Chipper Jones Speaks in Tongues

Bit of old news, but did anyone notice Chipper Jones’s tweet on August 2? Allow me to remind you:

We need a dome! These rain delays stink. Nothin a couple of 2run dubs wont fix. Back on track and 8-1 on the twitta. Lets go Bravos 2.5 out!

— Chipper Jones (@RealCJ10) August 3, 2012

The tweet begins intelligibly enough. Chipper thinks the Atlanta Braves need a dome; he does not care for lengthy rain delays. Okay, good. Points are clearly, almost cogently expressed.

Then begins the lapse in logic, among other problems.

By “Nothin a couple of 2run dubs wont fix,” do we think Chipper means this: “That I am upset about not having a domed stadium to play in and that I hate rain delays can be remedied by twenty-inch rims on an unspecified automobile if said rims produce two runs”? Or, does the “Nothin” refer to neither the dome nor the rain delay, but instead begin a new, unrelated declaration, i.e. “There is nothing in the world that ‘2run dubs wont fix'”?

Furthermore, do we take “wont” to be “won’t” without an apostrophe? Or do we take it to mean “wont,” i.e. “to make accustomed to” so that the statement now, translated, reads something like this: “There is nothing in the world that twenty-inch rims on an unspecified automobile will make accustomed to fix”? Heady.

The rest of the tweet cannot be parsed by the lay person. Is “Bravos” a misspelling, intentional or not? What is “2.5out”? There are three outs per half inning in baseball. Is 2.5 the “version” of “Bravos,” an app, that he is running on his smartphone? Has Skynet become self-aware and taken over Chipper Jones and all his internetted appendages?

Most likely, IMO, Chipper was inspired — mid-tweet — by something greater: the baseball gods and their earthly arbiters.

The source of Inspired Tweets, by @RealCJ10