In this criminally underviewed youtube link, MVP and crazy face Maury Wills is singing “Somebody’s Keeping Score.” You may not know that Wills was an accomplished banjo player. Also, how come teams don’t do albums like this one anymore? Barry Zito, where are you?
Let’s have a toast to one of the least deserving MVPs and most incompetent managers of all time, and to this big pile of sacks.
Albert Pujols was here.
Among the playlists by which MLB.com classifies the videos at their internetting site is one called Must C. It’s in this category that one finds particularly noteworthy (i.e. “must see“) moments captured on film.
As part of the “Must C” conceit, each video is assigned a word that begins with that letter (i.e. C). One can find, for example, among the most recent selections “Must C Championship: Cardinals clinch 11th title” and “Must C Craig: Craig blasts a homer, makes great grab” and “Must C Clutch: Freese ties it with a two-run double”.
As we enter the 2012 season, there will undoubtedly be occasions on which the MLB.com editorial team will be tasked with producing c-words under great pressure. We at NotGraphs humbly submit the following three words, which also happen to be the three c-words most recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
C-Word: Chemtrail
Example: Must C Chemtrail: Pujols launches homer, sprays chemical agent at high altitude as part of secret government program.
C-Word: Chermoula
Example: Must C Chermoula: Pujols shares his favorite Mediterranean dishes.
C-Word: Challan
Example: Must C Challan: Pujols issues an official form or document, such as a receipt, invoice, or summons.
All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.
– Sun Tzu
The nomination process, which is not unlike an Iowa Caucus of undaunted clap sufferers, is complete, and the Committee for Acceptable Outcomes has pared the list down to 10. At stake — at dirty stake — is the nickname, “Science or Bravery?”
As always, if you are not prepared to vote in accordance with the wishes of the Utmost Culminating Exchequer, then please report to the nearest mass grave. Forthwith!
Thank for you exercising the franchise.
There was a fine tradition established in 2011 in which Dick Allen found himself inserted forcefully, but sensually, into various great works of literature spanning many eras and genres. And thereby did we elevate those works to heights of literary genius previously unseen by man’s imperfect eyes.
It is with pride, then, that the Royal We happily carry this tradition on into what is sure to be a most historic new year of inserting Dick Allen’s name into various works representative of the Western Canon, thus adding to those various works the patina of blessedness.
Today, Dick Allen’s name goes to war, inserted into Ernest Hemingway’s In Our Time, and a mystery is solved:
Chapter VII
While the bombardment was knocking the trench to pieces at Fossalta, he lay very flat and sweated and prayed oh dick allen get me out of here. Dear dick allen please get me out. Allen please please please allen. If you’ll only keep me from getting killed I’ll do anything you say. I believe in you and I’ll tell every one in the world that you are the only one that matters. Please please dear dick. The shelling moved further up the line. We went to work on the trench and in the morning the sun came up and the day was hot and muggy and cheerful and quiet. The next night back at Mestre he did not tell the girl he went upstairs with at the Villa Rossa about Dick. And he never told anybody.
And now we know why Dick Allen is not in the Hall of Fame. Nobody ever gave him credit for anything.
How about a contest?
If my fantasy track record is any indication, I can pick injured players better than most. I thought I might take a look into the future and try to predict 2012’s All-Injured Team. A few rules:
1. Must be currently signed.
2. Must not currently be expected to be out for the season (Tommy John Surgery)
3. Will be judged at the end of the year by days missed
There is no prize except pride. Maybe in-season rankings, if enough people throw a list in the comments, and I’m sufficiently lacking in inspiration once every couple of months and want to post something that just requires a calculator.
Okay, great, here we go. Presenting…
My 2012 All-Injured Team
Sponsored by the folks at America’s Worst Hospital.
C: Adam Moore. Okay, maybe it’s cheating to pick a player who’s basically been injured since 2010, no longer has either of his knees, and isn’t even expected to play a major role on the team. But MLB.com insists he passed his Arizona Fall League test with “flying cartilage.” Sorry, “flying colors.” So, hey, if someone expects him to be healthy, he counts. I expect to see some Joe Mauers in the comments.
Roy Halladay and Chris Carpenter help a local fisherman who was bitten on the ass by an anaconda. They are celebrated as heroes. (In case you were wondering: anacondas don’t have venom, so there is no butt sucking.)
That’s a picture of the guy who got bit on his butt.
Chris Carpenter breaks his toe, but he’ll be okay. He’s a tough guy.
B.J. Ryan, meanwhile, drops a couple hundred bucks on a sweet fishing rod but it breaks on the second day of the trip and he spends the rest of the time sulking and cursing his own profligacy.
On the bright side, at least he doesn’t pee in the river.
Yes
— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) January 2, 2012
I’ve thought long and hard about just which question of mine Peter Gammons answered — with one single, solitary tweet — yesterday afternoon. Turns out, he answered them all:
Will the Toronto Blue Jays ever make the goddamn playoffs again?
Is Prince Fielder actually a real-life vegetarian?
Is the Euro ever going to collapse, or what?
Should you — should we all — pray for the Baltimore Orioles?
Is Roy Halladay a God amongst men?
Are these the best candidates the Republicans could find?
Seriously?
Is Hanley Ramirez sincere in saying he’ll actually move over to third base?
Is Bud Selig pretty please going to finally frigging retire?
Is “Swag” truly the name of Bryce Harper’s new dog?
Now that she ditched that Brand loser, I’ve got a shot with Katy Perry, right?
Will the Expos ever return?
Is everyone else as sick of the Hall of Fame debate as I am?
And, finally, is baseball closer to returning to our lives today than it was yesterday?
I’ll answer that last one myself: God, yes.
Thank you, Professor Gammons. Without you, we are nothing.
Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired, lamewad paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out? Joba Chamberlain was rebranded as “Gargoyle O’Boyle.” So Mr. Chamberlain has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Science or Bravery?”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
Via this thread over at BTF comes this tale of Germany Schaefer and his maximum nobility:
One day Schaefer saved the day with a one-handed catch of a line drive over first. Amidst the cheers Schaefer demanded, “Was that science or bravery?”
“Bravery, of course, Germany, bravery,” answered a leather lunged fan.
“Then salute your hero,” demanded Herman. Instantly, as one, the bleachers crowd arose, doffing their hats.
So, as you may have surmised, the player who shall be nicknamed “Science or Bravery?” is one whose unthinkable, impossible exploits prompt you to ask of yourself, your subjects or the heavens above: “Was that science or bravery?”
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
Anyone generous with base-and-ball miracles certainly qualifies. Babe Ruth, Rickey Henderson, Bob Feller, Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson, Mike Laga. It can be someone who is very good at baseball and thus, by dint of science or bravery, leaves the appreciator in a state of constant guffaw. It can be someone who is not great in the least but nonetheless offers up, on a shockingly regular basis, small moments of abracadabra. “Science,” you might say of him. “All of this is owing to science.”
“No,” someone else might say of him. “‘Tis bravery.”
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Science or Bravery?”?
The convention floor, which is filled with quite a lot of science but decidedly little bravery, is open for nominations …
