There are six spring-training games available on MLB.TV today, which equates to roughly 18 hours of baseball, which suggests that probably at least one marvelous thing will happen today.

Because we at NotGraphs are dedicated to documenting the marvelous — and because the present author is the sort of person who has “downloaded” the necessary “software” — it follows that we should render footage of said marvelous thing into GIF form, fit for public consumption.

Having said that, it should be noted that the author is unable — owing to his many Important Duties — the author is unable to watch all 18 of those hours of baseball. So it falls to the bespectacled readership to serve as the eyes, ears, and (for some, unrelated reason) glistening biceps of said author.

In the event that he/she isn’t too busy, the attentive reader would do well to report in the comments section any instances of the following, with a view towards that manufacture of a GIF:

• Decidedly breathtaking pitches
• Particularly amusing incidents
• Probably anything Melky Cabrera does

Providing the inning and batter and count and whatever-all-else would be helpful, as well.

Allez, NotGraphs, allez.

NEWSFLASH: Girls like sports, y’all! But they’re still girls! And what do girls like more than high heels, amirite?! So, what women must REALLY want is an opportunity to show off their sports loyalties in a pair of suede pumps bearing their team’s logo. This is where HerStar comes in. Their tag line is “HOW CHICKS DO SPORTS.” But, hey, listen:

“Due to demand, these shoes are currently available by Pre-Order ONLY. You should expect to wait a minimum of 8 weeks. On occasion this time can me shorter or longer. We have no control over these time frames as they are set by the manufacturer. Once you complete payment you cannot be refunded, your payment goes directly to the manufacturer to fund production. PLEASE only purchase if you are prepared to wait for this seasons hottest sports item. We want only to satisfy our customers.”

I’m trying to make it to SABR42; if I can swing it and they’ve been kickstarted manufactured by then, I’m definitely going to buy a different pair of these for each day of attendance.

“It was our church. It was our heaven. It was everything.”
— Bill Kent, President, New York Baseball Giants Nostalgia Society

I’ve had the pleasure, in my 29 years on this planet, of watching Major League Baseball in each of the 30 cities the beautiful game is played. I’ve seen many a stadia. But it’s a damn shame I’ll never get to see Polo Grounds.

H/T: My man @mighty_flynn.

The nomination process, which pairs wonderfully with an artisanal Brie, is complete. The list of names has been whittled down to 10, and one of those names is a player rumored to be retired. In this instance, however, a dispensation — a French dispensation — has been granted. The act of doing so involves a kiss on each cheek between resigned drags on a Gitanes. Now go and vote, wine-drunk functionaries …

Thank you for exercising the franchise, absurd and meaningless though it may be.

If Batting Stance Guy thought his job was safe, he was wrong; he’s got company. Witness:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s983TpLdTdU

J.P. Arencibia’s OBP leaves a lot to be desired, there’s no doubt, but he brings the laughs. And, sometimes, that’s enough. I’m with Tito: I hope JPA wins the MVP.

H/Ts: The one and only Buster Olney, and the equally one and only Emma Span.

Please note, for your records, that Mississippi Matt Smith is the newest contributor to NotGraphs and submitted his first, uh, submission to our electronic pages earlier today.

Note, additionally, that he has asked me repeatedly and with vigor not to refer to him publicly as Mississippi Matt Smith.

Note, thirdly, that I have not only ignored his protests, but have, in fact, furtively changed his display name to Mississippi Matt Smith.

In conclusion, here’s a frightening Eudora Welty-shaped mask:

Since I covered all the heavy-hitting stuff in yesterday’s post, how’s about we finish this series off with some fun quickies:

Great Moments in Baseball Accessories

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Baseball is a game. JUST A GAME. We know this in our hearts of hearts; we confess it grudgingly to those people in our lives who, for various reasons, hate innocence and justice and America; we hiss it at our haggard reflections, 60 or 80 or 100 times a year (or would, if we were pathetic, which maybe some of you are! Some of you who are not me!). But there are higher powers that seem not to have gotten that memo. For they continue to entrust our sport with characters and events of unmistakable cosmic significance. Doubt ye me? How quickly ye distracted minds forget the shattering tale of Roberto “Fausto Carmona” Hernandez Heredia. A tale that was on the lips of every schoolboy in those halcyon, mist-shrouded days of late January. A tale, in the end, that can only be told, and told fully, by desecrating a major work from the Western canon.

