NotGraphs Creative Writing Awards: AL MVP, Pt. 1

In the coming weeks, our comrades on the FanGraphs side of the site will make arguments for and against various 2011 MLB awards candidates. Here at NotGraphs, it’s our duty to allow said candidates to make a case for themselves on the poetic level.

First to step to the mic is AL MVP hopeful, Miguel Cabrera (aka Miggy Cashbery aka Playboy Man Baby).


Miggy Cashbery, ’bout to reck tha mic.

I Was a Playboy Man Baby

by Miggy Cashbery

When I was a man
baby baby
my head was bigger
and my legs were bigger
than other things.
Compared to what?
My body I mean —
then my body
caught up.
Now I am bigger and
nobody notices.
They all noticing this scotch though
huh? I see.

Let’s see, um,
moved from third to first slowly,
first to last to fans, maybe.
When I try to go
from first to third
I’m slow, I know:
negative-2-point-8
BaseRuns.
It’s my cake-based gait
’round the bases.

Have you seen me smile though?

My face still: w/o whiskers;
my eyes now: dead
accurate—more walks than
whiffers; and thirdly, my
oh my massive thundering
into the all tigers’ mouths:
all the balls you see in every tiger’s mouth
outside this cage
were once struck there by me.
Bully!

Outside, there’s a wild pheasant
in all the yards.
In here
no heart
but play—at play
on Gratiot
at 90 miles an hour
at play at
first base or
at Big Boy
where I once again forgot
to get the fried chicken.
Now sadly, majestically
in my own orbit
nearing thrombosis
around the bases
I spin again.
Planet Miggy,
population: me.

Sadly, sadly thus.

José B? Who he?
He of the .380 B-A-B-I-P?
I crafted more runs—177 to his 171—
& artisanally.
But no, I like Joey. He
pretty good.

In conclusion,
please offer me iced cream
MVPs
forgiveness
—for punch masquerades
for worming my way—
facial hair

these things I covet
and also it is important
to me
that my pants stay up.
Please hand me my belt
because you know it’s mine
or I will whip
you w/ it when
I get done
w/ this cake,
my preferred sustenance
my, you might say,
wOBA fuel
clandestine.

I kid, look at my face,
I make jokes. You like them;
you are safe. But my WAR,
that is no joke, no kid’s:
7.3. Hehehe.

In short, vote for me.
My name is Miggy and I’m
a Venezuelan.

We hoped you liked reading NotGraphs Creative Writing Awards: AL MVP, Pt. 1 by Robert J. Baumann!

Please support FanGraphs by becoming a member. We publish thousands of articles a year, host multiple podcasts, and have an ever growing database of baseball stats.

FanGraphs does not have a paywall. With your membership, we can continue to offer the content you've come to rely on and add to our unique baseball coverage.

Support FanGraphs




Hire Robert J. Baumann to live-blog your next birthday party, family reunion, or corporate event. You will not want to forget it soon.

newest oldest most voted
Kyle
Guest

Bravo. That dude does have some pretty dead eyes.