Great Moments in Damn Near Everything: Razor Shines

Razor Shines was not a very good Major League Baseball player. He accrued 88 big league plate appearances over four years with the Montreal Expos, which cost his teams 0.6 Wins.

But as you can see here, we was awesome in many other ways.

Joke’s on you: I’m awesome.

Great Moments in Names

For starters, his name is actually his name, not a nickname like many of the other awesome names from baseball history like Turkey Stearnes. Well, OK: Razor is his middle name. But Razor only did what anyone one of us would have done if we were named Anthony Razor Shines. Instead of subjecting himself to a lifetime of “Tony Shines ______” jokes, he chose to suggest with every utterance of his name that he’s cleaning off a blade after shanking a mofo.

Great Moments in Smiles

Ok, so when it comes to smiles, Razor Shines is no Fred McGriff. But he has a nicely defined, Joker-esque mouth, that friendly gap in his teeth, and an exuberant visage that no doubt helps to lure in shanking victims.

Shines bright.

Great Moments in Fashion & Facial Hair

Razor played for a team that, in my opinion, had one of the greatest logos and some of the greatest uniforms in baseball history. The Milwaukee Brewers glove-and-ball logo is known for it’s subtle and seamless melding of the letters M and B into a simple and recognizable baseball mitt. The Expos logo is similarly creative, if less heralded, as it included a lowercase E and B (for “Expos Baseball”) into an uppercase M, all in a unique font.

This is a kill.

The 1980s Expos look complements Razor quite nicely, as you can see. To boot, the ear-flap-less batting helmets of the period couldn’t suit him more — imagine if those sideburns, that hint of a baby ‘fro were contained by one of the snugger, bulkier, less UFO-y helmets of today. That would crimp Razor’s style, and you know what happens when you crimp Razor’s style, don’t you?

The no-nonsense Franklin batting gloves are also fitting — as long as they allow him to not leave fingerprints . . .

Great Moments in Life Coaching

In 2009, when Razor was a coach with the Mets, he became a spokesman for Aquafina, which gained him the title “Third Base Coach of Life.” At Aquafina’s website, one could ask “Razor” questions about anything at all and he would give you “answers.” One such life-altering exchange is documented in this post at The Faster Times.

 

“Sometimes life cuts you; sometimes you cut life.” -Razor Shines