When a man has sexual feelings inside of himself, the way he generally wants to express them is by means of rubbing his hands awkwardly all over the object of his affections — a task which, upon completion, he commemorates by means either of a celebratory fist pump or other, similar celebratory gesture.

Photographic evidence from the cover of the Dodgers game-day program suggests that Adrian Gonzalez has completed such a task. For photographic evidence suggests that Adrian Gonzalez, first baseman of your Los Angeles Dodgers, has gotten to second base with the whole desert.

It is a basic property of mathematics, as first described by the three-year-old son of Aristaeus the Elder, Aristaeus the Third*, that a trilogy must contain a third (i.e., 3rd, a.k.a. IIIerd) part lest it be a duology, which is a very rare word that nobody wants to use because it is so easily confused with Diwaligy, which, as you know from watching Season 3 (i.e., Three, a.k.a. Robert Griffin) of The Office, is the study of the Hindu Festival of Lights, signifying the victory of light over darkness, hope over despair and the number 3 over the number 2 in a battle of which is more.

*Only later did Aristaeus the Elder, a.k.a. “Pops,” realize that his son should’ve been named Aristaeus the Younger, or “Corky.”

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There comes a time in every famous Internet writer’s life when he/she needs to purchase a new laptop. When said writer purchases said laptop, he/she may be inclined to also purchase some sort of protective cover for this laptop, which creates a situation in which this writer needs to make a life decision in regards to the design of this protective cover — as it will no doubt influence the narrative strangers in coffee shops and airports will create surrounding this writer.

This very exact situation has happened to myself. My father has a long-standing maxim — “When you reach a fork in the road, take it.” If the above-mentioned situation is a fork in a road, I have indeed taken it. This is all to say, I’ve recently made a life decision.

It is a characteristic of NotGraphs that we are uncomfortably aware of other people, largely because we’re horrified whenever we are at all aware of ourselves. As such, I have determined it my duty to be uncomfortably aware of the current frequenters of this laundromat–the one I am literally within as I write this–and rate them for their potential as members of the sabermetrics community.

The methodology is simple: I will sit here in this chair in this laundromat in this squalid New England town and ferociously judge every person doing their laundry for their potential as enthusiasts of statistical analysis in baseball. They will be judged on a scale from TURD to KACHOW! Witness the laundromat in which I sat for two hours, except turn the beautiful fall foliage into barren frost-bitten twigs and turn one of those cars into my derelict Pontiac Sunfire SE:

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It came to my attention, while doing some very important, not-at-all bullshit research, that there was once a baseball player named Tim Spooneybarger. As he was not a baseball player that long ago, I would like to think that I once knew this already, and his existence has been simply washed from my conscience by the cleansing waters of bourbon.

Nevertheless, the fact that Tim Spooneybarger once was and still is a man, and the fact that that once and future man has the name Tim Spooneybarger, makes him a prime candidate for our Men Surrounded by Things series.

The New York Times had a piece earlier in the week, titled “Little Choice but to Hope Tejada Can Handle Job,” featuring quite possibly the least-supportive selection of quotes I’ve ever seen about a player.

“At this moment, Ruben Tejada is the shortstop here.”

“We don’t have a lot of options. He’s our main guy right now.”

“We just need him to get on base and turn the lineup over…. That’s all we need him to do. He’s definitely capable of it. He’s probably capable of more than that. But that’s what we need him to do.”

I assume the Mets have tried and failed to trade Tejada, because certainly no team would be interested if this is how his own team talks about him. What confuses me is why Terry Collins and Dave Hudgens feel like it makes sense to go on record about how disenchanted they are with a player who is still on the team, and who they still need to perform. I felt bad for Ruben Tejada after reading this article, even if he is as lazy as the piece makes him sound. Who wants to be publicly insulted by his boss? Professional athletes may make a ton of money, but they also suffer a lot of public shame and ridicule… though usually it comes from fans and commentators, not their own employers!

There is something a little puzzling about the Mets’ front office if they would rather stick with a player they think is the worst than be able to find some sort of acceptable replacement for him. Surely there is a shortstop available somewhere, anywhere, that would be preferable to them, based on this article.

A recent and actual baseball headline:

“Adam,” said Colette. “What ever is the matter? You are more distant and brooding than even your usual distant, brooding self.”

Adam Dunn stooped to extinguish his cigarette in an exquisite coil of hound poo. Ce que je viens de faire est le seul art dans le monde, he thought to himself. “Colette,” he said. “The boulevards at once console and mock me.”

“I have a searing love for you,” she said.

“Meaningless,” said Adam Dunn. “Let us make love for no other reason than force of ritual.”

(Curtsy: @LukeHoekstra, for bringing the abovely linked dispatch to the author’s attention)

SURPRISE, ARIZ. — Inspired by former teammate Ian Kinsler’s recent characterization of Rangers GM Jon Daniels, Texas ace and serial accumulator of super-awesome pitches Yu Darvish has added what he is calling the “sleazeball” to his already impressive arsenal.

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Also, the Yankees have a really old team.