New Fantasy Baseball Web Site

It was 1996, and B.J. Surhoff never looked better.

Friends, I have seen the future, and the future is now. It comes with hyperlinks, tab-delimited tables, and bulleted lists. It comes in typefaces with dignified names, like Times New Roman and Courier New. It comes fast and it changes on a dime, provided you click reload often. It’s called the World Wide Web, and it will forever explode your notions of possibility.

I went down this rabbit hole this morning, and before I knew it, I’d spent hours “browsing” through the steamy jungle of fresh content. I felt the thrill of connection, the rush of information overload, and the power of leaving my fantasy competitors and their mouldering boxscores in my cybernetic dust. Here is what I learned:

• We are “still not quite used to this wild card thing.”
• One can change one’s “default web page – the site that comes up first when [one starts] Netscape.”
• Pete Schourek, Pat Listach, and Quilvio Veras are among the top fantasy players in the game, according to up-to-the-minute expert rankings (I clicked reload several times to be certain).
• Three different “projections” are available for the “dollar values” of players! As I said: the future is now.
• In the most serious fantasy leagues, “owners stay up for the late SportsCenter, get a few winks, and thirstily grab the box score page of the morning paper.” Until now!
• “Megatalented young shortstops Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Alex Gonzalez and Benji Gil are maturing before their Roto owners’ eyes.”
• He may not have as many wins as some — but according to the sophisticated new RATIO metric, Kevin Appier is actually one of the best pitchers in the American League! Get out your slide rules and pocket protectors, fantasy owners!
• If the Rangers ever made the playoffs, “it would be like the Red Sox or the Cubs winning the World Series.”
• What John Kruk would like to try is a comedy.
• Mike Piazza “has more than 1,000 comic books, loves massages and hates infomercials.” Also, he has some toys he would like to show you.
• There are several new simulation video games available — both as CD-ROMs for the PC, and for use with Super Nintendo systems!

Readers, the time has come — get online or get left behind! If you’re looking for help getting connected, just give me a call. I’m sure I could spare an AOL Free Trial CD-ROM.