PROS

1. Getting out of our apartment.
2. Getting to go to a baseball game.
3. Having the memory of taking him to a baseball game.
4. Having pictures of the two of us at a baseball game.
5. Posting pictures on Facebook of the two of us at a baseball game.
6. Eating a hot dog.
7. I don’t think he needs his own ticket.
8. Tickets are super-cheap anyway.
9. Getting out of our apartment.
10. Getting to go to a baseball game.

CONS

1. Putting sunscreen on him is kind of annoying.
2. Getting to the game would be sort of a huge ordeal.
3. They do not have pureed hot dogs.
4. He has no idea what a baseball game is.
5. He will need a nap.
6. There is no way I want to change a diaper in a bathroom at a baseball stadium.
7. There is no way he will not need me to change his diaper in the time between leaving our apartment and returning to our apartment.
8. He will need another nap.
9. He will probably not have any interest in the baseball game.
10. He will put his hand in the mustard on my hot dog.
11. He will probably touch something dirty and then put his hand in his mouth.
12. The “something dirty” is probably the hot dog.
13. He will not cheer at the right times.
14. He will be bad at catching foul balls.
15. He will not really know where we are or remember this activity.
16. I will need a nap.
17. I will be risking that he becomes a Mets fan.

Boyd claims to feel on the inside how the peasants in this painting look on the outside.

A local resident is in poor condition today after dreaming last night that, instead of being on the 15-day disabled list, Cincinnati outfielder Jay Bruce actually isn’t on the 15-day disabled list.

“It was disturbingly realistic,” said a visibly shaken Warren Boyd, 34, outside of his suburban condominium on Tuesday morning. “I was walking by a display of televisions — like you might see at a Best Buy, for example. They were tuned to the Reds game, and I clearly saw Jay Bruce coming up to bat. And I was surprised, because he’s on my fantasy team, and I’d just removed him that morning from my active roster.”

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An anagram of NotGraphs is GraphSnot.

According to this helpful chart, based on the color of the FanGraphs background, we need to seek emergency medical attention immediately.

Of course, based on the color specifically of the NotGraphs section, our problem is likely even more serious than that.

I just spent ten minutes attempting to put snot on a graph, but my photoshopping skills are poor, and I could not come up with anything even closed to post-able.

And the standard for post-able-ness is clearly low, since this is a post.

So if someone can put snot on a graph for me, you win the NotGraphs supporting player of the week award.

Other anagrams of NotGraphs include:

Harp Tongs
Rap Thongs
Spa Throng

and the terribly graphic

Shat Prong

Ouch.

So this post could have been a whole lot worse.

(If you google “rap thongs,” you get these. Safe for work. Flip-flops, not underwear.)

(If you google “harp tongs,” you get actual pictures of metal tongs, because that appears to actually be something real.)

Whoever said you can’t waste time on the Internet was wrong.

The Victorino	The Emotional Substance

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Earlier today, in the pages of FanGraphs proper, the author noted that Arizona right-hander Chase Anderson would be making his major-league debut against the Chicago Americans. Later today — which is to also say, now — that same author is noting that Chase Anderson’s major-league debut is complete. One thing Anderson produced was a 6:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio (box). Another thing he produced was the blessed changeup against Adam Dunn reproduced here for the placation of the braying masses.

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Dan of MyKBO reports via Twitter that there were only five bat flips in the Korean baseball league on Friday — which figure appears to represent the low end so far as that particular circuit’s daily total is concerned.

As the star writer here at NotGraphs, I am known for certain things.

Prime among them is my star writing.

To wit: The Big Dipper is big. In addition, it dips.

Also: Orion is very Orion-y. It is more Orion-y than Taurus, that’s for sure. 

Also too: Betelgeuse is really sort of annoying. First of all, it’s way too loud. Like Chris Russo loud. And frankly, I don’t much care for Geena Davis.

Also in addition to too: Beta Virginis, a star in the constellation Virgo, has a surface gravity of 4.25 cgs, “c” being the basic unit of measurement for “carloads” and “gs” for “Garry Shandlings.”

What I am not known for – yet! – is a rigorous devotion to advanced statistics.

