From NutGraphs to KnotGraphs: A Look at Potential Sponsors

Loyal reader Kris, in efforts to spare this blog from the Lethal Guillotine Of Fatal Death, has argued on these very electrified pages that NotGraphs should say yes — heck yes! — to a corporate sponsor, sort of a “Hallmark Presents Valerie Bertinelli in I Just Made a Movie For Hallmark: A Movie For Hallmark, Starring Valerie Bertinelli” type of thing, but with less Bertinelli. Well, OK.

But here’s the question: If NotGraphs were to accept a sponsor, what would that sponsor be? Before you answer, “ExtenZe Natural Male Enhancement,” please note that we here at NotGraphs prefer unnatural male enhancement, e.g., slamming our genitals on frozen polyester until serious swelling occurs.

In any event, let us begin by suggesting new names for née NotGraphs and then working backward, logically if not profoundly, to possible backers.

NutGraphs: Given our tendency to slam the aforementioned privates on the aforementioned polymers, it makes sense that the American Urological Association might penetrate the lucrative realm of stick-and-ball humor by entering an intimate corporate coupling. Pro: a longer-lasting supply of double-entendre comedy. Con: the Association might not want to cuddle.

NetGraphs: As you know, we NotGraphers like to plot on graphs the historical development of fishing nets, including cast nets, dragnets, drift nets, lift nets and fyke nets. (We rejected the tangle net after Boinknets Harper lost a penis in that unfortunate “netting” accident.) And so a sponsorship deal with the North American Fishing Club seems natural. Pro: a deeper supply of double-entendre prose – “we are hooked!”; “we are reeling!”; “my worm looks bigger since I started slamming it on frozen polyester, and so does my penis!” – for the weekly NotGraphs newsletter. Con: the probable loss of Cowsual Fridays, sponsored by Hormel Foods.

NyetGraphs: Here at NotGraphs, we like to say “Bolshevik Revolution.” The reason we like to say “Bolshevik Revolution” is that “Bolshevik Revolution” just sounds so cool. Say it: “Bolshevik Revolution.” Cool, da? The thing is, we don’t know what “Bolshevik Revolution” actually means. Some of us think it’s a Russian rotisserie chicken, while others think it’s a Russian rotisserie duck. So it seems reasonable that the Russian government would agree to a sponsorship deal that emphasizes the role of the state in process-of-elimination education. Pro: a solid supply of double-entendre “Putin” humor. Con: we will fall, in the end, to the process of elimination.

KnitGraphs: It’s true: We like to knit. Most NotGraphers specialize in ornamental doilies, while I favor personalized penis warmers. So it makes sense that Creative Knitting magazine (formerly Knitting Digest) would agree to a sponsorship role. Pro: the ability to call ourselves a “close-knit community, ha ha!” Con: the notorious and shiv-inducing jealousy among staff members of Crochet World, The Magazine For Crochet Lovers.

KnotGraphs: It’s also true: One NotGrapher – I won’t say who, but I will say when (4 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays) – can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue. Wouldn’t it be interesting, then, to see a blog devoted to this interesting and often erotic practice? And I know just the right sponsor. Pro: weekday happy hours with fascinating people. Con: readers might at first believe that Ashley Madison is a maker of prepackaged snack cakes.