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Although I (still) have no say whatsoever in who takes up ol’ Jim-Tim McCarver’s seat at FoxSports’ Roundtable of Sports Insights & Sports Analysis (since the last time we checked in, word is that Harold Reynolds is the front-runner — a sage decision by Fox, for sure), I will nonetheless sincerely and quixotically continue in the process of considering candidates to replace him.

Chad Finn of the Boston Globe has implored Fox to “go bold” in hiring Jim-Tim’s replacement, suggesting Pedro Martinez or Dennis Eckersley. There is no way that is bold enough for me. That is Taco Bell bold. I am looking for Brett Favre bold. So:

Today’s Candidate: Jon Bois

Candidate Profile: from Kentucky; been to Canada; kind of charming beard (via its ginger patchiness); preternatural feel for absurdism; food opinions; top-notch Twitterer; should not be confused with John Boys, Dean of Canterbury from 1619 to 1625*.

A lot of what Jim-Tim McCarver said while broadcasting felt surreal to me. Someone once wrote that he was insightful, but to me, everything Jim-Tim said sounded like a language wherein most of the words are borrowed from English, but they often have different meanings than they do in English, and the syntax is completely different. In that way, I actually sort of came to enjoy ol’ Jim-Tim.

As mentioned in the above profile, Jon Bois exhibits a preternatural feel for absurdist humor — a sort of intentional and comedic surrealism. While steeped in the language and culture of professional sports in America, Bois lives in his own world where his thoughts are molded and presented with the sincerity of Mitch Hedberg. He makes fun of sports cliché and banter, but, somehow, not in a snarky way. Perhaps Bois avoids snarkiness by exhibiting a joy in what he writes in a way that makes him vulnerable.

Many of his tweets are immediately engaging (as they often ask followers a question) yet completely ridiculous. One such:

who is the next fantasy stud & dud; well; guess what it is you

— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) September 8, 2013

I’ve been wanting to do a parsing of why the above tweet (or, say, his “Favre Watch” piece) is so funny — because it seems like they shouldn’t be so funny, yet they make me laugh whenever they pop into my head, which is pretty much every day. In said tweet there are so many basic levels of comedy:

• an insiderness — not everyone will get what a fantasy stud/dud is — which can be leveraged for comedic effect and [select] audience enjoyment
• a fudging of syntax, complete with misplaced and missing punctuation (humorous to nerds and at a basic level to many others, too)
• surprise: a punchline where it seemed like there was no reason for one — obviously surprise is a big part of comedy
• momentary confusion on the part of the audience: was that really a punchline? why?
• awareness of the context of the utterance: while there is probably no reason for anyone to ever tweet anything, one still wonders, upon reading this tweet, why it was tweeted; still, that is part of the joy and the humor of reading it — the tweet suggests a misunderstanding of something on the part of the tweeter which the audience knows is feigned but also which, when presented earnestly, amounts to comedy.

Conclusion: Jon Bois is a comedy savant who knows some things about sports. Therefore, I consider him a strong candidate to replace Jim-Tim McCarver. I can’t really think of anything that I would like more to see on national television than Jon Bois judging, from 1-10, what ballplayers had for lunch that day, or proffering/asking for opinions on random topics that have nothing to do with the game. We’re likely to get as much or more insight from that as from most announcers presently employed.

The Jerusalem Post reports:

Brad Ausmus, who managed the Israeli national team’s bid for the World Baseball Classic, was named the manager of the Detroit Tigers.

The Tigers announced the hiring of Ausmus, 44, on Sunday, making him the only Jewish manager in Major League Baseball. Ausmus was a catcher for four teams in his playing days.

And poor Bob Melvin wakes up today, with a cup of herring and his daily copy of the Jerusalem Post, and has to call his agent to find out if the A’s have fired him in the night. Because, according to Wikipedia, Bob Melvin is also Jewish. (More confirmation here.)

Which means that 2 out of 30 — almost 7% — of major league managers are Jewish, making us an overrepresented minority, and surely leading to a new line of MLB Bagel Bat Weight giveaways coming to a stadium near you.

Ausmus managed Israel’s World Baseball Classic team in 2012, and once wore tefillin.

Lynn Henning of the Detroit News writes:

[Ausmus is] Jewish, which will stoke a sense of kinship between Ausmus and the Tigers’ deep Jewish audience. In that context, there has been something of a void in the Tigers’ profile dating to the end of Hank Greenberg’s hallowed years in Detroit.

Because that’s why I root for a team: shared religion with team’s manager. Excuse me while I go check out the latest news about the 2010-11 Texas Legends of the NBA D-League.

Last week, I mocked Dick and The Cannon for treating Terry like she had the emotions of a twelve year old. I was wrong. In all of their terribleness, I missed something in these characters that this week’s episode of Back in the Game makes entirely clear. Not only are their own concerns about Terry’s emotional state, entirely valid, but it accurately reflects them as well. Everyone on this show, including Terry’s son, acts like an idiot child. Only one of them has a valid excuse for that.

In this week’s episode, Terry plans to go trick or treating with Danny, over Danny’s objections, dressing her almost-pubescent son as Raggedy Andy to her Raggedy Anne in a selfish quest to preserve her family tradition that will get her son beat up. But, when a former high school rival rekindles their competition, Terry can’t wait to ditch her son so she can go to Dick the misogynist league president’s costume party in a hotter costume. It’s not entirely clear why people like Dick, given that he’s a massive douche, but there seems to be an endless supply of attractive people at his party, where he makes them compete in stupid games to stroke his ego.

The Cannon, meanwhile, is standing watch in the cemetery ostensibly to keep kids from knocking over his wife’s tombstone, but also to renew his feud with another septuagenarian, as they keep adding details to their wives’ tombstones in a game of one-upsmanship. They wind up bonding over their love of their wives’ asses.

