The convention floor, still covered by confetti, spilled cocaine and unmentionable fluids, is closed for business. And so with names placed into nomination and the list of nominees trimmed according to the whims of those in awful power, it’s time to vote.

At stake are stakes, and those stakes are the right to call oneself “Good, Round Friend.” Now, for the unassailable process that is Internet polling …

Thanks for voting! Now please enjoy some illegal drugs.

In celebration of both the World Series and video games, I will be playing at least four and, if, necessary, five, six, or seven games of the World Series on various excellent Major League Baseball video games. We’ll start it out with an old standby: Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for the Super Nintendo.

Remember kids, illegal emulation is wrong, except when it feels oh, so right.

Now, to the game:

As Player One, I decided to choose the lesser of two evils and pick the Texas Rangers. This means I, as the Rangers, am the home team. That’s not how the real World Series will go. Deal with it

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The Internetting Gentleman is surely by now familiar with this Taiwanese video interpretation of the Red Sox’s recent and rib-tickling collapse. And that leads to this, which is a crudely animated rendering of Jon Lester, John Lackey and Josh Beckett in clubhoused repose, eating chicken, drinking beer and playing video games without ceasing as though an imperiled life depended upon their eating chicken, drinking beer and playing video games without ceasing.

Click and then watch closely to see the exact moment that team morale gives up and dies peacefully while surrounded by loves ones …

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Ralph Waldo Emerson loved pretending to read.

As discussed this morning in some detail by Bradley Woodrum and, more generally, by the concerned citizens of the internet, the Red Sox and Cubs are currently engaged in talks over what sort of compensation the former team should receive from the latter for the right to realease from his present contract, and sign, (quasi-) former Boston GM Theo Epstein.

The situation is a complicated one — and when complicated matters arise, the only prudent course of action is to appeal to Important Voices of Yore. We look not for a precise answer to our own particular dilemma — that would be impossible — but at least for foundational ideas on which we can arrive at our own conclusions.

Fortunately, for our purposes, we find among the works of celebrated American thinker Ralph Waldo Emerson an essay actually titled “Compensation”. As a service to the reader, I’ve spent the afternoon in my richly paneled study, drinking deeply both of Emerson’s text and some really expensive scotch that I just drink whenever I want to.

Does Emerson speak directly to the quandary in which the Bostonians and Chicagoans currently find themselves? In a word: no. And in two words: absolutely not. And in three, largely blasphemous, words: Oh God, no.

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We, as discerning fans of our national pastime, are generally left with very few indicators of whether or how major league baseball players are “cultured.” But, because fans cannot survive on wOBA alone, we search for these things in players. The items listed in the title of this post are amongst the cultural indicators we utilize in this search. Often, what we find might disappoint us: Chase Utley is hella handsome . . . except for his oily locks, plastered to his head, causing us to question not only handsomeness, but also his very character.[1] Or, it might corroborate our darkest criticisms: Tony La Russa’s hair has been fried from decades of overly involved managing.

That said, this World Series thing is gonna start happening tomorrow. Two teams who have both been hitting the snot[2] out of the ball this postseason will diamond-off for sundry prizes: a multi-phallic trophy, a pile of cash, and the rights to every Beatles song. I think that’s what’s at stake anyway. But what every discerning fan of baseball really wants to know is, How do the Cardinals and Rangers match up in the ways of cultural swag?

World Series Booty?

Without further ado, let’s examine the first match-up of our World Series Kulturkampf.

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As you might have already realized, we here at NotGraphs are quite fond of Dick Allen. I posit four basic reasons for our endless fascination with Dick:

1. On-field excellence

2. General badassery

3. Tones that are the dulcet-est

4. Connoisseur of mustaches and spectacles

It was with this in mind that I included Dick in my MLB Halloween costume catalog last week. Of course, I never actually expected to see anyone follow through with my suggestions.

And then reader scout1222 offered this brilliant idea:

Please, will some NotGrapher do the Dick Allen idea and submit a photo in the same pose as we see on the literature entries! That would be awesome.

Awesome indeed, scout1222. Which is why I am pleased to announce the NotGraphs Dick Allen Daguerrotype Contest.

Here’s what you need to do to enter:

Step 1: Dress up as Dick Allen

Step 2: Strike your best Dick Allen pose

Step 3: Photograph yourself

Step 4: Send photograph to not+tips (at) fangraphs (dot) com with “Dick Allen Contest” in the subject line

I have no idea what to expect with this, but I can promise that all entries will be featured on NotGraphs, where they will be carefully scrutinized by our panel of expert judges for the overall quality of the costume and the true-to-Dickness of the pose. Daguerrotypes will be accepted until 11:59 PM on Halloween — Monday, October 31st. 

