle’s stories have revealed is a mind (in Holmes) sensitive to those concepts which today inform the principles central to the thing called sabermetrics.
2002: Theo Epstein works for the San Diego Padres; Kottaras is selected in the 2002 draft by the Padres.
2006: Theo Epstein, GM of the Red Sox, trades for George Kottaras.
2013: Theo Epstein, President of the Cubs, trades for George Kottaras.
Bad photoshop below.
If the Dayn Perry Hello seems aggressive, you have not yet traveled to the shallowest depths of Mississippi.
The Dayn Perry Hello is suitable for foes, lovers, former foes, future lovers, dignitaries, holy men, street merchants, plumbers, members of the Illuminati, and former NFL coaches — as well as any manner of post-coital handshake and/or corporate takeover.
The Dayn Perry Hello should not be confused with the Dayn Perry Goodbye, which is the last thing you hear before you die — destined to be an earwig of your soul for all eternity.
Side affects of the Dayn Perry Hello include immaculate conception, Grapenuts™ nuts, heart-prostate role-reversal, puffy nipples, sudden-onset luminescence, drowsiness, and sugar shits. It is highly recommended that users operate heavy machinery after experiencing the Dayn Perry Hello.
Scientists are in the final stages of testing the Dayn Perry Hello as an alternative fuel source. Results, so far, have been positive. The Dayn Perry Hello can be used as a garnish for a nice steak dinner.
Many of you may be seeing loved ones this holiday. May I recommend the Dayn Perry Hello when you first encounter them? For the Dayn Perry Hello answers all the traditional catching-up-small-talk questions in one fail swoop, leaving you and your loved ones to enjoy a nice meal in utter, awkward silence.
Yesterday, font of journalistic integrity and “horrifying diarrhea sludge” Deadspin announced they had purchased a Hall of Fame vote from a BBWAA member/bribed that member to vote the way the site’s readers would like him or her to.
“Fun,” a lot of people seemed to think. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
You mean aside from the creeping stench of outright corruption in the voting process and of one of the few places left that was doing quality investigative sports journalism? Ok, I suppose that’s not enough for some people.
Well, I imagine nobody thought this through very hard. There are ramifications and repercussions coming, people, possibly including but not limited to:
