The Barktown Barons were looking at yet another losing season.

Speedy! You’re going the wrong way!

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Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

Initial intent of this post: a parody list of ridiculously fake NotGraphs post titles.

Actual result of writing this post: ten legitimate ideas for future NotGraphs posts, most of which I kind of want to write.

Conclusion: there is no such thing as a fake NotGraphs post title, because all NotGraphs post titles are fake NotGraphs post titles.

• Ranking Major League Stadium Urinals
• Giving Women The Right To All-Star-Vote: A Fake History
• Other Chris Davises Having Shockingly Surprising Seasons at their Chosen Professions
• Mnemonics to Remember How To Spell Samardzija
• Random People’s Tweets With Strong Opinions About A-Rod
• Yasiel Pug: Pictures of Yasiel Puig with Photoshopped Dog Faces
• Great Moments in Josh Beckett Injury Updates
• Alternative Ways To Pronounce Jedd Gyorko’s Name
• Johnny Cueto’s Season Presented Graphically, as the EKG of a dying person now dead
• Ranking Minor League Stadium Urinals

“Hi, I’m Kyle Farnsworth. You probably know me as a longtime major-league reliever with the Cubs, Rays, Yankees, and other teams. Baseball is great, but my real passion is helping people plan for their future — financially, yes, but also spiritually, how to deal with aging, all of it. Regardless of what it is, having a plan is important.

“Let me give you an example from my own life. In 2003, when I was with the Cubs, I threw an inside fastball to Reds pitcher Paul Wilson, who was attempting to bunt. Wilson came out of the box and was barking at me, so I said something back. Then, Wilson dropped his bat and ran at me. Then I beat his goddamn ass.

“Paul Wilson’s problem was, he didn’t have a plan. He decided to throw down, but hadn’t considered anything further than that. And what happened? He got blown up by a weapon known as Kyle Farnsworth’s Impressive Biceps Especial.

“Now let’s look at it from the other side. Soon as Wilson starts running his mouth, I’m surveying the situation. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Terminator, is how I think of it. I analyze all the weak points in my possible opponent, try and assess his willingness to fight, and then beat his goddamn ass.

“I want to help you do in your life like what I did to Paul Wilson on a baseball field. I’m Kyle Farnwsorth, and this is Planning for Your Future, with Kyle Farnsworth.”

Read more Kyle Farnwsorth coverage from yesterday by Bradley Woodrum.

Remember when you used to write for NotGraphs? Remember when you first started — when you were first “hired”?

When Carson Cistulli called you on that October day, to talk about your new future at NotGraphs, you walked right out of work (it was the middle of the day), walked all the way home, talking to him, sat in your back yard talking to him about baseball (duh) and also about poetry — which poets you knew, which players you loved, what sort of approach you might take expressing that love on NotGraphs. Dongs were not yet a thing that you mentioned to exasperate Carson; “Baumann!” was not yet a thing Carson uttered with equal parts puritanical exasperation and resigned exclamation. But those would becomes things that you enjoyed, the unspoken benefits of this thing you loved: baseball.

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Well, he came up and hit .432
For a month his talent looked so true
And there’s always hope when you’re brand new
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

And he did not walk but he tried real hard
And as long as hits escaped the yard
He still deserved a baseball card
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

When you still don’t walk and your average falls
And you swing at all of the pitcher’s balls
It shouldn’t be a shock when your progress stalls
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

So the Braves said bye and he joined the Mets
And for quite a while there were no regrets
But soon enough, doubters won their bets
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

It was no shock when the Royals called
And into the lineup he was installed
Another good start, the GM was enthralled
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

The press he gets is second-to-none
If smiles counted, he’d be number one
But if you look at the stats, he seems kinda done
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

Oh, lefties he hits and balls he can throw
And maybe just maybe his patience will grow
He’ll suck someone in and he’ll put on a show
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

Then fifty games later, the luster will fade
He’ll go 0-for-40, they’ll look for a trade
Another team desperate, and they will be swayed
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

Repeat it again, he’s still young, there’s still hope
Will he turn it around? Smart money says nope
Declining skills are a slippery slope
This is the ballad
Of Jeff Francoeur

When he’s not quoting the Bible, Chris Davis takes time on Twitter to answer those who’ve been watching his incredible performance this season.

Don’t be cynical, like our friend Michael in Michigan. Sit back, relax, and enjoy The Chris Davis Show.

BACKSTORY: After the Detroit Tigers acquired the final out against the Tampa Bay Rays last Friday, third baseman Miguel Cabrera mimed appeared to mime, but may not have mimed the signature “arrow shot” Rays closer Fernando Rodney performs after each save (a gesture that appears to be an oblique tribute to his late father).

On Saturday, Miguel Cabrera faced Fernando Rodney and the Katniss-esque flamethrower had a few pitches go high, one going high and tight. Cabrera did not appreciate the pitches.

On Sunday, Tigers pitcher Rick Porcello of the 4.7% BB-rate hit his second batter of the season. It was with two outs in the first inning; it was the first pitch to Ben Zobrist. Both dugouts received a warning.

Then, in the bottom of the 8th, Miguel Cabrera came to the plate.

JOE MADDON, THUGGIN’: Joe Maddon had two relievers warning. He had his 8th inning setup man, Joel Peralta, warming in the ‘pen. He had his hard-throwing karate-master, brawl-champ, GIF-via-fight machine Kyle Farnsworth warming.

Kyle Farnsworth entered to face Miggy. Then this happened:

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I’ll whip any of you nerds if I’ve got my boi Luigi on the mound. Just try me.

Because the present author’s brother-in-law is both a medical doctor of some local repute and also does things like “own a house” and “shower daily,” there are few occasions upon which he (i.e. that same author) is able to demonstrate competency in areas where that brother-in-law does not.

The capacity both to manufacture animated GIFs and also embed them, then, is perhaps one of the few skills the author has acquired which remain outside of his brother-in-law’s purview. Accordingly, when the brother-in-law in question — a Tigers fans, it should be noted — made a passing remark about Prince Fielder’s towering home run from Friday’s game at Tampa Bay, the author regarded it as an invitation to engage in the lamest brand of display behavior currently known to science.

So, for the benefit of Jason, here’s a GIF of Fielder’s home run from Friday that required almost no effort for your sister’s husband to make and embed:

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