The footage by Bullpen Banter’s Steve Fiorindo of very recent Phillies draft pick J.P Crawford taking infield practice doesn’t necessarily suggest to the author that he (i.e. Crawford) will be a major-league shortstop. What we see later in that same video, however, is Crawford hitting, like, seven home runs by means of a swing that one feels compelled to compare to butter or honey or some other manner of viscous flavor enhancer.

Over the course of the week, members of this important internet weblog have written about their respective contributions to what organizer Robert J. Baumann has called the First-and-Only-Ever NotGraphantasy Draft. The object: to assemble, via a snake-draft format, the squad which most embodies the spirit of this nearly perfect internet weblog.

Contrary to David Temple’s overzealous claims of yesterday, it is the present author who has distinguished himself as the No. 1 SuperChamp of this exercise — not only because he is (read: I am) the boss of everyone (although, please note, I am quite literally the boss of everyone), but also because I’ve allowed my own Infallible Nature to guide me, as a compass, to the correct picks.

Before enumerating in greater detail the myriad virtues of Team SuperChamp 2013, first a brief note on the title of this post. It’s very possible that certain of my colleagues — like that inveterate contrarian Patrick Dubuque, for example, with his little face and everything — will suggest that my reference to very popular and woefully inaccurate 1995 film Braveheart is symptomatic of my own mindless allegiance to what mid-century German theorist Theodor Adorno referred to as the Kulturindustrie, or (in English) the Culture Industry. Accordingly, they will attempt to dismiss whatever follows as the product of a mind contaminated by the flotsam of consumerism and jetsam of empty utopian aspirations.

“Ha! Just let them try!” is my response to that. On the contrary, allow me to submit that a truly liberated aesthetic, such as the author possesses, is necessarily large enough and sufficiently expansive to account for texts of all sorts, be they high or low, auteurist or focus-grouped.

The club assembled below — and annotated by clever remarks — is a result of such an aesthetic.

CA: Jeremy Brown, 11th Round (Profile)
Noted character from Michael Lewis’s important, if polemical, Moneyball. Actually made 11 major-league plate appearances. Retired suddenly following age-27 season having never recorded an OPS below .718 at any level.

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Become acquainted with all of Eno Sarris’s flawless pronunciations by clicking this hyperlinked text.

Ichiro ranks #1 in AFI’s 50 Greatest Heist Movies of All Time.

YOINK!

Become acquainted with all of Eno Sarris’s flawless pronunciations by clicking this hyperlinked text.

Presented below this meager introduction is the roster the Dubuque Dubuques, the most geographically centrist of the NotGraphs fantasy teams.

I am by no means a master of style, and so I came into the draft at a distinct disadvantage. You have to go into each draft with a strategy, the experts claim. I knew that competition over mustaches would be fierce, so I chose to tank that category and load up on spectacles instead, hoping to dominate the quotability category in the process.

What I love about this draft idea is that each of us has a different perspective on what exactly NotGraphs is, and our choice of players provides a reflection on that perspective. My own, perhaps unsurprisingly, is somewhat philosophical and meandering, so consider this your TLDR tag.

1.     Miguel Batista, SP (1992-2012).

If he had fallen to me at seven, I would have selected Rickey Henderson in a heartbeat. He’s not only my favorite player since childhood, but he’s also the perfect symbol for NotGraphs: unfettered, unrestrained greatness in word and deed. But let’s not dwell.

When you google “Miguel Batista poetry,” one of the results on the first page is a Yelp review of Batista’s website entitled “Miguel Batista should focus on his pitching, not his personal website.” Another link is Deadspin trashing Batista for admiring Kenny G.

Miguel Batista is plasma; he can neither be defined nor contained. He is permanent. When he returns to the majors (and he will, somehow) he’ll be the longest-serving player in the major leagues. He’s a poet and a novelist, not as some sort of exercise in elitism or to achieve some rarity based on society’s standards; he writes because he’s Miguel Batista. And as far as that goes, I wish I were as good at being Patrick Dubuque as Miguel Batista is at being Miguel Batista. There are worse goals.

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This is a screen shot taken from my computer at 11:46 Eastern Time last night.

There is a game between the Padres and the Dodgers. It is the sixth inning. The pitchers are Clayton Kershaw and Jason Marquis. There is a no-hitter in progress.

The pitcher with the no-hitter is Jason Marquis.

My brain has just exploded.

Twitter is also very confused.

Anyone that thinks Marquis can complete a no hitter is a moron and likely voted Braun 2011 MVP. #Dodgers #Padres

— Jorden (@DodgersGuru) June 6, 2013

Jason Marquis is going to throw a no hitter tonight at age 74.

— Kevin. (@KFayPSU) June 6, 2013

Jason Marquis has a no-hitter going? #TwilightZone

— Matt Eurich (@MattEurich) June 6, 2013

If Jason Marquis throws a no-hitter, I will believe I can fly.

— AlwaysSunnyInDetroit (@Tim_Goergen) June 6, 2013

Who knew Jason Marquis is better then Clayton Kershaw. #DodgersSuck

— Nexus Dave (@NexusDailyPicks) June 6, 2013

Marquis confusing me <<

— IG: _yarsmas_(@phew_phewchu) June 6, 2013

Baseball: Anything Can Happen.

Though I’m too lazy to check, I’m fairly certain that I am still the most junior writer here at NotGraphs. I do not need to check to know that I am taking this God-damn site by storm. My meteoric rise is certainly something of note, however it has created a certain level of pressure around me to perform in this inaugural NotGraphantasy Draft. Would I choke under the pressure or would I step up and prove to have a better understanding of the NotGraphs aesthetic than the rest of these jamokes?

That was a rhetorical question. Because I crushed it. I pushed this draft to the ground and humped it into submission. My haunches are dripping with success. Behold:

(note: I picked 6th in this snake draft of 10 teams)

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Two days ago I introduced the first-and-only-ever NotGraphantasy Draft. Yesterday, Bradley Woodrum unveiled his team, the Woodrum Whiteys, and then Jeremy Blachman presented his team, and then today, Mike “The Common Man” Bates gave us the Bates-o-Matic Fun Machine.

Here is the roster for my team, Baumann’s Earnest Best (draft rounds in parentheses):

C – Gary Carter (3)
1B – Joey Votto (5)
2B – Joe Morgan (7)
3B – John “Bad Dude” Stearns (11)
SS – Henry Skrimshander (9)
OF – The Greatest (1)
OF – Glen Gorbous (10)
OF – Reggie Jackson (8)

P – Mark “Bird” Fidrych (2)
P – Pedro Martinez (4)
P – Bill “Spaceman” Lee (6)

Manager – Ron Washington (S3)
Executive – Billy Fucking Beane (S1)
Home Park – The Sandlot (S2)

Before I offer brief commentary on each of my selections, I want to say something about Baumann’s Earnest Best as a team, and the philosophy behind its construction. As the name suggests, Baumann’s Earnest Best is a team full of pathos and sincerity; the players/personalities live(d) life and participate(d) in the game in a way that only they could/can. Some met every game and every day with a youthful exuberance (here’s looking at you, Kid), some see every plate appearance as a chance to destroy personal demons. All of these men provide their own examples of intense sincerity, an awareness of self that, for better or worse, sets them apart from the world at large in a way that allows their public-baseball-being to be intensified.

That, I believe, was the guiding principle in the construction of this team.
 
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