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 “I say I work in a museum…”

–Jonny Gomes, Docent

Jonny Gomes, Docent, doesn’t do well with groups of middle schoolers.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, dabbles in curation–primarily the curation of postseason awe, and ancient Etruscan crested helms.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, would appreciate if you could keep it down, please.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, finds dinosaur bones “trite, but necessary.” Much like post-game interviews, and bunting.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, shook hands with former Louvre Director Henri Loyrette in 2005, and has not yet washed his hands (i.e. his own hands).

Jonny Gomes, Docent, finds l’art dans tout, even shoddily attempted MS Paint images.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, would like you to exit through the gift shop, or, after exiting, cross Yawkey Way and enter the gift shop there.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, invites discourse on the evolution of late art deco architecture in 1930’s Latin America, but asks that you take your discussion of statistical analysis in baseball outside, please.

Jonny Gomes, Docent, would like to remind you that the utility closets are for museum staff only, and not for scoring tongue-action with Jenny Michaels during the class field trip.

We here at NotGraphs concern ourselves with everything baseball, as long as it’s not actually relevant to the game. Now that the game is over, and the offseason is upon us, and jubilation reigns in Greater New England, the thankless job of sober analytical reflection falls to us. Last night, we all witnessed a display of skill and fortitude worthy of a champion. And yet there are things that could have been done better. I speak not of the game, of course. The Sox won and that is that. I speak of something that will haunt us far longer: the postgame celebration. Best that we examine it now, with it fresh in our minds, so that we may fully appreciate its strengths and learn from its missteps.

Students of the postgame celebration will agree that there are certain critical components that must be correctly implemented in order to make any such work successful. Let’s step through them systematically, and look at how the Red Sox performed on each count.

1. The Comic Relief

Veteran celebrant David Ortiz made sure this was covered right out of the gate, comically donning a protective helmet in preparation for his Field Rush. A savvy touch by the old slugger. However, a purist like myself could (and would) argue that the preemptive move showed a certain lack of respect, as well as detracting from the emotional climax of the victory. To maximize cathartic effect, we must remember, the possibility of failure, and the tension it engenders, should be maintained until the last possible moment. Grade: B-

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The AP has this exciting interactive beard-o-matic, highlighting 12 of the World Series-Winning Red Sox beards.

Like this one:

Who’s your pick for worst Red Sox beard? Nominate (with links to pictures!) in comments, and perhaps one of those vote poll things on Monday?

(Congrats to the Sox.)

The Cardinals’ team charter plane had a 7-hour delay on the tarmac yesterday while mechanical problems were being addressed. The delay spawned a Twitter hashtag, #cardsplaneproblems. These are a few of the best of those tweets:

The Cards plane velocity has been down the last few flights and has been shut down. Will see Dr. Andrews in the morning #cardsplaneproblems

— Bob Netherton (@CardinalTales) October 30, 2013

Randy Choate is perfectly suited to fix the plane, but Matheny’s going to let Lance Lynn keep trying a little longer. #cardsplaneproblems

— Mike Flynn (@mikeflynn_) October 30, 2013

On the bright side really getting to know some of my teammates children #bonding #cardsplaneproblems

— Matt Carpenter (@MattCarp13) October 29, 2013

Don Denkinger called the plane safe. #cardsplaneproblems

— Todd Golden (@TribStarTodd) October 29, 2013

John Mozeliak not quite ready to start its arbitration clock, will get an older plane to fill in #cardsplaneproblems

— Chris Reed (@birdbrained) October 29, 2013

When @carlosbeltran15 said he wanted to make this Series last forever, he meant it. #cardsplaneproblems

— Cardinal70 (@C70) October 29, 2013

Shelby Miller has been instructed to warm up another plane. Ah, check that. He sat back down. #cardsplaneproblems

— Matt Sebek (@MattSebek) October 29, 2013

Ugh, friggin' Middlebrooks. #cardsplaneproblems — pic.twitter.com/irCg47C4TG

— Matt Sebek (@MattSebek) October 29, 2013

San Diego State University has a proud tradition as a baseball school that produced such illustrious alumni as Tony Gwynn, Tony Gwynn’s son Also Tony Gwynn, Stephen Strasburg, Graig Nettles, Jim Nettles, Mark Grace, Tony Clark, Bud Black, Aaron Harang, Travis Lee, Jim Wilson, Justin Masterson, Dave Smith, and, of course, Al Newman. I’m sorry to say that that tradition, if it has not already been ruined, is in serious jeopardy.

That sounds harsh. These are still kids playing baseball after all, and perhaps they do not deserve to have their talents maligned so. I don’t mean this as a criticism to those players that the Aztecs have recruited, necessarily, who are undoubtedly doing their best with what meager talents they have. But I don’t know how such a fine program could have fallen so far as to recruiting the Jamaican bobsledding team from the 1993 smash comedy Cool Runnings:

I realize they’re running hard out of the box there at the 1:50 mark in that video, but I’ve got them timed at 16.42 seconds down to first base and they’re thrown out by several steps by the center fielder. As long as the game is played on flat, dry land, I don’t see them having much of a future, even at the college level.

Here are other scouting reports on some of the other Aztecs featured:

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Last night’s game was a doozy. For those of you who missed the action, here’s a handy graphical summary.

Craigslist.com is a questionable, slimy internet zone where people express opinions about beards. That’s what I learned today. I mean, I already knew Craigslist was questionable and slimy, but, until a couple hours ago, I didn’t know that it housed semi-rational* beard-related opinions. It does! Allow me to share one such opinion for your continued amusement and workday distraction (click to embiggen):

*For Craigslist, that is