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Pitchers and catchers have reported! Does your Personal Computer Desktop reflect the excitement? NO?! Fear not, loyal reader: NotGraphs provides!

From the creator of the acclaimed 1986 Topps Wallpaper, NotGraphs presents these fine NotGraphs Personal Computer Desktop Wallpapers, featuring some of the more “colourful” baseballing personalities that frequent These Very Electronic Pages. Your Personal Computer Desktop will be conveying Spring Training Fever — and more 😉 — at the click of your mouse!

Please Note: all wallpapers are optimized for a 1680×1050 screen, but should lineup very closely with all 15-inch screens. Open them in a new window/tab and download them all, if you like!

Now, in the words of Mr. Miyagi, Choose!

Let Timmy offer you balls every morning when you boot up!

Let Hunter Pitt-Pence scare your dad!

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Here is a pointless exercise I just thought of.

Every year there are a handful of fringe players who go crazy in the spring. Andy Dirks, Lorenzo Cain, Colin Cowgill, Joe Mather, Luis Mendoza last year, to name a few.

Who will 2013’s spring surprises be? Throw some picks in the comments, and six weeks from now I’ll revisit and see if any readers picked out the unexpected stars.

My picks, based on nothing: Johnny Giavotella, Adam Rosales, Michael Bowden.

(Okay, based on slightly less than nothing… reasonably young, and a potential job to win with a good spring.)

Get ready, because I’m about to do you a tremendous favor.

It is really freaking hard to get on Jeopardy!. I mean, I’m the smartest person you know, and I haven’t been on it, so you just know it’s incredibly difficult. First, you have to pass an online test, and get invited for another round of testing and auditions, and even if you make that cut, there’s no guarantee you’ll make it onto the show in a given season.

Indeed, the entire process is set up just to remind us that, as smart as we are, we’ll never graduate beyond being the most obnoxious person at bar trivia. It’s unfair and a little mean.

And so, it’s with great pleasure that I present you with a Jeopardy! answer that none of the contestants got right but that will fill you with an abundance of joy and pride and a false sense of accomplishment and superiority:

“This ‘fishy’ outfielder put up huge numbers for the Angels in his 2012 Rookie of the Year-winning season”

The answer is, of course, Tim Salmon.

There, now aren’t you filled with pride. For once, you are smarter than the Jeopardy! people. Suck on that, Ken Jennings.

Huh? Wrong?  Oh man, I didn’t phrase that in the form of a question, did I? Oh well, everyone’s dad Ted Kluszewski is still proud. Aren’t you Ted?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Spring training = clean shaven and lots of baby powder. Johnson and Johnson’s stock just went up.

— Tony Maccani (@TMaccani) February 12, 2013

Let him have his spring trainingwithout his wife having to come and police every move he makes. #lethimplayball

— Baseball Pants (@Urbaseballpants) February 12, 2013

Alex Cobb’s dog looks to make the Rays out of Spring Training atmlb.com/12tH27Q via @cut4 @shawtyt20

— Al Tyson (@AlTyson2) February 12, 2013

#springtraining is finally here. So excited. Remember to get ur #tbraysboobs pics out. #boobment #tbrays

— TB Rays Boobs (@TBRaysBoobs) February 12, 2013

Ppl taking the piss abt #BellLetsTalk are not funny. Wanting to go to spring training is NOT a mental illness. You’re not helping the cause

— Paulyne (@CanasianMe) February 12, 2013

Image thanks to Andy Gray at SI Vault.

Damn, Earl Weaver, you knew how to walk the line — though often, you crossed it. Thrown out at least 91 times, even today you might be thrown to the wolves for your lack of small balls. Big balls only, you always said; sport coats and ties. But Schlitzes, Marlboros, too, in their time. You knew how to walk that line.

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“…and so I knew it was time to hang it up once I realized my O-Swing % with the A’s in ’07 was way higher than my career norms.”

“…the numbers might say I was -62.9 fielding runs for my career, but my off-the-cuff calculations had me at something closer to -40. Then again, I was a late convert from Total Zone to UZR.”

“…sure, you could say my numbers were a little low in high leverage situations. But if you look at how I did with men in scoring position, you’ll see there’s no statistically significant difference with how I did when no one was on base.”

“…did I use steroids? Let’s just say I did a comprehensive cost-benefit calculation and made the economically rational decision, taking into account the risk of getting caught and the reputational effects factored out over the rest of my expected years of remaining life.”

Does anyone dispute that this is a team that needs to exist? Preferably in the NL Central?

…Mets sign Ben McDonald to minor league contract…Jimmie Foxx arrested for DUI…Dodgers GM Ned Colletti says, “Steve Yeager will probably end up playing somewhere else this year”…Jack Morris returning for comeback attempt as backup second basemen and right-handed hitter off the bench…Infielder Jose Oquendo avoids arbitration…Padres claim C Terry Kennedy off waivers and invite him to spring training…Diamondbacks prospect D’Angelo Jimenez says his right testicle is “100 percent” after a winter of rehab…Nancy Pelosi told by a “team source” that Mike Boddicker will be available for the second week of spring training games…Agent Scott Boras has denied planting a rumor that Michael Bourn is the son of God and should therefore be signed by someone immediately…Albert Belle ready to report for spring training despite continued hip pain…Nick Esasky told WZBG radio that he was “not encouraged” by failure to learn a knuckleball in the offseason…R.A. Dickey contemplates building mountain behind Rogers Stadium, climbing it…Tigers general manager Randy Smith says the position of first base coach will be “mix and match” for the start of the season…Blue Jays manager Preston Gomez announced that Rollie Fingers will open the season as the team’s center fielder…Jeffrey Loria is named in records from the Miami-based Biogenesis clinic, which reportedly distributed the chicken pox virus to players and their children…The Astros are considering forfeiting the 2013 season…Cecil Fielder released a statement denying any involvement in the Watergate scandal…Mike Maddux is available and drawing interest from 16 teams…Rays designated three bags of sunflower seeds for assignment…Brewers prospect Cecil Cooper gives birth to a baby daughter…Russ Canzler placed on waivers, claimed, placed back on waivers, claimed again, placed back on waivers, once again claimed, and then placed on waivers…

Chris Getz has apparently “added some bulk,” according to Ned Yost.

Since the “best shape of my life” beat is already taken, maybe I can compile the “added some bulk” collection.

Chris Sale

and… that’s it. Or at least that’s all Google can help me find.

Okay, this will not be a big collection. Also, Chris Sale is not very bulky.

“Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous intellect.”
Johnson: Rambler #103 (March 12, 1751)

Despite this innate curiosity Johnson describes above, there are some things that it’s better for you not to investigate. To forgo your natural curiosity is not a sign of a weak intellect in such cases, but is a testament to your understanding that some shit will straight up kill you, and you should probably not try it.

Just because your brain wonders how it feels to jump out of an airplane, or mix cotton candy and Scotch, or get hit in the face with a t-shirt fired from a mascot-wielded t-shirt cannon, doesn’t mean you’re going to do it. That’s where I come in. To resolve, then, the conflict between your natural innate curiosity and the wiser angels of your nature, I am offering myself as your avatar to try things on a semi-regular basis that you should not, and to tell you about the results. That way, your curiosity is satisfied, and the only one in harm’s way is a 34 year old father of two who should really know better.

And so it was that a couple of weeks ago I was getting lunch and playing nerdy baseball board games with Gentleman of the Internet and Shame of the BBWAA Carson Cistulli and the impossibly young Jackie Moore when Carson laid out three packs of tattered, ancient baseball cards before us. “Take one,” he murmured, seductively. Read the rest of this entry »