“She is older than the rocks among which she sits; like the vampire, she has been dead many times, and learned the secrets of the grave; and has been a diver in deep seas, and keeps their fallen day about her; and trafficked for strange webs with Eastern merchants: and, as Leda, was the mother of Helen of Troy, and, as Saint Anne, the mother of Mary; and all this has been to her but as the sound of lyres and flutes, and lives only in the delicacy with which it has moulded the changing lineaments, and tinged the eyelids and the hands.”

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Dear NotGraphs,

Best,
Dan

Dear Dan (Duquette?),

I don’t understand. You’re feeling hopeless about the Orioles? The on-the-cusp-of-a-championship Orioles? Listen to Orioles pitching coach Rick Kranitz: “There is no question of the talent these young guys have. If you’re looking at championships down the line—and that’s why you play the game—that’s what these guys can bring.” He’s talking about Brian Matusz, Chris Tillman, Brad Bergesen, the cornerstones of the Orioles pitching staff. Oh, wait, he was talking about them in April 2010, and he’s actually ex-Orioles pitching coach Rick Kranitz. Oops.

But, hey, Matusz, Bergesen, and Tillman are all still in the organization. Still young. And, uh, not exactly ticketed for the rotation… or so says NBC’s Hardball Talk. Of course, pitching prospects go bust. But look at the rest of the roster. There’s Brian Roberts– okay, no, Brian, you don’t have to come over here. Stay where you are, Brian. I know, you can’t move. Got it. Okay, who else? First baseman Chris Davis? Yes, first baseman Chris Davis! “Fantasy leaguers, be advised: Bill James is projecting a breakout season for Texas Rangers first baseman Chris Davis, who hit 17 home runs in 80 big-league games … as a rookie. How big a breakout? James predicts 40 home runs, 118 RBIs and a .302 average from Davis.”

Oh, no. My NotGraphs research team keeps bringing me expired news. Seems that Bill James was predicting that stuff in 2009. Okay, so that didn’t happen. Moving on. Robert Andino at second base. How can you not get excited about Robert Andino? Or rotation ace Jason Hammel. He was supposed to be good at some point, too. My research team is having trouble finding a quote. How about, “his best should be good enough” from Baseball Prospectus in 2009? Let’s go with that.

The 2012 Orioles: the answer to the question, “So where is Dana Eveland now?”

I think I’m finally understanding what prompted you to write to me. I’m giving you permission. Drop the Orioles. Pick someone else. Life’s too short to wait for a championship, especially if that championship is unlikely to happen within a normal human life span. I say this as a Mets fan who is fairly convinced that he has already lapsed. I can’t imagine paying money to go to a Mets game at any point in the near future. I root for more news about Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz being co-conspirators with Bernie Madoff, because that is the most interesting news there is about the Mets lately. I root for epic disaster– 125 losses?– because anything is better than bland mediocrity.

I know, it feels like you’d be giving up. But it’s their fault, not yours. You rooted, they lost. You stop rooting, they will continue to lose. It’s Peter Angelos, an abusive spouse who’s forcing you to leave for your own safety. Plus, there’s an exciting young team just a few miles away over in Washington. How can you not be tempted by Stephen Strasburg and, uh, leadoff hitter Ian Desmond? Ex-Orioles manager leading the charge? I won’t tell anyone, I promise.

We are not bound to the teams we are born rooting for. Just like the players leave, we can leave. We can leave whenever we want. Be strong. You can do it. Rooting for DH Wilson Betemit does not have to be your future.

Good luck,
Jeremy

Have a question for Ask NotGraphs!? Come on, I know you do. E-mail me, or leave your question in the comments, and yours might be next!

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, R.A. Dickey laid uninspired claim to the nickname “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons.” Although the name indubitably should’ve gone to Eric Sogard, Mr. Dickey has, in unmoved, assembly-line fashion, been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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