John Paschal: Hey, everybody! I will be here at 2:30 Eastern, or, unfortunately, “Private Time Central,” to answer all your baseball questions. So fill up the queue and I will see you then!
2:30 Almost finished, you guys. Remember: Private Time.
2:39 OK, folks. Fire away!
2:40 Comment From Diamond Dan The Baseball Man
What, in your opinion, is the precise correlation between O-Swing% and O-Contact% with regard to a batter’s position in the batter’s box, specifically his distance from home plate?
2:41 Hang on juuuust a sec, you guys. I forgot to record Judge Judy.
2:41 Sue me!
2:44 All righty, then … your questions!
2:45 Comment From Fantasy Sam
A good reliever in a 5×5+TB+QS league?
2:46 I guess I’d say Tylenol. Also Advil. And Jim Beam, especially on an empty stomach.
2:47 Comment From Reality Stan
How did you even get this job?
2:47 Photos. Hidden camera, mostly. Zoom lens, too.
2:48 Comment From Your Parole Officer
Why didn’t you show up for our appointment this morning?
2:50 Comment From Creepy McGee
What if I told you that this question is coming FROM INSIDE YOUR HOUSE?
2:51 I’d say you are lying, because I live in a van down by the river.
2:52 Comment From Creepy McGee
Is it the windowless panel van with the airbrushed image of Shania Twain?
2:52 Yeah. Why do you ask?
2:52 Comment From Creepy McGee
2:53 Comment From A Dude Who Comments
Wait. You get cable in your van?
2:53 No, silly. I have Dish.
2:54 Comment From Casey Masterpiece
What should I expect long-term from Yordano Ventura?
2:54 That he will continue to be a valued member of The Three Tenors?
2:55 Comment From Seamhead Steve
Thoughts on Sabathia?
2:55 Keep it holy, bro.
2:56 Comment From Philicious Phillie Phan Phil
How do you think Hamels will do this year? And keep in mind that if you don’t say, “He will win the Cy Young Award,” I will track you down and hurt you, and also burn down your van.
2:56 I didn’t read your entire comment because it was pretty long, but I think Hamels will completely suck.
2:57 Comment From Dan Uggla
Why am I so bad?
2:58 I don’t know exactly, but could it be that you wear a necklace made of fingers and teeth, or that you drive around in a very loud truck with two pit bulls in the back, or that you strut?
3:00 Comment From Bob Spelled Backward
Will home runs continue to go up?
3:00 I think so. It’s hard to hit a homer on the ground, even with a tailwind.
3:01 Comment From Bob Spelled Forward
Thoughts on the shift?
3:01 It’s just part of baseball. Sometimes the cup slips around. Or maybe it’s the package that slips. Whatever. But you’ve got to shift it back, that’s the point.
3:02 Comment From Bob, Just Regular Bob
What’s your take on Springer?
3:02 I just don’t see a good season at all. Seriously. What channel is it even on?
3:03 Comment From Guest
All you egghead types are always talking about small sample sizes. Can you explain?
3:10 Comment From Guest
I mean can you explain it to me?
3:11 Oh. Well, sometimes they give you the turkey lasagna in those tiny paper cups, so what you want to do is mosey back in 10 minutes and be all like “what’s this stuff?” and get another sample and then say, “Can I also have one for my, uh, wife?”
3:12 Comment From Baseball Fan
Most overrated team?
3:12 Team Edward.
3:12 Also Team Jacob.
3:13 Comment From Another Baseball Fan
Is Colabello for real?
3:14 I’ve only seen him on TV, so it’s kind of hard to say.
3:15 Comment from ATL Loco
3:16 Sheetrock, I think.
3:17 Comment From Toots Delvecchio
Do you think the Mob recognizes me when I sit in my designated Witness Protection box at D-backs games?
3:18 Not if you’re wearing sunglasses.
3:18 Comment From Toots Delvecchio
That’s a relief.
3:18 Form of a question, please.
3:19 Comment From Toots Delvecchio
Is that a relief?
3:19 You tell me!
3:20 Comment From Yet Another Baseball Fan
Should I overreact to the first month of a long season?
3:21 Comment From SyFy Stan
Do you believe in time travel?
3:16 Yes, but only in five-minute increments.
3:21 Comment From Kurious Kate
Your opinion of the new instant replay?
3:22 I’ll have to look at the tape.
3:23 Comment From a rabid partisan
Will my team win the World Series? Because that’s all I really want to hear – that my team will win the World Series.
3:23 One way to answer this question is to say that a rabid partisan’s team will definitely win the World Series.
3:24 Comment From Skeptical Sue
Are you buying Blackmon’s hot start?
3:25 No. And what makes you think I have that kind of money?
3:26 Comment From Roy Sans Adjective
Speaking of money, how much do you earn at NotGraphs?
3:26 I don’t get paid in money. I get paid in Swiss war bonds.
3:27 Comment From Frisco Fiona
What’s your take on Morse?
3:27 Not a fan. I prefer phone, especially for purposes of sexy time. Tapping dot dot dot DASH DASH DASH … well, it kind of destroys the mood.
John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.