I remain horrified by the ongoing ravages of unchecked democracy today, as I peruse the latest results of MLB’s profoundly stupid Face of MLB Twitter contest. Not only has Arizona turned out in overwhelming numbers to allow Paul Goldschmidt to roundly trounce Mike Trout, but now he’s got a good lead on Joey Votto.

While the Goldschmidt campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train (even as he may be contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable), and may very well be primed to go all the way to the end, there are several faces that the voters, in their infinite wisdom don’t even get to consider. All of them would be far better choices than anyone still alive in the tournament (Eric Sogard? Puh-lease!)

Here now is where I turn the choosing of the alternative face of Major League Baseball over to you, the people, so you can demonstrate what a terrible decision I have made and provide more evidence as to why democracy debases us all and brings even the greatest man low.

Read the rest of this entry »

It isn’t often that a big-league baseball player issues a statement of support on behalf of a fringe social movement, but that’s just what Johnny Peralta has done, perhaps unwittingly, with his recent and dare I say ballsy declaration that “I know I can play baseball naturally.”

As a volunteer moderator for several nudist websites – the fact of the matter is that except for the Cheetos crumbs and the Pepsi pop-tops, I’m completely nude right now – I can tell you that the naturist community is positively abuzz over Peralta’s announcement. (The naturist community is also kind of cold because, you know . . . winter.) At the naturist think tank Nudity Now! And Later!, associate fellow Louis “Swing Low” Johnson has penned a poetic paraphrase of Walt Whitman’s A Sun-Bath – Nakedness:

Never before did I get so close to Nature;
Never before did she come so close to me…
Except at the Rogers Center, obviously.

Read the rest of this entry »

The author has always assumed that Seth Meyers, long-time member of Saturday Night Live and matriculating host of NBC’s Late Night program, was someone who possessed sense. Because he (i.e. Meyers) is from New Hampshire, perhaps is why. Or perhaps because he attended, if not an important university, then at least a nearly important one.

So far as indicators of good sense are concerned, however, there are few more telling ones than a deep and abiding affection for 1986 NES game RBI Baseball by Tengen*. If the promotional video embedded here is full of truth and not lies, then it would appear as though Seth Meyers possesses such a love inside his body — as does Michael Schur (né Ken Tremendous), against whom Meyers claims to have competed regularly while the two were colleagues at SNL).

The relevant passage begins at 0:33.

*Which game was apparently known as Pro Yakyuu Family Stadium in Japan, the internet announces.

A few weeks ago I had you vote for a pseudometric I should create. It’s purpose would be to measure something purposeless. You, the doe-eyed reader, eagerly clicked your favorite meaningless metrics into existence, creating a three-way tie between MOIST, xBEPHYRGROTHHx and 2COOL. Last week I presented MOIST and this week I present xBEPHYRGROTHHx. I must warn you, gentle reader, that this gets weird. But you could have guessed that, since the initial idea for xBEPHYRGROTHHx is as follows:

Answers the question, “Which Major Leaguers would make a pleasing sacrifice to the Demon Lord xBEPHYRGROTHHx?” Players are credited for their potential to scream, writhe, and beg while chained to the Sacrificial Dais of OOberDROOOG, as well as for the volume, viscosity and arterial spurtability of the ballplayer’s blood.

If that’s what you’re into!!! BECAUSE I AM.
Read the rest of this entry »

It is noteworthy that the sulfonamids, penicillin, came in about simultaneously with Ted Williams, Ralph Kiner and the rubber ball. We want home runs, antibiotics to “cure” man with a single shot in the buttocks.

– William Carlos Williams, “Autobiography”

As both William Randolph Hearst and, more recently, Rupert Murdoch have demonstrated unequivocally, there are absolutely no moral consequences — neither on a personal nor more public scale — to appealing constantly to the desires of the masses.

That being the case — and as a response to interest in the left-hander by Houston supporters this offseason (whose club possesses the first-overall pick in the 2014 draft) — the author has embedded here what appears to be the most recent extant footage of NC State pitcher Carlos Rodon. Rodon, in this case, appears to be protecting both (a) American freedom and also (b) a first-inning tie this past July against the Cuban national team — striking out (on a slider that’s been documented previously in these pages here and here and also here) an unidentified opponent en route to 6.2 scoreless innings.

Sorry, I guess it’s Globe Life, not Glob Life. In either case, we here sitting in front of my computer writing this NotGraphs post do not find this name appealing in any way at all. Apparently the previous sponsor of the Rangers’ ballpark was Ameriquest (although we here in front of my computer do not remember ever knowing this), until Ameriquest, “a major subprime lender… fired thousands of employees and paid $325 million in settlements over claims of deceptive lending practices.” That certainly bodes well for you, Glob Life.

The Dallas Morning News, desperately seeking some sparkly modern interactive content for its website, is running a poll asking its readers whether they like the name Globe Life Park in Arlington. As of this writing, 87.07% say no, and 12.93% say yes. It is unclear to 100% of the people writing this post who the 12.93% are who (a) like the name Globe Life Park in Arlington, and (b) are so enthusiastic about it that they decided to click yes on this poll on the Dallas Morning News website.

I was hoping one of these voters would leave a comment, but, alas, I don’t see a place for comments underneath the poll. Instead, I’ve decided to make one up. Here are a few imaginary voters, explaining their imaginary yes votes.

I’m actually a customer of Globe Life Insurance, and I like to be reminded that my family is protected in the event of my death every time I go see a Rangers game.

I’ve actually been thinking about buying life insurance, ever since we went out to a bar with Tanner Scheppers and got sucker-punched. I didn’t know where to turn. Now I know.

I’m always looking for my new insurance company on a sign at the baseball games I attend. Thanks, Globe Life– you have a new customer.

Globe Life Park is the perfect name for the stadium of my favorite team, the Globe Trotters.

Perfect name. Ever since my house was foreclosed upon by Ameriquest, I have been living on the street — or, as one might say, on the globe. So Globe Life describes my situation perfectly.

I like the name — just not sure which globe they’re referring to.

Good news! MLB owners, umpires and the MLBPA have issued their formal approval of what you, the discriminating fan, have approved all along.

That’s right: They approve Instant Replay.

Read the rest of this entry »

In this site’s day-old tradition of slightly modifying and re-packaging headlines from FanGraphs.com, the author presents the following and hastily made slideshow, which serves as a definitely unnecessary response to Paul Swydan’s recent piece regarding the current state of the Boston Red Sox.

[slideshow_deploy id=’57791′]