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Recently, in these pages — and for reasons that oughtn’t be explored in any depth — the author attempted to construct an objective methodology by which to identify the most transcendent pitch from the previous day. So far as errands are concerned, this particular one was the sort most readily undertaken by a fool.

And yet, because he’s the sort of person who doesn’t learn from, but prefers rather to indulge in, his failures, this same author has returned a week later with a view, once again, to identifying (again, by objective means) the league’s most impressive pitches — in this case, from the past week.

What I won’t discuss here specifically are the shortcomings of that last attmept. Because they’re self-evident, is one reason. And because the thought of doing so bores me to whatever is right after death, is another.

What I will discuss, however, just below, is the criteria I’ve employed for this particular exercise — which exercise is little more than an attempt, really, to reverse engineer the aesthetic tastes a fan might have so far as impressive pitches are concerned.

To accomplish that, what I’ve done is:

1. Identified all pitches from the past week thrown for a swinging third strike*, the logic being that batters tend to be most protective of the strike zone with two strikes and therefore pitchers must demonstrate excellence even harder; and then

2. Calculated and then averaged together the z-scores both for velocity and break length** of all those aforementioned pitches, the logic being that it becomes easier to produce greater break at lower velocities — and that, therefore, pitches which exhibit a relatively high velocity compared to break length are probably more impressive; and then

3. Because the PITCHf/x classifications aren’t always entirely accurate, identified the highest z-score from each general pitch category — so, therefore, the best fastball (including four-seamers, two-seamers, and sinkers), best breaking ball (including sliders and curveballs), and offspeed pitch (including changeups and splitters). The issue of cutters — which sometimes more resemble fastballs and sometimes more resemble sliders — I have ignored completely, hoping it would sort itself out.

*Unless said pitch was thrown to a pitcher who was batting, in which case it was disqualified from consideration in this very important endeavor.

**About which one can read more here.

Fastball
Pitcher: Evan Marshall, RHP, Arizona (Profile)
Batter: Scooter Gennett   Date: Tuesday, May 6th
Velocity: 94.7 mph   Break: 7.8 in.

Footage:

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I have traveled to Iowa City this weekend to check out what will soon be my new home town. I have brought with me my wife and seven-year old son. As a dad, I have a limited repertoire of jokes. Here is what my family has had to endure:

Is this Heaven? No, we’re still in Wisconsin.

Is this Heaven? No, it’s Dubuque, “one of the few large cities in Iowa with hills.”

Is this Heaven? No, Heaven doesn’t have road construction.

Is this Heaven? I imagine Heaven would be more heavily populated.

Is this Heaven? Why would Heaven need this much corn?

Is this Heaven? Given that it’s currently raining water, and not bourbon, I would say no.

Is this Heaven? No, it’s a Buffalo Wild Wings.

Is this Heaven? No, it’s a 7:00 showing of Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Is this Heaven? No, it’s a Sheraton.

Is this Heaven? We are sorry. MLB.TV has determined that you are located inside one of the applicable Club’s home television territories and are therefore blacked out of the Heaven you have selected. Live audio of this Heaven is available as part of your MLB.TV subscription.

This has been “Mike makes you as sick of him as his family is.”

MINNEAPOLIS — The baseball article scheduled for May 8th from author David G Temple is currently on hold, due to an unusually-long brain delay.

The situation was touch and go leading up to posting, but as the deadline approached, it became clear the article would not start on time.

“We were just kind of waiting around, hanging out on the keyboard,” said the author’s fingers. “We really wanted to get out there and start going through our usual motions, but I guess it isn’t going to happen today.”

A high-pressure system of writer’s block along with reports of some light depression to the west sealed the fate of the article long before it began.

The author’s eyes also had a hunch that the article wasn’t going to happen.

“When we saw the PlayStation controller come out, we knew it would be a while until things got started,” the eyes said. “When you see the video game crews, that’s never a good sign.”

Officials hope to be able to schedule two articles for May 9th, if the brain cooperates.

“We hope two squeeze two in tomorrow,” they said. “Hopefully that doesn’t upset the editor too much, but we doubt he pays much attention anyway.”