Lists and Rankings: Today’s Best Baseball Headlines

It has recently come to the author’s attention that, rather than producing actual content, it might be preferable to pass judgment on other people’s content, and then to assemble those judgments into one easily digestible rankings list. It’s what is commonly referred to as a “win-win” situation, on account of said rankings require minimal labor and drive traffic more effectively than other articles that deal in things like “nuance” and “subtlety.”

In this edition of Lists and Rankings, we cast our judge-y eye towards today’s most most well-written headlines. Note how the author has included one or two lines’ worth of pithy commentary, lest you find yourself under the impression that absolutely zero effort was expended in the creation of this bloggiest of blog posts.

5. Consider the Bullpen Hole Filled, Disciples of Uecker
It seems like it’s about sex. But it’s not about sex. But maybe it is about sex. Or not. (It is… not.)

4. Bidding Begins for All-Star Cactus Statue,
The notable thing here is that not even one word in this sentence would make sense to our forefathers.

3. Morning Art, Bronx Banter
Not, it turns out, a euphemism for anything.

2. Speaking of Excitable Canadians, Getting Blanked
As an American, I always want to know more about Canadians. Author/Canadian Drew Fairservice has piqued my interest via his prose skills.

1. Mensch of the Day, Sons of Steve Garvey
Jewish things!

We hoped you liked reading Lists and Rankings: Today’s Best Baseball Headlines by Carson Cistulli!

Please support FanGraphs by becoming a member. We publish thousands of articles a year, host multiple podcasts, and have an ever growing database of baseball stats.

FanGraphs does not have a paywall. With your membership, we can continue to offer the content you've come to rely on and add to our unique baseball coverage.

Support FanGraphs

Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

newest oldest most voted

I disagree on your analysis of number 3. Surely our forefothers would understand the word “for.”


I was thinking that about ‘Statue’ and ‘bidding’ as well, though the sentence as a whole may have utterly baffled them. What’s an All-Star, or a cactus? Did this cactus perform some sort of monumental task or demonstrated his worth so much so above that of the rest of man as to be forever immortalized as a statue? Perhaps Cactus is of the utmost beauty and her statue reflects it perfectly?