The winner of the contest shall receive the abiding admiration of the NotGraphs staff and, perhaps, a small token of our respect.

Update: The honorable Mr. Dan Szymborski raises an important concern:

Please don’t be racist, people!

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honour, which, as you surely anticipated, is made entirely of fine Corinthian leather …

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford

And the nickname now hanging perilously in the balance? It’s “Good, Round Friend”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Near the end of Arnold Lobel’s “Owl At Home,” a timeless rumination on a sexless and epicene bachelor, the titular character refers to the moon as his “Good, Round Friend.” And so, on this fine day, the NotGraphs collective shall also refer to someone as “Good, Round Friend.” And this someone shall be a ballplayer.

This ballplayer should be rather large in frame and bearing and should also be an amiable and charming hail-fellow-well met. Or, at the least, he should impress you as such within the dreamscape of your fondest imaginings, since you will never meet him and he cares not a whit whether you live or are murdered with a shillelagh. So: portly and awesome. Like Falstaff. Not like a self-important tenor.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Babe Ruth was fat and convivial. So he works. David Wells works, I suppose, particularly since, insofar as the qualities of a “Good, Round Friend” are concerned, a case of the gout is self-recommending. Terry Forster? Ray King? The healthy preponderance of all middle relievers?

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Good, Round Friend”?

The convention floor, which is, appropriately enough, brimming with good, round friends, is open for nominations …

Our All-Ugly team continues, on to the position players (who, by the way, would lose in an ugly battle with the pitchers and coaches). (What’s up with that?) (Any pitchers out there want to stand up for their kind?)

And lest any of you agree with my wife that this is all in poor taste, let me remind you that I a) included myself on the team and b) recognize that all of these men are real-life humans with real feelings and that this is all in good fun. Even Chase Utley has his bad days and all that.

Without further caveats, our All-Ugly lineup:

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As you may have noticed, the World Series will not feature the New York Yankees. This is bad news, of course. If the Yankees make the World Series, then baseball has a competitive-balance problem. If the Yankees don’t make the World Series, however, then television executives will see their expensive and relaxing dinners reduced to being merely expensive and somewhat relaxing. And that’s the worst fate of all.

Also bad for the Republic is that a Yankee-less World Series can move an otherwise temperate and moderating gentleman to film himself screaming while driving down a darkened expressway. If you savor profanity, sound arguments and a buccaneering spirit, then please do enjoy …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQsEQDO0r9Q&NR=1

Baseball, you just lost a fan — a fan who can appreciate fine Corinthian leather.

In the event that you neglected to fetch from the end of your driveway this morning your city’s widely circulated and totally infallible morning daily, please excuse me for informing you right now that the Milwaukee Brewers fell Sunday night to the St. Louis Cardinals in Game Six of the NLCS by a score of 12-6.

Following the elimination of Milwaukee, there was considerable discussion of the team’s defensive weaknesses. Although defense certainly appeared as though it would be an issue for the team entering the season, the Brewers actually finished around league average in terms both of defensive efficiency and UZR. The seven errors committed by Milwaukee between Games Five and Six of the NLCS, however, certainly played a part in the team’s dismissal from the postseason.

Curiously, the most notable defensive shortcoming of the night was the product neither of a misplayed grounder nor poor throw, but rather that most silent destroyer: ennui.

In the top of the third inning — with runners on second and third, two outs, and the Cardinals winning 7-4 — Tony LaRussa made the somewhat unorthodox decision to pinch hit for starting pitcher Edwin Jackson with Allen Craig. Brewer manager Ron Roenicke countered LaRussa by replacing left-hander Chris Narveson with LaTroy Hawkins. Despite falling behind 3-1, Hawkins managed to induce a weak-ish chopper up the middle.

What happened next is captured by the GIF’d footage you see below. Craig’s batted-ball makes its way up the middle and into center field, scoring David Freese and Yadier Molina from third and second base, respectively. While that sequence of events is all-too common, it’s difficult not to observe something curious about the play — namely that, even though the Craig’s grounder clearly makes its way through the infield on the shortstop side of the second-base bag, it’s second baseman Rickie Weeks who comes within, say, three or five feet of playing the ball (and perhaps preventing run No. 2 from scoring). Meanwhile, actual shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt is seen merely trotting towards the middle of the infield.

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