This just in: Stung by accusations of racism and yet sensitive to the appeal of nostalgia, Indians officials are attempting to replace Chief Wahoo with a less incendiary but similarly named ambassador by field-testing a variety of applicants.
The results thus far:
Distinguished by the Nissan ad on his forehead and the Kimye update on his chest, Chief Yahoo! initially served as a popular and populist mascot who, in addition to providing convenient access to email accounts, also provided weather updates, horoscopes, sleep-aid advertisements that closely resembled editorial content, editorial content that appealed directly to righteous indignation, and user-generated answers to questions about Kimye and “sleep ades,” all while tracking and analyzing the behavior of each fan. Ultimately, however, Chief Yahoo! collapsed in a spectacular heap when thousands of righteously indignant “users” gathered at his feet to exchange poorly worded polemics regarding the direction of the country.
Designed to appeal to “Joe Six-Pack” in the outfield bleachers, Chafe Wazoo at first did a wonderful job of mingling with his target audience. Downing suds and chomping nachos while seated on unyielding steel, Chafe Wazoo would often joke about the state of his posterior by saying it’s “sort of tender” or “kind of sore.”
It wasn’t until one particularly warm afternoon, however, that Chafe Wazoo felt the full burden of his identity. Having relieved himself of an especially large load, he never returned from the restroom despite employing a full-on bow-legged waddle.
In the aftermath of the Chafe Wazoo debacle, officials hit upon the playful idea of Chia Wazoo – a whimsical mascot whose catchphrase was “just add water!”
Ultimately, though, they came to dislike the nickname Harry Arsehole.
Geared toward fans who enjoy good old-fashioned ballpark food, Chef Yoo-Hoo got off to a favorable start with his highfalutin talk of xantham gum and high-fructose corn syrup. It wasn’t until people actually tasted his hot dogs, however, that Chef Yoo-Hoo began to lose his appeal. Granted, they didn’t love the chocolatey taste of the weenie meat, but what they really disliked were the unlicensed Bono-Daltrey Buns. It wasn’t so much the poor taste but, rather, the obscurity of the reference.
Aimed at fans who appreciate both the leadership qualities and the laid-back vibe of Cleveland fave Nick Swisher, Chieftain Whatevs quickly outstripped his utility by becoming a strange hybrid of dictatorial tendencies and carefree ’tudes. After telling one fan, “Yo, bro, you totes need to bow at my feet, but, you know, it’s cool if you don’t . . . even though I will, like, hang you in the public square or whatever,” he found his termination notice wedged inside his customized Kim Jong-il bong.
Another poorly conceived composite of mascot attributes, Chuff Whazzzzup fell victim to conflicting traits and behavioral cross-purposes when, after issuing a friendly greeting to a cheerful fan, he wiped a booger on that fan’s back.
After all, “whazzzzup” is the infamous catchphrase from the old Budweiser commercial that featured several pals happily greeting one another, while “chuff” is an olde English term that means “coarse fellow.” And because “chuff” is also a slang term for the vagina, Chuff Whazzzzup felt the sting of further comeuppance when he later encountered a group of highly accomplished female kickboxers.
“How,” one fan asked, “can a mascot be a French house in southern Mexico?”
Alas, it couldn’t.
Chief Executive Luftwaffe
Yeah, he just never caught on.
The most popular candidate, the actor at first enjoyed his time as a mascot. In the end, however, he remembered that he was Kiefer Sutherland and not a mascot.
John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.