Archive for Uncategorized

Recently in this space, some controversy arose regarding the identity of two persons: Randy “Other Randy Johnson” Johnson, active in major league baseball from 1980 to 1982, and Randy “Other Other Randy Johnson” Johnson, active from 1982 to 1984. A philosophical question was also raised, regarding the direction of causality between a) players named Randy Johnson (also including Randy “Randy Johnson” Johnson, active from 1988 to 2009) and b) the facial hair thereupon. As there is obviously considerable confusion surrounding these closely related issues, I decided it was well worth setting aside an entire column for the purposes of sorting it all out.

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RT @jonmorosi: #Phillies, with needs at 3B and OF, checked in with the recently released Chone Figgins.<–2 years ago maybe,not now though

— gene (@xrossfade42) December 2, 2012

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Systems Architect, Baseball Analytics – My Fantasy Team (New York, NY)

Reports to Director, Baseball Analytics

JOB SUMMARY:
My fantasy team is seeking a highly motivated data architect, systems developer, and flexible user of a very old version of Microsoft Excel to deliver analytics solutions to determine how to convert the league’s complex scoring system into actual concrete advice as far as who to draft, who to trade, and who to bench each week. This individual will also support projects for broader business operations, including desk maintenance and meal preparation. The ideal applicant will be able to manage multiple concurrent projects and blend quietly into the corner of the room.

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My previous holiday gift idea, posted on this very same internet yesterday, was sort of tongue-in-cheek — though I would be pretty damn stoked to meet, greet, and inevitably imbibe into oblivion with Wade Boggs.

This baseballing gift idea is perhaps more versatile and easier of which to make use. It’s Amelie Mancini’s Left Field Cards. NotGraphs’ resident (though AWOL?) expert on art, cats, baseball art, and cat art Summer Anne Burton featured Left Field Cards in a post back in April (and any of the art featured therein would make a fantastic gift, too, if you could lay your hands on any of it), but I thought it was worth mentioning again because the items are so very artistic, not to mention affordable.

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Today, November 29, I hereby declare to be Other Pedro Martinez Day. As you surely know, Other Pedro Martinez, also known as Pedro A. Martinez and Pedro Martinez Aquino, born on this date in 1968, was a perfectly respectable left-handed reliever for the Padres in the early 1990s. Then he got dealt to the Astros in the notorious Ken Caminiti – Steve Finley – Derek Bell megaswap, and basically dropped off the face of the earth, while his homonymous compatriot became one of the most dominating baseball players of all time. I have no idea where Other Pedro Martinez is now, or what sorts of awkwardness his name has incurred (actually, I can come up with some ideas on the latter). But I feel it is important to honor his sacrifice, as well as those of the following gentlemen. Perhaps you will help me think of others?

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If you’re not like my mother, you still have holiday shopping to do.

For the Wade Boggs fan in your life, look no further:

Yes, that is Wade Boggs throwing a knuckleball for the Yankees.

Wade Boggs is sort of the Bill Murray of Major League Baseball: both are cloaked in urban legend, always cool (in the sense of being unflappable and being hip), funny, and unpredictable; both had sorta underrated careers but have devoted followings.

That said, you can imagine all sorts of things that might happen should you give the gift of meeting, greeting, and candidly speaking with Mr. Wade Boggs to the Wade Boggs fan in your life…

Let’s say the Wade Boggs fan in your life meets, greets, and then speaks candidly with Wade Boggs on the topic of ocean fishing and how the Wade Boggs fan in your life just can’t stop wearing crappy Hawaiian shirts — the Wade Boggs fan in your life even wears them as undershirts, just like Wade Boggs does! The Wade Boggs fan in your life is very likely to hit it off with the Chicken Man, Wade Boggs.

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1. Dating Justin Verlander

2. Just signed with the Braves

3. Was a young equestrian

4. Named Rookie of the Year*

5. Won a silver medal in Cuba for the Team USA Junior Nationals

6. Made acting debut in the film Tower Heist, as Mr. Hightower’s Mistress

7. Has been benched for lack of hustle

8. Played in the 2011 Taco Bell All-Star Legends & Celebrity Softball Game

9. Is 5-foot-10

10. Weighs 185 pounds

*In the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

[Kate: 1,3,4,6,8,9]
[BJ: 2,5,7,10]

It is the offseason. Our main character — for convenience we’ll call him ZG — sits on a regal yet dingy chaise lounge looking out the livingroom window of the house he is renting. The sun shines, through the vertical blinds and especially, it seems, onto ZG. He watches intently as some kids play hoops across the street.

He goes to his bedroom, slowly walking up the winding stairs. In the bedroom the sun slides through horizontal slats but still attaches to ZG. He begins to strip. We see his sullen ass, his athletic legs. He puts on new clothes, clothes that we immediately might identify as his “basketball clothes,” culminating in a jersey, which is thin, old, but bears his surname. Perhaps his jersey from junior high.

We see his feet from above — from his perspective. They are goofily large.

Next we see ZG in the bathroom, he puts on a blue, yellow, and white headband that hales from a different era, They clash with his athletic goggles. He looks into the mirror and says to himself, “Will I play in the NBA?”

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Dear NotGraphs Sartorialist,

Thanks,
Runner-Up

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It’s old news that the Tampa Bay Rays extended Evan Longoria’s contract through, possibly, the 2023 season. But even the most insightful articles, like the one written by FanGraphs leader Dave Cameron, are ignoring the fact that contractually is not the only way that Longoria is being extended . . . at least not in the following Photoshopped images, anyway.

Extend those obliques, Evan…

Nice try, James Shields . . . NOT!