“How To Take Care Of Your Elbow,” by Jonny Venters

Hey, folks, it’s me, Jonny Venters, about to have Tommy John surgery for the third time. Just wanted to share a few tips on how to take care of your elbow.

1. Elbows love to get up close and personal with doors and walls. You may hear a cracking sound, but that’s just the way an elbow laughs. Even if it hurts, it’s good exercise for your elbow to bash into hard objects. You know how they say that everything that’s worth it hurts a little bit? That definitely goes double for elbows. So keep hitting it into stuff, even if you’re in serious pain and need to seek medical attention.

2. Elbows love being hyperextended. You know how some joints only let you move parts of your body one way, like knees, and, uh, knees? It may seem like elbows are the same way, but that’s just what they want you to think. In truth, elbows can flex in every direction. You may have to force it if it’s been a while since you bent your entire arm backwards, but, trust me, if you pull hard enough it will bend. If you’re not strong enough to do it on your own, tie your arm to a horse and let him run free. You’ll see just how much your elbow can turn then!

3. Ice is for wimps. The best thing to put on your elbow is a cinder block. That will teach it to complain. Ugh, I hate when people are trying to put ice on my body. Ice is cold. I don’t like cold things on my body. You know what’s nice and warm? The blankets they give you right before elbow surgery. They’re my favorite.

4. Elbows are like cats. They have nine lives. So the first 8 times you bust your elbow don’t really count. Wait until number nine to seek help. That’s the trick with elbows. They’re always acting like they don’t work anymore, but they’re just jokesters that way. Don’t listen. Keep doing what you were doing until the arm completely breaks off. That’s your elbow’s signal that he’s had enough playing for now.

5. Health insurance? Naw, what do you need that for? It’s not like it covers elbows anyway. At least my policy doesn’t. Not anymore.

Edited to add: No offense meant, really. Sorry if this came off as insensitive. I feel bad for Venters and it sucks he needs elbow surgery yet again. I wasn’t trying to make light of real person’s real injury, just trying to write content that some fraction of you will think is marginally funny. It is very easy to forget these are real people when you sit down to try to come up with a topic for a blog post. I’m really not trying to imply that it’s Venters’s fault that his elbow keeps falling apart or that this is a book someone should write.