“How To Take Care Of Your Elbow,” by Jonny Venters

Hey, folks, it’s me, Jonny Venters, about to have Tommy John surgery for the third time. Just wanted to share a few tips on how to take care of your elbow.

1. Elbows love to get up close and personal with doors and walls. You may hear a cracking sound, but that’s just the way an elbow laughs. Even if it hurts, it’s good exercise for your elbow to bash into hard objects. You know how they say that everything that’s worth it hurts a little bit? That definitely goes double for elbows. So keep hitting it into stuff, even if you’re in serious pain and need to seek medical attention.

2. Elbows love being hyperextended. You know how some joints only let you move parts of your body one way, like knees, and, uh, knees? It may seem like elbows are the same way, but that’s just what they want you to think. In truth, elbows can flex in every direction. You may have to force it if it’s been a while since you bent your entire arm backwards, but, trust me, if you pull hard enough it will bend. If you’re not strong enough to do it on your own, tie your arm to a horse and let him run free. You’ll see just how much your elbow can turn then!

3. Ice is for wimps. The best thing to put on your elbow is a cinder block. That will teach it to complain. Ugh, I hate when people are trying to put ice on my body. Ice is cold. I don’t like cold things on my body. You know what’s nice and warm? The blankets they give you right before elbow surgery. They’re my favorite.

4. Elbows are like cats. They have nine lives. So the first 8 times you bust your elbow don’t really count. Wait until number nine to seek help. That’s the trick with elbows. They’re always acting like they don’t work anymore, but they’re just jokesters that way. Don’t listen. Keep doing what you were doing until the arm completely breaks off. That’s your elbow’s signal that he’s had enough playing for now.

5. Health insurance? Naw, what do you need that for? It’s not like it covers elbows anyway. At least my policy doesn’t. Not anymore.

Edited to add: No offense meant, really. Sorry if this came off as insensitive. I feel bad for Venters and it sucks he needs elbow surgery yet again. I wasn’t trying to make light of real person’s real injury, just trying to write content that some fraction of you will think is marginally funny. It is very easy to forget these are real people when you sit down to try to come up with a topic for a blog post. I’m really not trying to imply that it’s Venters’s fault that his elbow keeps falling apart or that this is a book someone should write.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
8 years ago

Is this article supposed to be funny? Somehow I don’t see much humor in a 29 year old whose career might be over.

Jonny Venters' Elbow
8 years ago
Reply to  KJ

It’s funny because it’s true.

8 years ago
Reply to  KJ

29 years! You know what hasn’t had 29 year of life? Notgraphs. Compared to its soon to be untimely death, Venters’ arm issues are down right funny. Roll on the floor laugh out loud funny. You know what else is funny in comparison to this tragedy? Ebola.

Spa City
8 years ago
Reply to  KJ

I suspect KJ is Cistulli in disguise trying to ruin everybody’s enjoyment of NotGraphs.

I also suspect Jonny Venters, although likely not enjoying the harsh reality of his tendency toward elbow (a critical portion of the arm, which itself is a key tool for pitchers) injuries, would see the humour value of this NotGraphs article should he occasion upon it.